Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

BTW, OP I am not insinuating your son is a bully. In normal circumstances I would never exclude a child and I really feel for your son and you.

In our school, in primary, we are not allowed give out invites in school unless every child in the class is being invited, if it is selective then the invites have to be given outside of school.

MaryZ. often bullies do not change.

My DD was bullied severely at age 10 by this girl, they are now 13. I dropped my DD off at a birthday party recently, the bully was there. She went over to my DD, said 'Nice dress, X', turned around and did a fake stick her fingers down her throat in front of her group of squaddies, she didn't realise I was standing right in front of her. I said "I see YOU haven't changed, still jealous !', the only difference now is that she did appear to be embarrassed, and all her 'friends' were giggling so hard that she had been caught.

Sometimes I read and think only on Mumsnet! It's a parallel universe.

My son has aspergers and finds it hard to make friends. Shortly after he was diagnosed i was finding it really hard to come to terms with and was so worried about him ending up lonely. I was standing in the school yard one morning watching him play before school - he was age 5. Another child was running around happily handing out a big bunch of party invitations to lots of children. DS noticed too. He didn't get an invite - but would have been absolutely delighted if he had. The child's parent was standing nearby chatting to other parents who were saying thank you for the invite. I felt so alone and sad for my child. Some people are not very sensitive. That parent could at least have tried to have been discreet.

I've recently realised one of the mums in DS2's Yr1 class is deliberately didn't invite some children her DS wanted to include, for really petty reasons. She's pretty dominant in the yard but I think I'm going to give her a bit of a wide berth. Funnily enough, they're all our DS's friends so it'll be interesting seeing her face when they're all at his party in a couple of months, nits, funny noises and all.

That sounds hard imaginosity, hope its not still not happening (your post sounded in the past).

"Maryz - I'm giving my child the message that she doesn't have to put up with people treating her like shit.
I'm telling my child that she can have the party she wants and she can invite who she wants.

I'm teaching her that her feelings are just as valid as everyone else's

Not inviting a child to one party on one occasion is in no way comparable to a child bullying another child every single day."

Much applause and many to Nancy, especially for this post.

Neither of my DCs were bullied but if they had been it would have been a cold day in hell before I invited a bully to their parties.

As someone else said bullies need to learn that actions have consequences.

It may seem horrible to leave one child out of a party invite, but it isn't bullying.

The op says that her son often points out to others that he is top of the class, or has a higher reading level, or criticizes them for not being able to read well, or knowing their times tables and that he may have upset children...

Do you know how horrible it is when that happens to your child? My daughter had a year of it & it turned her against school so much that we have issues most mornings now.

It can really knock a child's self confidence & spirit to constantly hear that from a peer, and to be honest, I would discourage my child from inviting someone like that to their party!

At your birthday you don't want to hear that sort of thing. There is no expectation that every boy, or every girl be invited to parties, and to be fair op..if he is showing those traits in class, he is likely to make himself very unpopular!

It's hard isn't it the party dilemma. One of mine, age 11 just doesn't get invited to any parties and hasn't for years. I see the parties on FB too. Even if they are not whole class parties it still hurts.

The use of the word bullying is incorrect, just because you don't invite someone to something does not make it bullying. Free choice. Children as well as adults make choices and that us their right.

I think finding out that if you're nasty to someone they won't want you at their party is not a bad lesson for an 8 year old to learn. I don't understand why people think it's acceptable to force a young child to invite someone who's been deliberately cruel to them to their party. It's a very different matter to excluding someone from a large group invite because they're just not your favourite person right now. It does very much depend what's going on behind the scenes, and one hopes the birthday child's parents would have checked what was going on before sending out invites. I've been to a kids party where the entire class bar the kid who'd been massively bullying the birthday child were invited.

I suspect he once upset them, children can be unforgiving. Once you are unpopular it's hard to get other children to give you another chance.

I've known people who have moved schools, just to have a fresh start, and it was very much worth it.

I think people need to remember that bullies are children .

We are talking about primary/junior children here.

And the vitriol that some posters are spouting is disgraceful .

It really does not surprise me that those same posters would be happy to leave one child out.

Child bullies are often driven by unhappiness themselves - it takes a community to raise a child .

If you and your children continue to adopt such harsh approaches - the only consequences that will be felt are by your children as they reap what they sow.

I do agree with maryz actually, children often are immature for their age and say the wrong thing. They don't understand empathy, and aren't sufficiently aware until they are teens. It's a developmental process, so excluding a person because they are socially rubbish is as bad as excluding a child because they are rubbish at maths.

I really like the way my DD1 and 2's school deal with this. The teacher hands out birthday invites at registration and it's all very open, they massively stressed at the beginning of reception that parties were about numbers and if you don't make the cut it is the same as if an after school club is full: they'll be other parties you can go to. Easy breezy get on with the day. Not inviting one kid is shitty and personally I would never do it, but then I'd never be insane enough to do a class party either so people are left out. I think the best lesson you can teach is self respect and resilience about stuff like this. Not being invited doesn't make me a bad person, it's nothing I have done. Separate the boasting issue from the party issue for your son. His confidence is good! Kindness is better and you'll be helping him negotiate that.

The worst parts about my son are he can be boisterous and big headed, he is a little too aware and proud of being top of the class.

