Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

I think Maryz length of service is irrelevant

She's not come across as being particularly understanding on this thread, whatever her 'length of service'. I'm still shocked at the 'have a smaller party' comment. I must live on a different planet and I've been here years although I change my name regularly. Yet again, we have the comments trying to defend a long standing poster simply because they don't change their username. note to self don't name change and you get more credibility on the forum

Slightly ironic that you nancy are saying listen to a member purely because they are established.

Duck, that's not actually what I said is it?
I said I have seen her about for years and I know she's not a nasty poster - just because someone disagrees with me doesn't make her bad.
On this particular subject it doesn't look like Maryz & I will agree but that's ok, I don't want to slag her off because of it.

Sorry Maryz I still can't agree that not inviting is the same as bullying.
If DD says she wants a certain party I organise it because it's what she wants, I'm not planning a party just so I can not invite a child, it just so happens that she won't be invited because she would ruin it for DD.
The other child is not part of my thought process when planning anything.

But do agree with not calling each other names

All this utter shit about "whole class" parties is precisely why I'm glad that such utter nonsense didn't exist when my two kids were at school.

They are adults now by the way but every birthday they got told "you can invite 5/6 friends for tea and games".

And we held the tea at our house - so I could monitor proceedings.

And Maryz - you are well respected here.

I've read many a post of yours and wished I'd known you when my 30 something DC were teenagers...

Excluding 1 person, in a group, from an activity without a legitimate reason is defined as bullying.
This happened to my 5 year old and was justified by the mum because 'they have to learn these life lessons sometime'. I view her with pure contempt now. No point even debating with people who want 5 year olds to experience exclusion.

Teatime - what would you say is a legitimate reason?

Nancy75 - good question. Probably a case by case thing. I think the reason for my 5 yr old was cries loudly when hurt, popular otherwise.
Just catching up with rest if thread but whatever reason it should not be clandestine. If a kid is to be excluded the person excluding them should be up front and explain why. If it's serious enough to take such action it should be justified but the responsible adult (no I don't think blaming a child under 10 yrs old for their invite list is acceptable).

As for inviting a bully to party - been there and done that (with OK from my DC). It was very useful to I could see behaviour for myself and see child was basically copying one of their parents. Poor kid.

Hi,
Just to clarify yes we all have a class list of names we all know who is in class, I'm really surprised others don't.
The party was all the boys only my son and one other boy who never attends birthday party's for religious reasons were the only ones not there.
My DS is not actually a bully the birthday boy was his friend to the extent he wanted to invite him to a sleepover last week BUT he does notice who is good and bad at school and I fear he may have said something unexceptable. He understands bullying is bad but still will point out such things as reading level or not knowing times tables etc. not a nice habit!!! All the children are very aware of class ranking they sit in groups for each subject set on ability and are tested regularly so although not told they still know.
My husband thinks it most likely that invite just lost / forgotton or on day they were handed out boys fell out/ DS upset b day boy.
I will catch up with teacher this week to find out what is happening in class.
Thank you for comments it does help to hear others views.

Should also point out we also have a list of all parents email and phone numbers and I certainly have not had any just in case lost bob is having a party type email, which is common practice at school. This is why I am worried about it being an active exclusion.

How old is your son? Sorry if I offended by mentioning bullying. I admit I only skin read posts. I agree with you that it really is not on to exclude 1 child from a celebration. In my view it is adults (parents) bullying another person's child. Not OK.

*skim not skin

Regardless of how full of himself the OP's son is, to invite every single boy except one to a party is awful.

Yes, the child has the right to say "I don't want X to come" but the parent, any DECENT parent would see that this was the only boy excluded and either insist they came OR choose a smaller party with only a group of special friends.

NO WAY would I exclude one child from my DDs class! Even the meanest would be asked if she wanted all the girls.

Say what you like...its disgusting to do otherwise.

Winter I also think it's highly likely the invitation was lost or left behind. Both of my DDs aged 8 and 11 have done this in the past.

I once got the cold shoulder for a week from a Mother who thought I'd not bothered to respond to an invitation to a small party at the child's home...she eventually stalked up to me and asked "So can X come to Z's party tomorrow or not!?

And I was open mouthed as no invitation had been recieved.

A quick look in the classroom and we found it in DDs drawer where she'd put it and forgotten about it.

Matt it is do good to hear another parent say that!!!! I completely agree.

Almost all party invites in our SMALL class get sent out secretly so 'the ones not invited don't get upset'. So when the ONE not invited finds out by others talking about it, it's devastating.When I challenged this I was treated like a an oddity. It really felt like I was only one who sees it as adults teaching their kids it's ok to bully.

They are 8

Storm, I am still gobsmacked about the uninvited twins, unbelievably unkind as well as downright rude, not surprised it still rankles 7 years later.

Teatime how do they send them out secretly? In DDs school, until the kids got to about 6, they were placed in bookbags by the teacher...then it seemed that most kids liked handing them out in the playground in the morning as everyone arrived.

Luckily I never saw many incidents where kids were left out...only from very small parties where the child had been allowed say 3 or 4 mates...then SOME kids might feel a tad miffed but they'd never be the only ones not invited...I never saw any whole class parties with one person left out ever!

I agree with Nancy75, there is no way I would force my child to invite someone who was making her life miserable.

I too allowed my DD to exclude a girl from her birthday party, she was the only one of the girls not invited, she had been bullying her for most of the school year. For a week before the party, the bully was making huge efforts with my DD and asking to be invited, trying to get other kids to convince my DD. I was so proud of DD for not falling for it and it really helped her regain some control, I also hope that little brat learned a valuable lesson.