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Original poster

Child excluded from party

450 replies

Winterdaisy · 23/04/2016 18:47

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 23/04/2016 21:58

No Starry they didn't !

I have to be honest I spoke to the mum and said that I couldn't stand by and watch my son be used for playing in our house when it suited the other child.

Otherwise what message would I be sending my own son about his self worth ? He had literally put everything in to helping this young lad settle into the area.

I have to say I'm the least assertive person ever - but that really brought out the Zena Warrior in me.

starry0ne · 23/04/2016 22:02

I think that is perfectly fine so long as you don't invite every girl but her.. that makes your child as bad if you do that. There have certainly been no go children on my DS's party list but it has never been a whole class party.

Lucyccfc · 23/04/2016 22:02

I don't think it it harsh Nomudnolotis.

Sometimes empathy and sympathy go out of the window when 1 child has bullied your child for a full school year. Pushing, hitting, kicking, name calling etc and a once happy child not wanting to go to school.

You are damn right he was excluded from my DS's birthday celebrations - all other boys in the class were there.

Harsh - no. Harsh is a DS having to put up with being bullied for a year. School have finally stepped up and sorted things out, but an invite this year? Over my dead body!

NoMudNoLotus · 23/04/2016 22:02

Nancy it's worth remembering no child is perfect .

Aswell as 2 younger children I also have 2 grown up stepchildren and believe me they can ALL be a PITA and cause people grief at some point.

Excluding one child is just plain awful. It could be your child one day.

hazeyjane · 23/04/2016 22:07

I wouldn't mind if it was just one, but ds has never been invited to anyone's party from his class, when they were at preschool together or anytime up to year 1

A4Document · 23/04/2016 22:07

I'm sure invitations do sometimes get lost en route, but how would you go about asking whether you'd missed an invitation, without sounding presumptious? Confused

NoMudNoLotus · 23/04/2016 22:07

Exactly Starry - it's fine not to invite a child - but for heavens sake do it in a decent manner - for eg only invite half the class . Or invite 8-10 children.

If your pointedly leaving 1 child out - that makes you a bully also . But an adult bully.

What goes around comes around .

What I do know is that what you role model for your child - they will start treating people in the same manner and it will be dealt back to them.

Behaviour breeds behaviour.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 23/04/2016 22:07

The only time I asked my DD's teachers for a list I was told they weren't allowed to give one out but if I liked I could hang around the lobby and write all the names down from their pegs. Christmas cards come in from and are sent to a few kids who are close friends, not the whole class - who on earth sends cards to an entire class!?! No lists have ever been given out, and we've attended two different primaries in two different parts of the country. I assumed that for child protection reasons this was standard.

I will repeat again - the reason I am making my points is to raise the possibility that the parents didn't have a clue that only the OP's son was excluded. Not to be roundly walloped, accused of being an "awful person" and "treating people like shit" in the same breath as being told I shouldn't be a bully.

I've made my point, I'm fairly sure it has been understood, I don't see how continuing any conversations aimed at me would help the OP - I'm done here.

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 22:09

I know no child is perfect but why does a child that is a bully have their feelings put above the child that is bullied?

What message does it give to my child if bully has to be invited or if she can't invite who she wants just because it might upset the bully? It tells my child that her feelings are not as valid as the other girls.

At some point children need to learn that actions have consequences. The consequence of making another kid cry every day is that you don't get invited to their party

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 22:10

That is awful noMud, is your ds still friends with him? What a wet excuse from the mother, user. Do yiu see them now?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 22:15

Good for you NoMud she needed to be told. I would have nothing more to do with her and delete her from Facebook.

TowerRavenSeven · 23/04/2016 22:16

I excluded someone from ds all class party when he turned 6 totally by accident. I had the list and for some reason I was copying it to another document and I skipped one child. I still don't know how I managed to do it because I double and triple checked the guest list with the original and I still managed somehow.

The mother called me up the week after and asked me (not nicely) why and I swore I invited him. Then I grabbed my list and to my horror realized his name wasn't on it and owned up to her and told her the story about the lists. She didn't care and was a total bitch to me the rest of the time our kids were in school together, and it was also a shame because I really liked the boy, he was a very nice boy and I was mortified. Really mortified.

So just keep in mind things like this do happen.

Storminateapot · 23/04/2016 22:18

I have twin boys, one of whom has learning difficulties. He's in mainstream school, top sets, but a bit socially awkward. Their little primary school took single class intakes and, as it happens, another boy/girl set of twins joined with a similar leaning diff boy & I became friendly with their mother for obvious reasons.
Flash to age 7 and every child but our two learning difficulty boys were invited to a birthday party. So a deliberate decision to invite one twin from each set, but not the other. My friend & I decided I would take my invited boy & her invited girl to the party and she would take the excluded boys out together for some fun. We were desperately upset (and hurt) for our boys but thought we'd dealt with it well.

