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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child excluded from party

450 replies

Winterdaisy · 23/04/2016 18:47

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 23/04/2016 18:49

I would ask the teacher if there were any friendship issues.

Griphook · 23/04/2016 18:51

He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children hmm maybe you could extend on this, I think this is probably the crux of the issue. If go into the school to find out what's happening

TheTroubleWithAngels · 23/04/2016 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ameliablue · 23/04/2016 18:52

I would speak to the teacher to express concern about the friends issues and ask if they have noticed anything and if there is anything they could do to help him mix a bit more.

Original poster
Winterdaisy · 23/04/2016 19:03

Yes I agree his friendships are really up and down at the moment. He gos from requesting lots of people are invited over to saying he has no friends.
My concern is that until last week the boy who had the party was one of the children he was asking for a sleepover with.
The worst parts about my son are he can be boisterous and big headed, he is a little too aware and proud of being top of the class. The boy who had the party is currently struggling so I really worry my son may have said something horrible (he actually said at home his younger brother ds2 aged 6 was a higher level reader than birthday boy). This kind of thing is not tolerated at home by us btw but it shows what sort of thing he could have said. Also the boy he always hangs out with and has never mixed well with the rest of the class was at the party 😞 So my don has really been blacklisted

OP posts:
GabiSolis · 23/04/2016 19:19

I think asking the teacher is a good idea, but I do suspect you have answered your own question. I think it might be a good idea to try to work on your DS and his social boundaries. He is likely old enough to understand that he can't behave the way you describe and be invited to parties. It's good that you're not burying your head over this and just assuming he is a victim, that wouldn't help him.

That said, I do think it's a bit shitty to exclude only one child.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/04/2016 19:23

and proud of being top of the class

is there a list or has he come to this conclusion himself? its is definitely not something the teacher should be saying and given your ds's nature isn't doing him any favours.

you have recognised this and it is something you really need to work on and worthy of a chat with the teacher, nobody likes hearing someone say they are the best or better than them as it makes them feel second rate and they start drawing away.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 19:36

Well you have had your answer, Mabey he said something unkind to birthday boy, or was boasting to him.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 19:38

I think what op has meant, is that he is one of the more academic ones, if the boy is struggling, and your ds coukd quite possible you have said something rude to him, and upset him.

Dogmatix34 · 23/04/2016 19:42

You sound lovely and very aware of others feelings so I'm sure this will rub off on your son. Kids say horrible stuff all the time and it's clear you are picking him up on it.

PointlessFriend · 23/04/2016 19:46

It's mean to exclude one child but if he has actively been mean to the party boy turn I guess it's understandable. Hopefully the other kids haven't been talking about the party in class and making it clear your son wasn't invited.

Hopefully you can play it down if your DS does find out.

I would also speak to the school about your worries about your sons behaviour and ask them to guide him or 'remind' him about how to behave when he is at school.

Some kids are a pain in the neck at 8 and being cocky and a big rude isn't that unusual. I'd keep talking to him and trying to get him put himself in others people's shoes. Do you do role play with him?

Brightnorthernlights · 23/04/2016 19:47

I think it's a different situation (and therefore I think I would try to find out why) for just one boy to be excluded from a class party, as opposed to a group.

Maryz · 23/04/2016 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeToMuskUp · 23/04/2016 20:09

DS2 is 5 and in Reception. He is aware in very basic terms of the groups his class are put into for reading, writing, maths etc. He also knows that he answers lots of questions and puts his hand up often, and has asked several times why so-and-so doesn't know the answers. We've had to be very delicate in trying to cool him off and stop the big-headed thing which comes from going into Reception already being able to read and write, because it really can be off-putting to other children (and, by default, their parents).

I'd ask the teacher for advice and support in dealing with any friendship issues, and remind DS that knowing stuff isn't as important as other values; kindness and empathy (which, typically come later than the reading and writing stuff, of course).

ScarlettDarling · 23/04/2016 20:12

Your son mightn't have been purposely excluded. He could have been absent on the day the birthday boy gave out the invites and it could be lying in his tray at school. The mum might have simply forgotten your son when organising the invites (happened once to my own son.) his invite might have been dropped in the cloakroom and got lost. I teach in primary school and these things happen all the time. Try not to take it personally.

EweAreHere · 23/04/2016 20:19

I agree with a previous poster who said it is bullying by exclusion.

user789653241 · 23/04/2016 20:24

Like ScarlettDarling said, maybe it could be a lost invites? That's what came to my mind when I read OP. It happens a lot at my ds's school.

bonnie1981 · 23/04/2016 20:26

You should do what I did when it was my DD and comment under the photos "looks like the whole class had a great time!"

hasn't happened again.

Crabbitface · 23/04/2016 20:30

I totally agree with Maryz and think it is really shit to invite all the boys bar one. I worked with kids and they are all mean sometimes so even if he did something mean I can guarantee that he is not the only one. Some of the boys in my son's class have been mean to him on occasion but I would NEVER exclude one child.

nobody likes hearing someone say they are the best or better than them as it makes them feel second rate and they start drawing away.

But schools do this ALL the time - in my son's school academic achievements are not ever talked about in terms of best or worst but Star of the Week certificates are given out weekly to the child who "behaves" the best (i.e. first to get changed for P.E, first in line at the door, etc) Some kids get them ALL the time, some kids never get them. In sport, it always seems to be ok to say that you are the faster runner, or the best at football or gymnastics. But when it comes to academics - no one is allowed to mention who is the best. Weird!

lostscot · 23/04/2016 20:32

Oh I really feel for you both, my ds had same problem recently and is having similar problems on and off at play times. In our case it's a small school and there's a boy who joined after rest who rules the others and basically orders everyone around my ds isn't haveing any of being told what to do so he's been excluded from playing with rest. School are treating it as bullying and have been very good so I do think I'd ask teacher now if she sees any issues just in case. I hope things improve x

SallyMcgally · 23/04/2016 20:50

Never ok to leave out one child. It always amazes me when people find this acceptable. Let's hope scarlett's right and there's a misunderstanding somewhere.

sleeponeday · 23/04/2016 20:56

Inviting the entire class except one child is awful, IMO. DS was bullied in the past and I just asked some family to keep an eye on the little shit ringleader at the party, if they came. You don't exclude. Apart from anything else, what message does it send your kid if you do?

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 23/04/2016 20:56

I know it hurts, but when my DDs are having parties, I ask them who they want to invite and they tell me. I don't know the kids in their class, I only do the school run one day a week. So if their list was for all the girls in the class bar one, I really wouldn't have a clue. There may well have been absolutely no intention to deliberately exclude only your son. As suggested upthread, the thing to do is see it as the warning that it is that your son is having friendship issues and put a plan in place with his teachers and with him to resolve the problem.

sleeponeday · 23/04/2016 20:57

So if their list was for all the girls in the class bar one, I really wouldn't have a clue.

Confused Why don't you ask them at the time? I mean, being kind isn't something they drift into, usually. It takes consciously working on them to ensure it does go in.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 23/04/2016 20:57

I'd mention it to class teacher.

School can't influence what happens out of school (parties/play dates etc...) but they should be made aware.

Sometimes these out of school activities can mirror what is going on in class/break times.

It's bullying and attitudes (of your DS and the classmates) can be worked on through PSHE/carpet time/school council...

How are lunch and break times monitored?