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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
TheVillageTaxpayer · 15/05/2016 23:05

I'm a very private person so the thought of someone doing my washing and cleaning in my absence, unless it's someone I hired, is very disturbing.

Your husband should have your back on this instead of placating his mother. There is nothing wrong with establishing boundaries and if yours include NOT handling your clothing, bedding etc. you don't need to apologize for it. Wonder what else she was snooping into...

Comedyusername · 15/05/2016 23:07

My mother in law "helpfully" hung up all the washing in the machine without asking. Unfortunately it hadn't been washed so she literally hung out my dirty laundry Blush
YANBU - she could have texted you to check it was ok

FixItUpChappie · 15/05/2016 23:16

My MIL stays with us constantly and the woman is incapable of taking a fucking nice hint. I finally had my DH tell her outright to stop doing my laundry as to me it's an invasion of privacy. She is still huffy about it to this day.

"Personally, I have no patience with people who can't think beyond themselves and the fluffy glow they get out of delivering their considerate gestures. A intelligent person would give a moment's thought to whether the recipient of the considerate gesture actually wants it or not. And if in doubt, they would ask."

^^This is just utterly spot on

GipsyDanger · 15/05/2016 23:20

I don't think it's anything to do with passive aggressive, it's about privacy and respect. I get on famously with both my dm and mil, both would ask the question not just charge in and do laundry. Same reason I wouldn't do the same to them. Would you happily rummage through your mil's dirty knickers? Hmm

ThePineapple · 15/05/2016 23:23

My MIL is generally lovely but she was babysitting one if the DCs the other day and when I got home we were chatting over a cup of tea and she said 'oh I love that silky flowery top you've got.'

She was talking about a new jacket of mine that was folded under a pile of clean clothes on the ottoman at the end of the bed. So she had to have been deliberately looking through our clothes.

I just thought it was so weird. I just couldn't imagine ever going into her bedroom when she wasn't there and looking through her folded things - let alone tell her about it afterwards!

Apart from that we have a good relationship but i did wonder why she thought it was okay to do that just because it's her sons bedroom too.

thejerkstorecalled · 15/05/2016 23:23

My DM and DMIL always arrive at my house determined to be helpful and do laundry. It's really not helpful - they overload or underload the machine. They mix whites and colours so all the children's white underwear turns murky, they wash and tumble dry my hand wash only clothes, they wash everything all the wrong temperatures because they can't understand how to use the machine. They present me proudly with a massive pile of creased clothes for me to iron and put away when I'm busy doing others things like making their endless cups of tea. It is so not helpful. Putting a wash on is a really simple task that I can do quite easily with no 'help'. YANBU!

CodyKing · 15/05/2016 23:25

It's a trust thing - I wouldn't want anyone in my house who thought it was ok to go in my bedroom and strip the sheets and rummage through the washing basket - it's very personal and very low act.

If you asked - if still say no!

MIL used to go to her DD and do everything - wash iron clean and she thought I should allow her to do the same - No - by all means see the kids, take them out, lay wth them - but leave the rest - much more important to spend time with the GC.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 23:28

"Your husband should have your back on this instead of placating his mother."

Not if he disagrees he shouldn't. Why should he automatically back up his wife if she is bonkers wrong?

CodyKing · 15/05/2016 23:32

Why should he automatically back up his wife if she is bonkers wrong?

It's how OP feels. She doesn't want MiL doing her washing -

Get separate baskets and let her do her DH washing - in fact ask him to deliver it - job done

His wife is upset by this - he needs to recognise that

PerspicaciaTick · 15/05/2016 23:34

She wasn't being PA - she does seem to have a huge issue with boundaries.
I would be horrified if someone came into my home and sought out my laundry baskets, rifled my dirty clothes and then washed them. And because I find it such a horrifying thought that anyone would do this to me (anyone, not just MiL), I would never dream of doing it to anyone else except in very limited circumstances where I had their permission e.g. a friend or relative who was incapacitated by illness and needed a helping hand.

TheVillageTaxpayer · 15/05/2016 23:34

He should back her up because her boundaries in her own home - regarding her own clothing and bedding - should outweigh his mother's desire to snoop and meddle. That's why.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 23:48

I've heard it all now! Putting a load of washing on=snooping and meddling. Bloody hell.

paxillin · 15/05/2016 23:54

I have put on loads of washing at my DSIS when she had a new baby, cleaned my DFIL's house when he was unwell, cleaned bathrooms at my GP' house. My grandparents, parents, aunt and uncle have done all of the above. Because we love each other and step in to help when a hand is needed.

