To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

[Irishheart]

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

Obviously , if there was loads of history it would be different..........

So you agree it is ok for the OP to say no thank you for the help (as the washing powder used causes allergies)

Isn't that what women are repeatedly told to do ... be grateful and keep quiet?

My thoughts exactly. Same applies to men. It really is fine to tell someone, thanks but not thanks

Eeyore86 but you stayed in their house so was just picking up after yourself. I personally think this is the done acceptable. She might feel uncomfortable or she might be grateful - hopefully she's gracious about it if it is unwelcome.

All this thread shows is that people have different perception on boundaries in personal spaces.

As I've said up thread, my MIL loves to help. Some of its welcomed but I would not repay the favour. It's very clear when I am in her house that I do not lift a finger.

Bertrand it really does depend on the individuals involved.

If my MIL had done this, then yes, it would have been simply a well meant desire to help. MIL is great and always tries to be very considerate of other people's feelings and personal boundaries.

But my mum?
No. It'd be because she thinks I'm not doing it properly, well enough, letting my family down etc. She's told me this in the past about my housekeeping, it's not me being paranoid. And even if I did all the washing before we went away, she'd find something else to pick at or rearrange so it's the way she'd have it in her house. No matter how often she's told to leave well enough alone, no matter how much friction it's caused between mum and me / my siblings, she still insists on "helping". And gets cross if we're not grateful enough.

It really shouldn't be a big deal for someone to say "Thank you but you really shouldn't have" without the "helper" getting all huffy.

Eyore

Would you have done the washing?

Or would you think that out of bounds?

Cody, we were going to wash the towels and bedding we had used but my DP wasn't sure where things were kept, I wouldn't have gone through PIL's (for ease) stuff as they aren't my parents but DP might have? (And I would've done to my parents if staying at their home, as they would for us, but I don't know what DP's family dynamic is when it comes to stuff like this as it's never come up before)

We didn't just clean up after ourselves but I cleaned the whole kitchen whilst DP did he living room, genuinely thought it would be helpful though maybe DP should drop his parents a text to advise we did so they are aware and hope for the best

Although to clarify I'd ask my parents first if they were around, I wouldn't go into their space to get washing and but would wash anything that was next to the washer already waiting to be washed with me stuff.

I'd have no problems cleaning my parents kitchen though and my DM would probably be happy (provided everything went in its right place) that's why I did it at PIL's...

I'd have no issue with kitchen stuff and visitors - it's more a communist place - same with people making tea or grabbing something from the fridge - dirty washing completely different -

My MIL would come and 'take over' hang washing out - do the ironing etc and I'd keep telling her not too - I didn't want they help - she'd iron creases in jeans and the sleeves - that never washed out - shrunk jumpers and mix whites etc - pegged washing badly - peg marks that don't iron out - drove me mad - I started to hide it in the end -

I wouldn't mind if she looked after the kids or took them to the park - read to them or tell them stories - but she wasn't interested - just wanted to mother DH and do his jobs!!!!

I think it's weird how this has to be either - she is trying to help and you should be weeping with gratitude, poor MIL, why does everyone hate MILs.... or, she has overstepped boundaries and is making a point about DIL's housekeeping.

I think pretty much everyone I know would think it was a step too far to start doing someone else's laundry. If I had a key to feed a friend's cat, I strongly suspect they'd be properly weirded out if they came home to find I'd washed their clothes for them - even a really close friend.

All it is is, IMO, a bit of an odd and potentially really quite annoying thing for someone to have done. I certainly wouldn't be over the moon if anyone, including DM and MIL, decided to do my washing. My mum would probably text and say 'just say if this would be annoying rather than helpful, but would you like me to put some washing in before you get back?', actually.

Only you know what your relationship with mil is really like OP.
If my DM did the laundry whilst visiting I would absolutely know she was just being helpful because she has a sunny disposition and never makes DP or me feel inadequate. However if my mil did it (though I don't think she ever would) I know it would have been a dig because she would find fault with the Angel Gabriel. So Yanbu OP for feeling it was a dig if that's the general sense you get from your mil.