Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

Mindfulbear... Are you being very goady or have you not read the thread? All your post is liable to do is provoke the outrage and upset of people for whom bullying IS beyond the low-level stuff that most of us come across.

So your 'whatever the reason' is blinkered, unkind and just a bit stupid. Your insulting last sentence is one that you should read and reflect on for yourself.

Completely agree that leaving out one kid is very bad behaviour, unkind and inconsiderate of the parents of the other boy. No matter what your DS may have said or done - and also hats off to you for being so open with yourself about your DS potential own responsibility for the situation, will definitely do your DS good to behave a bit differently - this does not justify leaving him out as the only one. I think either you invite the whole class or all the boys/girls or you do just friends from outside school, potentially with just very few close friends from class, so it's clear it's only for 'close friends'.

And no 8yos are not bullies. Don't project an adult behaviour onto small kids. Primary school kids may be inappropriately behaved and they may be mean but many are not in full control of their brains or actions. 11yo kids, especially girls, can be very hurtful too but having a whole class party and not inviting 1 of them is really not going to help anyone in the long term. Niether the victim nor the aggressor

Bullshit. Sorry but you don't know what you're talking about. This sort of minimising behaviour is exactly why bullying gets so bad and leads to such terrible outcomes, some of which I demonstrated above with children committing or contemplating suicide.

And yes I am educated actually - I only managed to stay alive long enough to become educated because my parents actually took my bullying seriously and didn't poo pooh it with this absolute ridiculousness that you've written.

In inner city areas, over 43% of children have considered suicide and one in six children under the age of 11 have attempted suicide. Common causes cited include bullying, abuse, poverty, homelessness, and alcohol abuse

These children are old enough to consider suicide as a viable way out of their situations. Yet we don't think the abusers are capable of thinking about the impact of their actions? People don't give kids enough credit at all.

Also think it's a completely wrong approach to leave 'bullies' out of your party. I was bullied at school, yet we always invited the whole class, including the bullies, to my birthday party. It was one way in fact to show them I was not scared of them, and to see each other in a different context. I do, however appreciate that there can be situations where a bully is so bad that it would be traumatising for the victim to have that person at their party, but I do believe this constitutes the minority of cases where kids are left out - most often it's the other way around, that parents let their kids bully the weaker kids by not inviting them.

Agree with gray. My son was bullied so badly he couldn't sleep, he wanted to leave the school he had loved so much all because of one 7 year old child terrorising him on a daily basis, making him believe he would have his head smacked into the ground, making him believe he would turn all his friends against him, completely took away all his confidence. I tried to work with the bullies parents, they didn't want to know. I've done everything I needed to do to protect my child and build up his confidence again. There us no way I would also let thus child ruin my child's birthday, if that means he feels left out so be it, might make him feel just a little of the terror he has put my child throu

I tried to work with the bullies parents, they didn't want to know.

The bullies parents probably shared some of the bullshit views on this thread that their little darlings weren't really bullies just didn't understand their feelings or were not in control of their actions.

Minimising behaviour that relies on the victim having to put up with their crap

My ds was the one who was bullied (when he was 5-7yo), and the one who was left out of parties, was socially awkward. I can see both sides.

It is never ok to leave ONE child out. Of course you don't need to invite a bully, but you don't need to leave ONLY them out, so I agree with MaryZ on that one. Also, the worst bullying, in my experience, is group bullying so it will not be done by one person. There will be the person laughing or sniggering or egging the other person on in some way. Ds was bullied by a group of about 5 boys who were all very intelligent and socially mature. It was only very briefly physical, but it was very damaging, and very hard for the school to do deal with, as they found it hard to get their heads around the kind of psychological bullying 6yos are capable of.

Ds has been the one 'left out' too, due to being socially awkward, and it is very damaging. I don't think he's ever been the only child in a class left out, but the only one in a perceived group of 'friends'. Or the one who is never invited, compared to his brother who always is.

No DS you can't have a class party like your friends or your DSis and DB or indeed you previously because we don't want to upset the bully do we? Unless of course you invite the kid who has been kicking the shit out of you for 3 months, then you can do what you want on your birthday
Wtf?

Kicking the about out of your child . At 8? Having seen physical bullying and psychological bullying (and experienced both myself), I know psychological bullying is much worse. This includes saying unkind things, befitting people and of course, the main one, leaving the victim out deliberately. It's a lot worse than a kicking. And adults are doing it?

