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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
porridge90 · 15/05/2016 21:46

I would freak out because it would mean she had gone into my bedroom to get my washing basket. Which is an invasion of privacy if she was only there to feed the cat...

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:46

nokidshere my husband (her son) doesn't have the same issues with her as I do and quite happily accepts all the "help" because he is scared of annoying his mum. This is the first time I have stood up to her and said "thank you, but you really shouldn't have" and my husband now wants me to apologise.

OP posts:
pollyblack · 15/05/2016 21:46

I would cry with joy if anyone helped with the housework, don't even care if it's passive aggressive!

HouseOfBiscuits · 15/05/2016 21:47

She was probably just trying to be helpful, and then wondered if she'd done the right thing so that's why she said "I hope you don't mind".

I wouldn't want someone going through my washing either though. There are other ways of being helpful.

NoMudNoLotus · 15/05/2016 21:47

OP this happened to me !

I was not at all happy.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/05/2016 21:47

Oh for fucks sake...

ollieplimsoles · 15/05/2016 21:49

Ok just read your updates and you have a pa mil.

Best to never give her a key to your house for any reason.
You also have a Dh problem. Does he know why you won't be apologising to his mother?

QuiteLikely5 · 15/05/2016 21:49

Just because she out a wash on it does not mean she thinks you're a dirty mare.

Perhaps you feel threatened by her? Is it not a nice thing to pop over with meds if your child is feeling ill? Maybe she is feeling redundant or bored and wants to be a part of her children's lives?

If she isn't malicious then you are damn being unreasonable Smile hth

Pixienott0005 · 15/05/2016 21:50

I think k it depends if this is an isolated incident, if not then it'd annoy me. I think she probably just wanted to help you out but how did she spot you had lots of washing without going through your laundry?

Marmalady75 · 15/05/2016 21:52

This is the sort of thing my mil does. People who don't know her think it's sweet and helpful, but I know it's a passive aggressive dig at me. I came from hospital to find that she had been through the washing basket and had picked out my underwear to wash. There was other stuff left, but she had seen fit to pick out only our underwear. My dh says she was being thoughtful, I think she was pa (and creepy weird!)

DailyFailFuckwits · 15/05/2016 21:53

It's happened to me and i hated it.
She also helped out when dd was new born and very ill, dusted all around me (!), then rearranged all the items in a display cabinet and told me she thought it looked better that way. Couldn't say anything as i was pathetically grateful for the odd helpful thing she did do, ( random bits of food delivered etc.)

Jelliebabe1 · 15/05/2016 21:55

How awful.... Perhaps you can send her to my house and I can be outraged while she Hoover's, does washing or..... Gasp the ironing! 😱

RebootYourEngine · 15/05/2016 21:55

I love it when my mum comes over because she does my housework which means that i dont have to Grin

I am far to busy mumsnetting and watching tv for that kind of nonsense.

Ankleswingers · 15/05/2016 21:55

YABU

Hmm
WorraLiberty · 15/05/2016 21:55

I think you sound massively paranoid.

And why do you see the laundry as wife work?

TomTomKitten · 15/05/2016 21:56

YANBU

My XP's mother used to do this If I wasn't there she would literally arrive for the weekend, march up the stairs and start loading the machine. She would then make comments about my 'little knickers' at the dining room table in front of XP's children. Shock It is a total invasion of privacy. His mother was incredibly controlling and slightly unhinged.

i ended up hiding the washing in the boot of my car. Grin

TheWiseOldFairy · 15/05/2016 21:56

I don't know. If my mum did this I wouldn't mind at all as I know she'd genuinely be doing it to help.

If my ex MIL had done it then I would have been pretty cross. No way would I want her rummaging about in my dirty laundry.

I think it depends on the relationship you have with her and it's clearly not great so YANBU.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 15/05/2016 21:58

Oh for fucks sake...

^^this. My DIL brings her washing with her when she visits. When I go round I often hang out washing/Hoover/mop/clean/load dishwasher/wipe work surfaces. Yes, of course I'm being passive aggressive in helping her out as she's knackered Confused. Thank fuck I get on with my DIL.

DailyFailFuckwits · 15/05/2016 21:58

And another thing she did was when i was in hospital after my dd was born, she very kindly did my washing (dh too useless to do it himself), but she took it upon herself to repair all my really old pants that i'd saved especially for post partum bleeding that i had planned to throw away. I wonder if she thinks i always wear really grim pants?

FarrowandBallAche · 15/05/2016 21:59

Hmm. I think it's more about you than her.
You feel a bit guilty because you haven't done the washing and by having a go at MIL it makes you feel better.

FarrowandBallAche · 15/05/2016 22:00

Ha! Was going to say the same Worra but had second thoughts because someone might snitch to HQ that it was a PA.

Chesterado · 15/05/2016 22:02

My DM and DMIL are both very enthusiastic laundry doers and wash everything in sight when they are in our house. I also felt a but uncomfortable in terms if loss of privacy (although never felt it was passive aggressive) so we have compromised with two laundry baskets and agreed so they can knock themselves out cleaning the one full of kids clothes and towels, but leave the one with my knickers in it alone!

Apparently they genuinely enjoy ironing the kids clothes.....

magimedi · 15/05/2016 22:03

A few weeks ago I went to stay with DS & DIL.

They were both going to work & I asked DIL if she wanted me to do anything. I said I'd hoover through & wash all the floors & do the bathroom & run a load of washing if she liked but I'd quite understand if she didn't want me to clean.

She asked me if the latter half of my sentence meant I was going mad. She was thrilled to bits to have someone do some of the chores & was in total disbelief when I said that I 'had heard' (didn't mention MN) that some DIL's took it as a slur that their MILs offered to help.

I'd love to know what secrets are hidden in dirty laundry Grin

Iknownuffink · 15/05/2016 22:03

FFS, she popped two loads into the washer. Knowing full well that you would have loads of washing when you got home.

That said I told my daughter that I'd done five loads when we stayed at hers!, looking after her sprog. She ripped me a new arsehole because she could have done it in two.

Peyia · 15/05/2016 22:04

Irishheart I understand, sorry you're in a difficult position.

I also have a MIL that only had sons, and they are her world (rightly so) and at times that has caused friction as her 'help' feels instructive to me.

I manage this by trying to include her as much as possible. She stayed more than anyone else after DD was born, it has helped to an extent but she still likes to help in unhelpful ways - I grit my teeth but there are times when I have to say something and hope my H supports me.

What does you H think about the PA behaviour in the past? Does he not see it?

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