I've skim read the rest of the thread but maybe this is a good point to mention to him that if he is saying unkind things to other children and showing off, then this is the result: he wont have any friends.

I dont think it is nasty to exclude him. If he really is boasting the whole time and making the other children feel bad, why should he be invited?

You might also want to tell him that he might not always be the top of the class. I wasnt that bright at primary school. But I think maybe alot of it was lack of confidence maybe from DC like your son who boasted about themselves the whole time

I was no good at maths, not great at spelling, blah blah.

I really blossomed when I was older, became more confident in myself.

Well now, I'm a solicitor and lots of the big headed kids didnt do as well.

Pride often comes before a fall.

I am a mother who lets their child choose who they would like to invite to their party. Usually around 9-10 of their friends. I have never done whole class parties for this very reason - my child should invite who they like to their own party.
I actually think its an important lesson to learn in life, my boys have had to learn that they will get invited to some parties and not others, that's just the way life is.
Although if one child had consistently bullied my child, then no I am sorry I would not invite them. Same as I would not invite any child who is not a friend as such.
I find it gets easier as they get older too. Birthdays naturally become smaller affairs.

pride often comes before a fall they are only 8! I loathe that expression. Children should celebrate their achievements- just as they should be kind to others and sometimes that can be a delicate line to walk. Adults struggle with it fgs.

ssrly I would not be happy with a school handing out invitations on parents behalf in cases where not all children are invited.

There won't always be other parties for some of the children.

Currently my child who has autism gets invited to parties where the whole class is invited - but I have a feeling that in a year or two when children form their own little groups of friends he will be on the outside and not be invited to any parties.

He has weak social skills but really wants friends. My heart breaks thinking about what he will have to deal with. It's not fair really. I think people should be discreet and sensitive if not inviting a child - but ideally people should try to be inclusive and kind.

My younger DS is very sociable and popular - I would never let him leave a child out - he can afford to show kindness to others .

pride often comes before a fall they are only 8! I loathe that expression. Children should celebrate their achievements

But 8 is plenty old enough to understand they are being an arse and rude to other children. It is not out of the ordinary and quite common for 8 year olds to say nasty things but they have to be told.

yes children should celebrate their achievements. Extra pocket from mum and dad, a treat, a nice day for getting top marks.

Celebrating their achievements should not mean tolerating big headedness and belittling other children. That is what he needs to learn.

Adults struggle with it fgs.

maybe so. But again there is a huge difference between adults who have done their school and their uni and there whatever else.

There is a difference between and adult who became top in their profession and had the ability to do it as they wont lose that ability.

8 year olds....you dont know where they will be at 18. Top of the class at 8 doesnt always stay there and same with bottom of the class.

I would never let my child invite all the kids bar 1 from their class! I think that's extraordinarily cruel for both the child and probably moreso the child's parent! It's awful of you think your child is being left out and I wouldn't let me child do it. I ask the teacher if I've missed anyone out of unsure

Well said NoMud. I teach DD about boundaries and empathy. She understands that often people are mean because they're sad or because they're not grown up. And she understands the concept of children in adult bodies - long story and is to do with my narcissistic bullying mother, she's almost 8. A couple of years ago, she was bullied by a parent through her child. Up until that moment, DD and this girl had been inseparable. It was a pretty awful time and DD was specifically excluded from the child's birthday party. I've forgiven the parent even though DD was 5 at the time. Although DD and this child have patched up their friendship, it will never be the same. That's fine, children generally end up being like their parents so I think DD would have been given a hard time somewhere along the line by this child so better earlier than later. With my guidance, this experience has taught DD to be stronger, to believe in herself and have a wider friendship group. I was heavily bullied when I was at school but I don't think DD will be and that is partly because of this experience. I am bringing her up to be tolerant of others. And when someone is/does something strange or, which we disagree about, I do my very best not to judge but to accept. Obviously if it involved cutting off another girls hair or something equally awful, we would discuss the situation. But I would never encourage my DD to get involved in bullying or excluding that child because of their actions. DD thought very hard about whether to invite this girl when her party came along and she decided to do so, this is bearing in mind that the girl refused to play with DD for around 6 months and actively encouraged others not to play with DD at school. DD is the better person for it. So no, I would not specifically exclude one child from a class, I would find another way because in my experience, the bully is often a victim being instructed to do something or lashing out because of their pain.

I've been reading this thread with interest and I can see both sides really.

I agree with nancy in that a child-that-exhibits-bullying-behaviour (to avoid the inflammatory name of 'bully' here), shouldn't be invited to a child who doesn't want them there's party. Why would anybody do that? It teaches the 'bully' nothing yet tells your child everything they need to know about their own self-worth.

I kind of agree with maryz in that it's not a particularly nice thing to do and that - if it happened enough - it could be properly construed as bullying, BUT:

In a class of 30, a single child will maybe have ONE party per year for their birthday. A 'bully' may be excluded from ONE single party even if everybody else is going IF they are not bullying other children. If they are rotten to half the class then that is still 14 parties per year that they may be attending anyway. If they are horrid to everybody then there will be NO party invites and perhaps the mother of the unfortunate non-attending any party child might prick up her ears and take a bit of notice.

Big-headedness isn't bullying, no, but it's a deplorable trait in adults and it needs to be stamped out in childhood because it does damage. OP seems very aware and is obviously taking steps to check this behaviour so KUDOS to you, Winterdaisy