Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

Absolutely. I think that what we (MNers 'we') is a wealth of experience. That we get from what we see in our own lives. Yours (and your daughters) has seen the absolute worst, so your views are coloured by that. Mine is coloured by what I have seen.

In my DDs case I can see that her bully is overindulged by her parents, she is rarely told off, is rather spoilt and wants to be the centre of attention at all times. She is not a nice child and not someone I want my DD around. But I can 'understand' (but not excuse) her behaviour - she was the very much wanted 'miracle' baby; mum had a number of miscarriages, a still birth and then this child. Mum can not upset her for any reason. She's not helping and was distraught when DH and I demanded action against her - not at what her child had done, but at her child being punished.

So our views are bound to be different. But it doesn't make either of us wrong.

I was a quiet child. If I had been subjected to ongoing "low level violence" by another child, I would have become very withdrawn and upset. One shove is different from a child who continually does things like that.

Yes I'm sure it does. Thankfully the sort of bullying your daughter suffered is very rare. As is the non- response of the school. I'm sure that doesn't help at all, but I think it is hard for a parent whose child hasn't suffered to see how bad it can get. Both schools let your child down very badly and should have done much more to stop this. I understand how lucky we were that DDs issues were dealt with.

My brother has two children (both adults now). Both kids had 'perfect' childhoods, no bullying, no problems. Both are successful and lovely and 'normal'. He couldn't understand My DDs problems, couldn't understand how much it hurt her. He simply said 'just sort it out' - and it's not as easy as that, is it? I cannot imagine what he would say if he heard your story - he probably wouldn't believe it tbh, because it's never happened to him.

(Please remember though, emotional or 'low level' abuse can be just as bad for the person suffering. It doesn't have to be as horrifying as it was for your child to hurt as much)

I have a child with SN who might have been viewed as a bully last year by some parents when he was age 5. He sometimes hit other children- but the psychologist said he was overwhelmed and confused and lashing out thinking he was under attack.

I was doing absolutely everything to get it under control and was suffering with depression due to the diagnosis.

This year DS behaves really well because he's got a lot of help.

I think the way some people on this thread are writing about SN is quite insensitive. It's not always easy to manage this behaviour. Obviously every parent needs to protect their own child and put them first - but spare a thought for the parents of children with SN. 99.99% of parent want their children to be happy and to have friends and will do anything to help their child fit in.

Dallas - if your daughter wants to invite her bully that's entirely up to her, but perhaps she hasn't experienced the same degree of bullying as others Orr perhaps she is affected by it differently. I don't think inviting the bully makes your DD a better or worse person that a child who doesn't invite them every person and every situation is different. I didn't blame my DS for not wanting to invite his bully. It is entirely up to the child, but ultimately if the victim doesn't want them there then they don't come.

Imaginosity - I know children may behave this way for a reason, and that parents may be doing everything they can to sort it. But as a 5 year old I would have been scared of your child.

I don't think inviting the bully makes your DD a better or worse person that a child who doesn't invite them

I never said it did.

every person and every situation is different

Yes it is.

Imaginosity. I genuinely feel for you, and it must have been really hard for you and you DS, however, surely on the other hand you might understand why a child who had been hit perhaps on Numerous occasions by your son may not want him at their party, and as an adult accept that?

When I was a kid the tow kids who did not get invited to things was a girl who was a bully, and a girl sadly who smelled really badly. The latter child was very neglected.

Outy, you said It is easier to excuse low level stuff that should in theory be easily sorted. But from the beginning I said severe I took that to mean that you could excuse what happened to my DD, as it was low level, and therefore not severe. I was simply pointing out that even 'low level' bullying can have a detrimental effect on the victim.

I apologise if that is not what you meant. It's a very emotive subject, isn't it?

Are you getting stroppy with me now outy? I thought we were chatting here. If that's the case I'll leave you to it. Passive Agression is never my thing.

Thank you outy. This sort of thing is hard isn't it? Brings up all sort of emotions (that we as adults no doubt try to suppress). We are cool though

Hope OP manages to update this thread, I would be really interested to hear the outcome.

Child A and child B existed a hundred years ago.It is human nature and they love the excitement of distressing a 'weaker' individual.

What I can not fathom is why parents are too afraid to tackle the problem themselves and confront the bully.When did you all become so afraid of standing up for right and only going through useless official 'channels'?

These power hungry little manipulators soon learn who the adults are who are not to be crossed.Blow the 'cosequences' when a child is being damaged on a daily basis.

Very upsetting to hear of months and years of bullying and unkindness.Shame on teachers and other mothers in the school community who are aware of this and do not want to get involved.

Nomudnolotus, I went down the routes of understanding my sons bully, I tried to show compassion, I spoke to his parents to cone up with a solution, I invited him on days out t the park. Unfortunately the mother took it on herself to have blinkers to her sons behaviour. My innocent son was subjected to verbal torment, having thus boy try to turn others against him, he was physically attacked every day sometimes kicking in the legs other times the boy tried to slam my sons head into concrete. I tried understanding, I tried finding a solution but without the parents suppoeprt it as impossible, I had to cut all ties and insist school kept the boys apart for my sons safety. Understanding etc us nice in theory but it does not always work in favour of keeping the victim safe esp if the bully's parents consistently turn a blind eye. Now I've stopped contact of course Im seen as the guilty part, what Im actually doing is safeguarding my own child who for 2 years feared gong to school and feared being physically attacked.

If my son was bullied, and he has been, there's not a cat in hell's chance that child would be invited to his party! Hell no!

Why should he have to invite someone who has made him feel misery, pain and upset?! To model good behaviour or not be a bully himself?! Pfffft!!

It wouldn't make him a bully; it would show the other child that there are consequences to being a bully!

Wow. This thread has really triggered people.

I'm shocked that so many parents on here condone bullying. Leaving 1 child out of a whole class party invite - at age 8 - is adult condoned bullying. Whatever the reason.

And no 8yos are not bullies. Don't project an adult behaviour onto small kids. Primary school kids may be inappropriately behaved and they may be mean but many are not in full control of their brains or actions. 11yo kids, especially girls, can be very hurtful too but having a whole class party and not inviting 1 of them is really not going to help anyone in the long term. Niether the victim nor the aggressor.

It isn't ok to teach kids that behaving inappropriately in response to inappropriate behaviour is acceptable. We should be teaching tolerance and understanding or where the hell will society be in 20 years time?!

If DS doesn't want someone at a party then he can't invite the whole class because an eye for an eye is not acceptable but nor would it be right to force DS to have the kid at his party. I agree with the poster that, if he definitely cannot tolerate the badly behaved kid at his party, having a smaller affair instead would be more appropriate - with only the kids he is really close to invited. Fact is he can't be good friends with all 29 kids - can he?!

This thread is totally bonkers. I thought MN was meant to be full of educated & thoughtful parents but clearly not.