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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
kennypppppppp · 15/05/2016 22:22

exactly the sort of thing my ex mil would have done and it would have got my back up HUGELY.
totally intefering and an intervention (which is how I would have felt). i was constantly on the back foot with that woman.

and if you said to her "pleasea don't do that sort of thing again" would she said fine or would it be the i'm just trying to help, don't be mean, etc etc.

Dontrocktheboat · 15/05/2016 22:24

My MIL regularly does our washing, and when we go away she often gets to the bottom of the laundry basket - this is amazing as far as I am concerned. I do not see it as a dig at all she is genuinely trying to help and knows how busy we both are.

I think yabu and a tad ungrateful but then I guess it depends on the nature of the relationship as others have said.

Gatehouse77 · 15/05/2016 22:25

Oh FFS only on MN can a considerate gesture be deemed as a passive aggressive action! Hmm

I can understand if some people don't like the idea of someone else doing their washing but why does there have to be an ulterior motive other than thoughtfulness?

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 22:27

haveacupoftea when you put it like that, then I'm sure I do sound like a nightmare!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 15/05/2016 22:28

I wept with gratitude when my DM looked after our cats and she also cleaned the kitchen properly.

My MIL is a real clean freak and if she stayed she would do the well overdue deep clean that our house needs but she still works full time 20 miles away so unfortunately, its not going to happen.

I'm going about it the wrong way. I pay professional cat sitters to feed my cats when I go on holiday and am currently decluttering so I can pay other professionals to clean my house properly once it is actually tidy enough for this to be done easily and others simply invite clean freak relatives to stay and overlook a bit of judging that might not actually taken place and magically all this cleaning for you Confused.

Ambroxide · 15/05/2016 22:28

The MIL knows that OP's kid is allergic to the washing powder she used. How is this anything other than actively unpleasant? It's not helpful (will have to be done again anyway). It wasn't asked for or otherwise indicated that it would be welcome. The OP and MIL don't have a great relationship. Bang out of order. Get your keys back and get someone else to feed the cat next time. If she asks why, tell her politely that you don't want her to do unasked for tasks around the house. Your DH is being unreasonable too - he knows you will have to do it all again and he presumably knows that your MIL knows that the washing powder she used was unsuitable.

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 22:34

kennypppppppp when we got back I said "thank you, but you really shouldn't have" to which she said "fine, I won't do it ever again" and stomped away.
We usually get along ok because I don't like to rock the boat, but I felt like I had to say something this time. I may be ungrateful, but I am quite capable of doing my own washing and using a wash powder that is suitable for us all!

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/05/2016 22:36

All depends if you perceive it to be a considerate gesture.

Personally, I have no patience with people who can't think beyond themselves and the fluffy glow they get out of delivering their considerate gestures. A intelligent person would give a moment's thought to whether the recipient of the considerate gesture actually wants it or not. And if in doubt, they would ask.

Tubbyinthehottub · 15/05/2016 22:37

My MIL did this once. I was mortified at the thought of her going through the washing basket. Plus she ruined some trousers with the iron and had only put some of the light coloured stuff on and some of the dark. Not sure why but it meant I still had to do washing anyway. I was just so embarrassed.
Mine also treats DH like a boy and used to send him home with homemade freezer dinners, but only one person sized so I still had to make my own.

WildIrishRose1 · 15/05/2016 22:39

OP is your MIL Irish? While not wishing to promote stereotypes, if she is, then that's probably just what she does - anything to feel "useful"Smile

CalleighDoodle · 15/05/2016 22:40

I wouldnt mind anyone doing my ironing. Really i wouldnt so if anyone on here wants to do it feel free. Id even encourage my mil to, but hell would freeze over before she became helpful Grin.
I wouldnt mind someone pegging out my wet clean washing, or bringing in my dry on the line washing either.

But insould really dislike someone touching my dirty washing Confused

CalleighDoodle · 15/05/2016 22:42

wildirish my mil is irish and put my washing out once when dc1 was 6 weeks old after weeks of asking if she could do anything to help and me saying no each time and then dh telling me to just gove her a job to feel useful as she clearly wants to help. She didn't offer again.

nokidshere · 15/05/2016 22:44

My friend used to do my ironing when she babysat for me, my mum used to clean things - ie the cutlery drawer - when she came to stay because she thought they were grubby and well overdue a clean. I never felt that they were thinking i was dirty, just that they knew how knackered I was and anything other than essentials just didn't get done.

I was always hugely happy about it because it was another job I didn't have to do. Some of you must have very skanky knickers and clothes if it causes you so much angst that someone else might see them. Grin

Anyway, I never leave a messy house or dirty washing before I go away - nothing worse than coming home to it after a lovely week away

WildIrishRose1 · 15/05/2016 22:46

Sounds like a result then, Calleigh!

