Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child excluded from party

450 replies

Winterdaisy · 23/04/2016 18:47

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

OP posts:
SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 23/04/2016 21:02

Because, sleeponeday, rightly or wrongly, and even though I was bullied and excluded at school, it probably just wouldn't occur to me to check. Where would I even get a list of all the girls in class to check against? And they probably wouldn't be being deliberately mean or unkind; I ask who they want to invite and they tell me - their minds are on who they want there, not sneakily thinking "aha! I shall invite everyone except Sophie, mwah hah hah!!".

Lemonblast · 23/04/2016 21:03

How does an 8 year old know that they are 'top of the class' ? Confused

Maryz · 23/04/2016 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 23/04/2016 21:08

Nope, no idea how many kids in DD2's class. Less than the usual 30, that's all I know. And no idea on the boy/girl split. I work full time and only do pickup on Friday afternoons, and the kids just come out in a big blob of all three classes at once. My life is quite busy enough to be making sure that party invites include all the girls or not. It has honestly never occurred to me.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 23/04/2016 21:09

My point is that it might well be thoughlessness, rather than spite, that lead to the OP's child being excluded. Still not ideal, I conceded. But surely better than him being deliberately excluded?

Maryz · 23/04/2016 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starry0ne · 23/04/2016 21:11

yes I would talk to the teacher.. I would not exclude one boy..

inastew · 23/04/2016 21:21

Where would I even get a list of all the girls in class to check against?

Did teacher not provideal a list of names for Christmas cards?
If not, would most parents not note kids names from Xmas cards received?

I just sent out party invites and a few in class omitted at my 5 year olds choice. I don't know them from Adam, so I went with it.

Excluding just one kid is poor though. Maybe invite mislaid. But best speak to teacher rather than parent.
If your kid not that bothered, maybe just move on and try forget it?

sleeponeday · 23/04/2016 21:22

Sera I always ask. If they lie then sure, nothing you can do, but just the asking shows them what your position is, surely, so you are modelling kindness in that way?

blowmybarnacles · 23/04/2016 21:24

Even if the boy wanted to invite all the boys bar yours, his parents should not have let him.

sleeponeday · 23/04/2016 21:24

Incidentally I don't think there's any problem with not asking all the kids. The problem is when someone asks all the kids except one. And if you are in double figures for a single sex party, then yeah, I think asking is just common sense.

SallyMcgally · 23/04/2016 21:27

Whoever drops child off can pop into school and ask class teacher or TA to look over list of names and check that there aren't glaring omissions. Have always found them happy to help. Takes 3 mins.

ExitPursuedByABear · 23/04/2016 21:31

Don't schools give out class lists? Ours did.

Shapebandit · 23/04/2016 21:31

Was he the only child in the class excluded or the only boy?
Only child is not on. Only boy could easily be explained though. If parent says to child 'choose 15 friends' and child chooses 8 boys and 7 girls you wouldn't think twice about it to wonder if there might only be 9 boys in the class. You'd just think you'd invited about half the class so no issues

PPie10 · 23/04/2016 21:33

Was he the only child in the class excluded or the only boy?

I think you need to clarify op. If he is the only boy then I don't think it's an issue he wasn't invited other than to find out if he's getting along with the other boys in class.

hazeyjane · 23/04/2016 21:33

Earlier today I saw all the kids in ds's class (bar 2) running down the road to a party, and then saw the photos of the party on FB.

If you have a whole class party (or all the boys/girls) make the effort to invite ALL of them including the 2 with SN

emsyj · 23/04/2016 21:38

"Where would I even get a list of all the girls in class to check against?"

From the teacher. That's where I got mine. And I work full time too.

NoMudNoLotus · 23/04/2016 21:39

Completely agree with Maryz.

This happened to my DS aged 7 .

He is a placid, sensitive boy. A boy moved in across from us over the Rd .

My DS really took him in under his wing as the new child knew nobody. He spent endless hours at ours after school, weekends, Halloween parties, birthday parties etc etc .

My DS went over the Rd last year to call for him - when he got there the door opened and the boys birthday party. He had invited every child my DS ever introduced him to.

5 days previous the boy had been knocking at our door asking to come and play and we ended up giving him tea.

I will never forget the look on my poor sons face when he came back from finding that party - with all his own friends there.

I have no idea what his mother was playing at. The week before I had loaned her a load of calming bedtime books as she had asked for my help as her son wasn't settling at night.

Later on the birthday party day she also uploaded all the party pics on Facebook .

The only explanation she ever gave was that her son was flighty and on a particular day hadn't wanted to invite my son.

Parents really do have a responsibility to role model for their children.

ExitPursuedByABear · 23/04/2016 21:44

That's awful!

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 21:47

looks like I'm going to be a lone voice here.
My DD struggles at school, there is a top of the class girl that never misses a chance to tell DD just how thick she is, DD is regularly in tears thanks to this child. When DD's birthday comes round there is not hope in hell that this child is going to be invited to a party.

starry0ne · 23/04/2016 21:51

Gosh No mud... That is awful.. I expect things never improved from there..

NoMudNoLotus · 23/04/2016 21:52

If she's the only child in the class that doesn't get invited Nancy then that is incredibly harsh .

Brightnorthernlights · 23/04/2016 21:52

Absolutely agree with Maryz. To add, I find it hard to believe that a parent can't find time to check with a class teacher to make sure they have all the names for party (be it whole class or all boys/girls) invitations. Personally, I would be appalled at myself if I caused misery to the one child I left out because I didn't check.

AvaCrowder · 23/04/2016 21:55

I did whole class invites for the first year or two at primary school, partly because I worked so it was a chance for me to meet the other mums.
Leaving one child out is really mean, whether it comes from the parent (indefensible) or the child.

nancy75 · 23/04/2016 21:55

NOMud, it's not as bad as my daughter thinking the other kid's feeling are more important than hers.
What should parents in my position say? Yes I know she makes your life a misery, yes I know you come home crying at least once a week because of her nasty comments but you still have to invite her to your party? I don't think so