Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
Ditsy4 · 15/05/2016 22:04

I hope I don't get any DILs like you. Poor woman probably thought that since you are away all weekend and the weather was good she would put some washing through and set you up for the beginning of the week. I would do the same. What have you got in your wash basket that is so ugh that it fills you with rage? Don't ask her to fed the cat in future then she can't do you any favours. Calling her passive aggressive...poor bloody woman. Yes I think you are ABU!

Lightbulbon · 15/05/2016 22:05

I just can't possibly fathom how someone else doing your housework can ever be a bad thing.

ollieplimsoles · 15/05/2016 22:05

thank fuck I get on with my dil

Yes I know to all of you complaining about this thread that this sort of thing may seem pathetic. But you are probably nice, normal, trustworthy, friendly and loving mils.

I wish I had a mil like you.

But for some of us it just isn't the case. I no longer allow my mil into my house without me because she has opened my personal letters, rooted through my bedroom looking for contraceptives and taken things from my home without asking.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/05/2016 22:06

Yanbu, this would drive me incandescent with rage.

Fuck passive aggressive, that is aggressive-aggressive. It would take hours/days/weeks of talking down to get me to a place where I could speak to anyone who had done that to me.

FarrowandBallAche · 15/05/2016 22:08

Jesus H Christ bibibity she did a bit of washing not killed the bloody cat!

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 22:08

Sorry, I should have been a bit clearer- she only lives round the corner so we only expected her to pop round and feed the cat whilst we were away, instead she went through my wash baskets and took it to her house, washed it in a detergent that she knows my ds is allergic to and then acts all offended when I say thanks but no thanks!
I don't know whether she feels threatened, but she is on her own and she does struggle with the fact her son is all grown up. I get on fine with her most of the time, usually deal with the way she treats my Dh like a child with an eye roll or comment to my dh once we are home, but this just really wound me up- especially as I spent the day cleaning before we went away so that she wouldn't be tempted to "help" (she has rearranged kitchen drawers before now).

OP posts:
FarrowandBallAche · 15/05/2016 22:09

Oh a nice little bit of drip feeding.

ollieplimsoles · 15/05/2016 22:12

Ok so she's alone, that must be hard for her.

Does your dh spend any time with her on his own, do you visit regularly.
I do think you sound like you are threatened by her, you know she would be coming so you cleaned thoroughly and she still found something to 'pull you up on'

Rearranging your items is not on really, was this raised with your dh?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/05/2016 22:13

Well that's rather different from your op...

Cleebope · 15/05/2016 22:14

I get your discomfort here. I do have a nice Mil but I hated her washing my dirty undies!!! It's a privacy thing. No need. I love it when she cleans my windows though.

SandyAndy · 15/05/2016 22:14

My MIL used to do this but has now stopped, after DH got cross with her! She used to come and take the laundry when we were away, wash and iron it. I didn't ever have a problem with it, but DH found it really really irritating, he likes to iron his own shirts and found her actions to be interfering and controlling.
He had a few cross words, she then said to me 'but I'm quite good at ironing!' and I had to explain that it was about DH's need to be independent.
Strange relationship those two have really.Hmm

m0therofdragons · 15/05/2016 22:14

I think with things like this you need to think of her intent. Do you think she thought "oh I'll check if there's any washing and if there is I'll pop it on as dil will have loads when they get back so that'll be really helpful." Or do you think she thought "oh I'm going to show dil how to be a proper wife and teach her a lesson."

Unless mil is nuts I'd suggest it's option 1 and the poor woman can't to anything to help without dil misreading it.

shockthemonkey · 15/05/2016 22:15

It's definitely not PA, regardless of how unwelcome it is. The term PA is over-used on here.

PA behaviour is actually an expression of hostility or strong resistance through some kind of INACTION (hence the "passive" part).

So, for instance, repeated procrastination of certain tasks, or "forgetting" to do jobs might be PA.

Even if she's doing housework to annoy you, she's not being passive-aggressive.

Peyia · 15/05/2016 22:15

I don't understand this drip feeding malarkey.

Does the OP have to think of every possible question that might be asked to make their point clearer? Or maybe because MN allow 40 pages of waffle a discussion can actually be had.

If you're all bored with the notion that the OP is making it up as she goes along (to make herself look better) then stop entertaining her.

SirNiallDementia · 15/05/2016 22:16

My MIL did this to us. She has a spare key in case we lose ours. There was no reason for her to go into our house when we were on holiday, no animals to feed etc.

She "just thought she's pop in to check everything was safe" and we came home from holiday to find she'd done a load of gardening and all the washing that was sat in the dirty washing basket.

I was pissed off about the gardening cos she'd hacked down a climbing plant I liked but I was really cross about the washing. I do NOT have the type of relationship with my MIL where I am comfortable with her rooting around in my worn clothes and underwear.

I think you should ask if it's OK before you go tinkering in someone else's house TBH.

EmeraldEars · 15/05/2016 22:17

Wouldn't be happy about this. My mum doesn't even go into my bedroom unless she asks. I would not be happy with anyone emptying my linen bin regardless of whether or not they thought they were helping.

thatsn0tmyname · 15/05/2016 22:18

I would be cross too. I'm sure it was well meant but ......

Pixienott0005 · 15/05/2016 22:18

Some people on here are so unbelievably touchy. Pipe down people and drink a horlicks.

Peyia · 15/05/2016 22:19

shockthemonkey fair point.

I get also that she's most likely trying to be helpful but I guess none of us are fully informed of the relationship between the two, so it might feel like a dig at the OP.

upaladderagain · 15/05/2016 22:20

Tough call.

If my mil did this, I'd be uneasy at the sense of invasion of privacy and feel it was an unspoken criticism of my housekeeping.
On the other hand, if my DD was on holiday and asked my to keep an eye on her house while she was away, and there was a load of dirty laundry, I'd want to do it to help her out.
But I wouldn't think about doing it for DS and DiL as I'd understand how DiL might feel.
So perhaps it all depends on your relationship.

kinkytoes · 15/05/2016 22:21

Yanbu. I feel exactly the same when my Mil wipes down my entire kitchen when she's babysitting. Makes me feel highly inadequate.

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 22:21

Sorry, I'm new to mumsnet so don't know what "drip feeding" means.

We see her at least twice a week with the kids and, as I said before, on the surface we get on quite well. I probably am being a bit defensive cos it's bloody hard working, looking after the children and keeping on top of housework and I know that my house isn't always immaculate. Deep down I know that she was probably thinking that she was helping, but she also likes to point out when I don't do things "properly" and how well she juggled house and children back in the day.
if she had asked if I needed anything doing then it would have been different (I think).

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 15/05/2016 22:21

I think eye rolling, comments to DH about his mum, and complaining about help around the house is more PA than putting on a load of washing for you.

You sound like a nightmare tbh.

chanice · 15/05/2016 22:21

When I lived with my mum inlaw a few times I came back and my room would be clean. I would feel happy at first until she would ask me if she could borrow something that she had seen whilst tidying or I would actually find stuff missing.
Once she gave me some Egyptian dresses and when I had an argument with my oh she took them out of the wardrobe when I was out.

When she comes over mine now, I have to stop her walking into my bedroom and follow her around trying to redirect her to the sitting room.
If she did clean now I would be over the moon even if it was for secondary reasons as I am back logged with a lot of shit I would let her get on with it.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/05/2016 22:22

I must be some sort of freak, ok, but having anyone of any age come in to my house and sift through my laundry baskets without my permission would fuck me off HUGELY. And I am the age of many mils here.