TomTomKitten · 15/05/2016 22:48

I think the moral of this story is that if you are a MIL then it's probably best to ask if it's okay to root through your DIL's laundry basket. You might think it's okay but a lot of people don't. Everyone is different. I, personally, am not comfortable with someone else fishing through my worn knickers... Not sure I would particularly want to touch my MIL's either. Each to his own...

Ankleswingers · 15/05/2016 22:48

You all speak about her as though she is a stranger. She is OP's MIL.

I don't see a problem with her doing the washing, really I don't. She is alone. Probably wanting to help and 'be useful '

If the issue is with allergies then discreetly rewash them With the right washing powder. No big deal.

Donatellalymanmoss · 15/05/2016 22:48

The view I have of this type of dynamic between MIL and DIL where the DIL feels massively judged by the MIL trying to help is that most of the annoyance comes from the DIL having both expectations for herself that are just ridiculously high and a very strong independent streak, and therefore being unable to accept help without feeling like she isn't living up to these expectations, or just because she's spent her life looking after herself thank you very much.

I think this because it's what I'm like. Once I realised that I was doing way more judging about my slatternly ways than my MIL was it became much easier to rub along a little bit more easily. When my MIL does something to help my DH I accept that it's because he's her son and not because I'm a shit wife, same with when she tries to do stuff for the children I try and see it as her doing it for love of them rather than a slight on me, and when she tries to help me I see it as her being nice. It is highly likely that there are times when she thinks I'm a lazy slattern but as I'm too busy convincing myself that she isn't doing this I no longer notice.

Anyway OP I may be way off the mark here, but your post just reminded me of me.

badg3r · 15/05/2016 22:50

I think if the opportunity arises you should mention or get DH to mention the thing about the washing powder so she realises that part of the annoyance is that you will just have to do it all anyway again.

I would be very embarrassed though if my mil took it upon herself to sift through my dirty underwear! It's kind of odd.

leelu66 · 15/05/2016 22:51

YANBU. I've seen a child balloon up like Michelin man after an allergic reaction to washing powder.

She was unreasonable to use wash your laundry when she knows your ds is allergic to her powder. How does your DH excuse that? That's not caring, that's almost sabotage.

I hate anyone else washing my clothes as well, I'm a bit anal about not mixing whites and colours.

WildIrishRose1 · 15/05/2016 22:53

When I was flat-sharing with a gang of girls, we got into a stand-off with one of them, as she never cleaned the grill pan after using it. This went on for weeks of us having to wash it. Eventually we bought our own and hid it, while she carried on using hers, which was truly hideous. Anyway, my (Irish) mum came to visit one weekend and, to "pay us back" for our hospitality, scoured the place from top to bottom, INCLUDING her grill pan, now thick with grease! She gave me a stern lecture about me shaming her afterwards. It took a lot of explaining to get me out of that one Grin

thecatsarecrazy · 15/05/2016 22:56

My mil did this once when she looked after the children for me. I know she was only trying to help but in wasn't happy about having my smalls gone through.

Original poster
Irishheart · 15/05/2016 22:58

Thank you Donatellalymanmoss that struck a chord with me. I am living away from my family and friends (in Wales, not Ireland) and I am fiercely independent. I also am feeling a bit lost and not "up to scratch" at the moment as I am busy doing an MBA, looking after two small kids and working in a new job that is very political and unfamiliar. Maybe this is more about the way I don't feel like I am able to give 100% to anything and am running around like a headless chicken trying to keep all the plates spinning.

I still don't think she should have gone through my dirty washing baskets, but maybe I can chill out a little bit!

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 15/05/2016 22:59

I can get how it's annoying. When mil comes here she always wants to wash up and clean stuff. While I get it's helpful I'm bemused as her house is not at all clean (she had a Ribena stain in her fridge for 18 months as she didn't clean it out) so I'm always wondering if she fancies cleaning why doesn't she get stuck in at her own place?

I don't say anything though. I do draw the line at her re-arranging my cupboards. I told DH if she did that again, I'd get my mother to re-arrange his office Wink

Rachel0Greep · 15/05/2016 23:03

I must be some sort of freak, ok, but having anyone of any age come in to my house and sift through my laundry baskets without my permission would fuck me off HUGELY.

Same here. YANBU, OP.

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 15/05/2016 23:03

Personally, I have no patience with people who can't think beyond themselves and the fluffy glow they get out of delivering their considerate gestures. A intelligent person would give a moment's thought to whether the recipient of the considerate gesture actually wants it or not. And if in doubt, they would ask.

This

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