About = shit
Befitting = belittling

Merry my son was punched, kicked in the genitals, smaked around the face etc etc. (at 6 by the way) for months. Also stabbed with a pencil. But obviously thats nothing compared to what YOU know about is it? and adults are doing what?

I don't like the assumption that the one left out must be a bully, and therefore deserve it.
cleaty my DD neither smells or has been implicated in any bullying. She has been partially deaf in the past couple of years, and thus communication with friends has been difficult.

To be left out, even through thoughtlessness, is unkind in such circumstances.

Adults are joining in with psychological bullying by deliberately leaving a child out. I've been subjected to both kinds of bullying, and seen my son subjected to both (though mostly the psychological sort). I can safely say that being ganged up on or left out is a much worse feeling than being physically hit. My kids hurt each other quite frequently (including kicks in the balls), but what really gets them upset is when they are left out of a game and the others won't let them play.

I actually can't believe that you are trying to play down physical bullying in the way you are. Being left out of a game is worse than being physically hit? As such I have absolutely no time for your opinon.

Having seen physical bullying and psychological bullying (and experienced both myself), I know psychological bullying is much worse. You know that YOUR psychological bullying was much worse, you cannot speak generally, as you seem to be doing.

Don't downplay physical bullying

I also know my son's psychological bullying was much worse. I'm not paying physical bullying down. I'm saying an 8yo kid hitting another kid is FAR LESS BAD than an adult, who has children themselves, being involved in psychological bullying. If that's playing it down in your eyes, so be it. Some people don't like seeing what they are.

It isn't physiological abuse to not invite your bully to your party.

Just like it wouldn't be abuse to not invite your rapist to a party you were having.

No, it's not physiological.

I won't even comment on comparing an 8yo who hits out sometimes to a rapist.

nancy75 I agree with you. That child won't forget a hard lesson that she needs to learn. Tell her mother why she's not invited, she's caused a lot of misery.

Young kids are bullies because they still think in black and white. They also 'get rid' of their bad feelings about themselves by projecting them into other kids to make themselves feel better. A young age is the best time to get them out of it. Please realise bullies are cowards bigging themselves up and are vulnerable too.Anti-bullying teacher

And I do mean bullying by anyone of any age is never acceptable, even though there are reasons for it.

Coolcat1 I'm really struggling to follow all those arguments. I get that a child projects and sees in black and white. If we exclude them, they will use the same strategies as previously used and project their bad feelings about themselves onto the people, who left them out. Therefore surely leaving them out will most likely have served no purpose because they will refuse to accept responsibility for their part in the process and bully that individual child more.
In my experience, it is being kind to a bully, which is most likely to have the most surprising reaction and positive outcome. I don't mean sucking up to them. I mean accepting them despite themselves. It is only then that the bullies, who as you say are cowards can allow themselves to be vulnerable and break the cycle. I am not talking about extreme bullying, where bullies have truly made people's lives hell, some of these people have sociopathic or psychopathic traits and to do this would be to put our children's sanity and even their lives at risk.

I have been a victim of bullying for all my life. My mother sees in black and white. Having never matured into a well rounded adult, she projects all of her unwanted feelings about herself onto me. Had people shown her the way, perhaps I would not have suffered and still be suffering at her hands. We are after all talking about vulnerable children, however poor their actions. There have been a lot of discussions on this topic in this thread - I'm trying to talk in terms of a societal way of addressing the issue - of breaking the cycle for the child, who bullies. And if the cycle isn't broken then these bullies will likely bully their own children, who then in turn may be willing to bully the next generation of classmates. I know every parent has to make the decision for themselves how best to protect their children from a bully. Sometimes rejecting them is the only way and sometimes a better way can be found.

maryz (and other who say bullies should not be excluded) - I think it's very easy to say that if you haven't had personal experience of severe bullying that has been discussed on this thread. If my child had been bullied like that, there's no way on earth he/she would be invited to a party.

The problem is this: 'have a smaller party' you say. So the birthday child has to choose a certain type of party to spare the bully's feelings? How many is it 'ok' to leave out? Two, three...more? Suppose it's a very small class or not many girls/boys in the class? Someone said unthread their dd wanted a disco party, not much fun with only a handful of children.

I would agree that it's not nice to exclude one child. But nor is it ideal in order for the bully not to be invited, the birthday child has limited choice to the type of party and how many friends to invite.

It is not up to the victim and the victim's parents to put the child bullying first.