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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child excluded from party

450 replies

Winterdaisy · 23/04/2016 18:47

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

OP posts:
bojorojo · 23/04/2016 22:50

I think some of the language used on this thread about very young children is not acceptable. Labelling very young children as bullies and shits is a bit strong. They are young and they can be encouraged to improve. We actually have no idea if the op's DS is a "bully". Possibly not and possibly a bit misguided if he has said something unkind. Children are not born bullies. Whilst parents may not want these children at parties, there should at least be some understanding that very young children are not always rational and may not have parents who understand good manners and being pleasant to others. They may not have good role models or be corrected if they say something unkind.

Try and have a party with just a few or everyone. Don't leave one out. Children do understand where they "sit" in a class and who they think are their friends. It is sad when friends are not what they seem and invitations are not reciprocated. However, it is not the end of the world. We always did something extra special that day - much better then the party!

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 22:51

Maryz - the child in question is 11, brightest kid in the school - when she sees my daughter crying and laughs in her face she knows what she's doing.

When she picks up dd's school book and reads all the spelling mistakes out to make the other kids laugh she knows what she's doing

When she tells dd she isn't allowed to play with other kids because she is too think she knows what she's doing

I could go on and on. The child is a bully, and I will not put her feelings above my daughter's

Not inviting someone to something is not bullying. What should I do? Tell DD I know it will ruin your birthday but you have to have her there?

DD wants a disco party this year - it will be pretty rubbish if she can only invite half the girls in her class, so again the bully wins, she gets to ruin DD's birthday because we can't invite all the girls just in case bully gets upset?

SpringHasNearlySprung · 23/04/2016 22:54

there should at least be some understanding that very young children are not always rational

The child in question is not very young, they are 8 years of age.

Maryz · 23/04/2016 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnydaysrock · 23/04/2016 23:01

nancy75 damn right you don't have to invite a bully to your dds party. Through recent experience 11 year old girls can be evil. They are definitely old enough to know right from wrong. There may well be an underlying reason for a bully's actions but that is not your dds concern. She is entitled to a birthday party with whoever she likes.

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 23:01

The bullying is worse than I've said and the school are useless but that's another thread. This is DD's last term and thank god they are going to different secondary schools.

cleaty · 23/04/2016 23:02

No, children should not be made not to invite children they want to, simply so a child that bullies them is not upset.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 23/04/2016 23:07

then leaving one child out will only make it worse.

It never in the situation my DD was in. The bully got a firm message and was apparently "distraught" at being excluded. What a shame. She should have thought about consequences before brandishing scissors to cut off someone else's hair! The bully actually ended up with little no friends due to her behaviour. Why should someone have a smaller party? If a child doesn't want a particular person at a party then why should they not invite everyone they want there?

I'm still gobsmacked people on this thread would invite someone who bullies their child to that child's party, I really am.

twelly · 23/04/2016 23:08

It is the birthday child or parents choice who they invite. No one is excluding they are not inviting, just as you might not invite some in around to your house or to join you socialising. If a child has upset or said something to upset birthday child then they make that choice.

cleaty · 23/04/2016 23:08

Children need to learn that their behaviour has consequences

TrixieBernadette · 23/04/2016 23:13

I hate fb for this stuff. I hate the passive aggessive statuses thanking other parents for parties, clearly aimed at making other parents realise they arent "popular". It reminds me of cats pissing on their territory.

Tis shit he was excluded from the party. Definitely speak to the teacher about general friendship issues.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 23/04/2016 23:13

nancy75 - hope your DD has a fab disco. Don't let the bully dictate her life.

FankEweVeryMuch · 23/04/2016 23:18

We had a lost to invite situation once. It was only because the party details changed and invites re-sent that my son got the invite. That situation does happen, I imagine quite frequently.

If he was not invited then I think that is horrible. I wouldn't dream of leaving one member of the class or one boy out like that.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/04/2016 23:29

You know reading through this thread the only parent who sounds like a bully here to me is Maryz. Who exactly are you to tell anyone that their child should have a smaller party, just to accommodate the person that bullies her? Or telling people they are worse than bullies when you know nothing about them, or their children? Perhaps you don't mean to, but you certainly come across as very condescending and arrogant with a complete refusal or willingness to understand any other person or child's perspective. I genuinely must live on a different planet Confused

TiffanyBonj · 23/04/2016 23:43

@Maryz you need to calm down a bit, who are you to dictate that someone has a smaller party? Just so that a bully's feelings aren't hurt!

I have excluded particular children from all class parties, and likewise my children have been excluded as well, it happens, it's not the end of the world, only time I wouldn't find it acceptable is if it's because the child has learning difficulties/SN, they were actually the only kids I made sure where on my DC's list.

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 23:45

Nah, Maryz isn't a bully (even though she doesn't agree with anything I've said!)

I know it sounds crap to say I would leave a kid out but until your child has been on thee wrong end of a bully you just don'y know how upsetting it is, for the bullied child and their parents.

Samcro · 23/04/2016 23:46

MaryZ is not a bully ffs
like a lot of posters on mn she has an opinion .....I and you may not agree with it but ffs that does not make her a bully

SpringHasNearlySprung · 23/04/2016 23:46

I'm wondering if Maryz has ever had a child that's been bullied? There's a few other people that have commented on the thread that I also wonder if they've experienced their child being bullied? I'm very surprised that people would actually invite someone who is bullying their child to that child's party. I really should have invited the little bitch that cut my DD's hair off and used her as a piñata

I wonder if those that are in the "invite the bully" camp would still invite them after walking into a room with their 11 year old sobbing, holding her pleated ponytail and begging her mum to sort it?

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 23:48

Lets not make this into a battering Maryz thread, she's been here years and she's not a baddie Smile

Samcro · 23/04/2016 23:49

your right she isn't Nancy

Duck90 · 23/04/2016 23:51

Excluding one child in particular will not help. As others have suggested a smaller party is a better option. It won't teach the "bully" anything, more likely it will make the vulnerable kid more likely to be targeted. It will be used against a child and the others in the group will be worried how to respond to the situation.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/04/2016 23:55

I think Maryz length of service is irrelevant.

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 23:57

MrsRyanGosling15 - I only mentioned that because I have seen her on lots of threads over the years and I know she's not a nasty poster. I'm not saying being here a long time automatically make you nice (I know that's not true!)

Duck90 · 24/04/2016 00:00

Sorry to add, but you don't necessarily need to be a parent of a child who is bullied (but that is an awful place to be). We were all children once, desperately trying to fit in. It was horrible.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 24/04/2016 00:05

There is a way to express an opinion and realise other people have differing but just as valid views. And then there is basically saying well I'm right and you and your child are wrong, whatever the circumstances.