I always assume good intentions (and so do my family I hope) and have never done any of this to snoop or as a comment on anybody's housekeeping ability. Maybe that's what your DH thinks and probably what your MIL thought when she did it.

disappoint15 · 15/05/2016 23:55

This reply has been deleted

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MrsJoeyMaynard · 16/05/2016 00:01

I suppose a lot depends on the relationship with your MIL.

If my MIL did this, it would be out of a genuine desire to help, and she'd be horrified at the thought of it causing any upset. So even if I was annoyed by MIL washing my clothes, I'd probably keep it to myself.

My mum, on the other hand, has outright told me in the past that she thinks my housekeeping is unacceptably slatternly. She is very critical of my home, and when told to back off, has come out with with some very insulting comments about me having less than perfect standards.
If my mum did my washing, it really would be because she thinks I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the washing. She'd probably helpfully point this out to avoid any misunderstandings on the issue too. (My house really isn't that bad. It's just not an always immaculate show home. She's like that with my siblings too)

On another note, our washing baskets are in the utility room and bathroom. So no snooping in bedrooms would be required in order for a visitor to wash our dirty clothes.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/05/2016 00:02

Nothing at all to do with being DiL - I don't want anyone faffing my dirty pants. Not my mum, not my sister, not my brother-in-law, not my mother-in-law. Not when I was single, not now I am married.
I don't care if someone is "OK with a few worn pants", I am not OK with them looking at my worn pants. Or with them having wandered around my house looking for them.
Put the pants down and step the fuck away from my laundry - or next time you go away I'll come round and tidy up your computer files in a helpful and kind manner.

AliceInHinterland · 16/05/2016 00:04

I'm genuinely shocked that anyone wouldn't find this invasive. Who does random things for people without checking first? And why would grown adults need their laundry doing for them? If you have access to someone else's house, you get in, do what was agreed, and get out. Anything else is just extremely rude.

TheVillageTaxpayer · 16/05/2016 00:11

And why would grown adults need their laundry doing for them? If you have access to someone else's house, you get in, do what was agreed, and get out. Anything else is just extremely rude.

^ This, exactly.

The intent of the doer doesn't matter. It is still presumptuous to go beyond the established parameters. If you're helping out by feeding the cat, get in and out doing just that. Don't roam around looking for other ways to be "helpful" and that means don't do the laundry, wash the dishes, paint the dining room or dig up the weeds in the garden, period.

disappoint15 · 16/05/2016 00:12

But what is so terrible about your laundry? I'm being serious now. What exactly is so intimate and embarrassing that you would really care? I just don't understand all this invasion of privacy stuff. You're not special, you know. Everyone's laundry is pretty much the same. She washed her son's clothes for years. She gave birth to him. What exactly are you so upset about? That she knows you wear pants? That she's seen your socks? She knows you sleep with her son and have had his children. She's just done some washing. Be grateful. Relax. Remind her about the allergies.

Donatellalymanmoss · 16/05/2016 00:15

Are you me? I also live away but close to DH's family, have always prided myself on being able to look after myself and am studying which rather than qualifications appears to have just injected me with a rather unhealthy dose of imposter syndrome!!

Anway I'm not saying don't be annoyed about the washing more just don't take it so personally then it becomes a much easier to handle annoyance, if that makes any sense.

RonaldMcDonald · 16/05/2016 00:16

Op you sound like a delightful dil
Yabu of course

PerspicaciaTick · 16/05/2016 00:17

There is nothing terrible about my laundry - but it is mine, to choose to wash how and when I want. I see no reason to be grateful to someone who takes it upon themselves to do something which upsets me.

pigsDOfly · 16/05/2016 00:19

What is it with these women that go into another woman's home and start doing the housework/washing/ironing etc.

I've got enough of my own housework/washing etc to keep me busy thank you, I'm buggered if I'm going to go looking through someone else's laundry basket so I can wash their dirty clothes for them.

Different if someone is unwell or just had a baby and wants your help. Otherwise, it's bonkers.

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 00:21

So it's only your washing- other people can wash your dps and CDs things? Or is all the washing in your house yours and super special?

lalalalyra · 16/05/2016 00:22

I think it totally depends on the relationship you have with your MIL.

We have a new baby and over the next few weeks my MIL will most likely to take it upon herself to put on some washing, or hoover or something else. Not in a PA way, but in a 'I want to do something to help' way. Luckily for me her idea of helping with the new baby isn't to try and get me to bottlefeed so she can help or any of the other bollocks some people suffer from. It's by doing wee jobs around the house that mean DH and I can spend more time with the baby.

Then again when she was in hospital I moved her living room furniture and bought her new clothes so that she could get home, and she took that totally in the spirit in which it was attended.

If my friend's MIL done her washing it would come with a hefty dose of snide comments about how she doesn't do it properly and would be PA, so completely depends on the MIL and the relationship.