Now.....my twins are now 14. Just last month, out of the blue and 7 years on, we were talking about childhood memories. My 'excluded' boy said he remembered the time he wasn't invited to the party when his brother was so he had to do something else. A major memory, 7 years on. Some crappy village hall job where he would have had fun & been absolutely no trouble at all, but a bitch mother excluded him because he was a bit 'off' at the age of 7. Half his life ago & he remembers.
Shame on any of you who does this to a child.

starry0ne · 23/04/2016 22:19

No Nancy...I would not invite a bully to my DC' s party however if I wanted to pick friends then it is not a class invite.. I do not think any child even in reception would name every single girl or every single boy bar one.

Twinklecomic · 23/04/2016 22:21

It's incredibly hurtful when one child gets excluded and I completely disagree with the notion that there is not at least occasional malicious intent amongst kids when this happens. It can be quite a power trip sometimes, with kids ostentatiously handing out party invitations around a group and pointedly leaving out one child. It happened to my youngest daughter and it from my perspective it was made worse by the fact that I had asked the whole class to her birthday party. But it seemed that to invite all, meant that no-one felt "special" and therefore the exclusion was acceptable. The exclusions were part of a package of bullying that was allowed to happen. This sort of crap is generally symptomatic of a bigger issue. I'd get on top of what is really going on. I wish you luck. Just reading your post has brought back some sour memories.

Italiangreyhound · 23/04/2016 22:24

Winterdaisy ask the teacher. But in your shoes I would ask the parent too, just very vague.

"Hi blah blah, how's it going... then ... I just wondered if i could ask you about the party, little winter didn't get an invitation and it seems he was the only one in the class not to be invited. I just wondered if he had upset the birthday boy or something had gone on that I was not aware of, I would rather know."

She already done something pretty mean by not inviting your son so i am not sure what else this could lead to but personally I would rather know.

Years ago my dd had a friend she adored but she said something that upset the other girl (I think quite innocently and stupidly) and it spoilt the friendship to some degree. For years afterwards my dd invited this child to parties (which she attended) but never got an invite back. I thought I must be going barmy until I discovered why the friendship had soured. I just made it clear to dd that saying certain things was unhelpful. It was too late for this friendship (think the child had bigger fish to fry she is a high achiever, I think, and DD is not!) but I see no problem in asking......

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 22:25

starry My child is not in reception and neither is the op's.
DD is friendly with all the girls in her class apart from the bully - they have all been in the same class for years so yes chances are if we have a big party she would like to invite them all.

My point is that sometimes the parents have a reason for leaving a child out --the op has said that her son can be a bit too clever and has made comments about the boy not being as clever as him. The op's son could be making the other child really unhappy at school - it could be a much bigger issue than she realises.

Binkermum29 · 23/04/2016 22:28

When one of my DC was about to start school, all the new parents
went to a meeting with the teacher to be given/and ask for info about school life. The teacher memorably said: ' if you're having a party and asking the whole class I'll be very happy to distribute the invitations for you. If you're leaving anyone out - do your own dirty work."
She had clearly had to pick up some of the pieces of some cruel exclusions.

Maryz · 23/04/2016 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 22:36

Maryz - I'm giving my child the message that she doesn't have to put up with people treating her like shit.
I'm telling my child that she can have the party she wants and she can invite who she wants.

I'm teaching her that her feelings are just as valid as everyone else's

Not inviting a child to one party on one occasion is in no way comparable to a child bullying another child every single day.

If DD said she didn't want to invite a child because they had SN I would be very upset with her and there wouldn't be a party - that's a totally different thing

Maryz · 23/04/2016 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 23/04/2016 22:41

I seriously can't believe people on this thread would invite a child to a party whose bullying their child! I must be a complete and utter bully then as I've excluded one child due to horrendous bullying of my DD. The aforementioned child cut a 14" ponytail off of my DD and that was just one incident. Are you all seriously saying after doing something like this you would invite the bully? Would you all say to your child "ok, so she's bullied you for 2 years but you MUST invite her?" Call me cruel, a bully or whatever but there was no way that child was being invited.

Italiangreyhound · 23/04/2016 22:44

nancy75 Re "My DD struggles at school, there is a top of the class girl that never misses a chance to tell DD just how thick she is, DD is regularly in tears thanks to this child. When DD's birthday comes round there is not hope in hell that this child is going to be invited to a party."

How old if your DD? Primary age?

I would not invite a child who bullied my child to her party,

BUT before the party comes around I would make certain I addressed this issue. Speak to the teacher, these unkind and undermining comments should not continue. Give your child some help in how to rebuff these unkind comments while the teacher steps on it. Things like "Oh Betty there you go again being mean and showing off how clever you are!" I am sure if your child said something similar the comments might stop. Talk to the teacher and see what the teacher can suggest. One child should not make another's life a misery and the teacher should not stand for it. Good luck.

cleaty · 23/04/2016 22:45

I never understand the view that some have here that a child should invite a child to their party who has bullied them. Why the hell should they? As an adult I would not invite an adult to my party who had bullied me.

Samcro · 23/04/2016 22:48

i have only ever seen this view on mn, in rl if a child makes your childs life a misery....they do not get included.

leaving kids out for random reasons is wrong(like sn....yep you bitch who did that to my severly disabled child...well karma got you)
but .... a bully no way