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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd just told me..

191 replies

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:45

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now. Confused

OP posts:
Coconutty · 19/04/2016 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 19/04/2016 20:48

Go to the school, they will help her to tell her mum! This needs doing as soon as possible to allow more options!

IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 19/04/2016 20:50

Her mum needs to know asap. Either you can get the daughter to tell her, if not you have to let her know you will tell her, or school tell her. Either way her parents should know asap to be able to support their daughter in any decisions re the pregnancy.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 19/04/2016 20:50

The pregnant friend has confided in her mate (your dd). It is not your place to do/say anything to her mum. The friend needs to do that in her own time, when she is ready.

The most important thing you can do is talk with your dd and reassure her that if she found herself pregnant that you would be there to support her (whilst having a chat about contraception and that pregnancy at this age has implications on education etc).

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 19/04/2016 20:50

Get the school involved.
They will then frame it as 'a teacher noticed...' so that your DD is not implicated.
You need to do this to take the burden off your DD who will be relived that it has come out, and not thru her, but thru a teacher noticing.

Afreshstartplease · 19/04/2016 20:51

Agree go to the school

JuxtapositionRecords · 19/04/2016 20:54

Do you know how pregnant she is? Could your DD tell her friend she has told you and see if she wants to talk to you?

Cutecat78 · 19/04/2016 20:54

Would phone BPAS. They have a service ESP tailored for young people, will go through her options with her and help her tell her mum.

BackInTheRealWorld · 19/04/2016 20:54

I wouldn't rush into anything or pressure your daughter into anything at this time. Tbh the thing I would hate to lose is the fact my daughter is able to confide in me about something so big and worrying to her. You don't want to lose that.
This girl will still be pregnant tomorrow...and the next day.
You have time to help and support your daughter to come to the right decision rather than blowing her trust or forcing her into doing something she is not yet ready to do. The more wise support you can give your daughter the more wise support she can give her friend.

VestalVirgin · 19/04/2016 20:54

But ... it will come out anyway? Unless she plans to have an abortion. Which she will have to do soon.

Maybe your daughter's friend has a good reason why she doesn't want her mother to know. She knows her mother better than you do. Not all mothers are on mumsnet and try to be reasonable.

Offer your support for if she wants to have an abortion? (Are girls allowed to have abortions without their parents' consent? They should, but there are lots of stupid laws ...)

LIZS · 19/04/2016 20:55

Yes you need to be careful that your dd can keep the confidence if her friend. If she were to feel betrayed it could mean she has no one left to confide in and in turn your dd may blame you. I would hope the school could be discreet, is there a head of pastoral care? Is your dd sure? Could she persuade friend to go to a member of staff herself?

peggyundercrackers · 19/04/2016 20:55

I agree with chocolatebiscuit it's nothing to do with you - you shouldn't get involved in this other persons pregnancy. Best thing you can do is talk to your DD and support her.

Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 20:58

Her mother needs telling ASAP.

Go to the school and speak privately to pastoral care or who ever it is these days.

That girl needs attention. This isn't a time for pondering. Im speaking as a woman who was 15 when I was pregnant with dd1 - still a child myself.

Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:59

I've already reassured dd that I would want to know, and that whilst I might initially be shocked/angry/upset it would devastate me to think she couldn't or wouldn't tell me. She is a sensible girl, and I would hope that she will feed that back to her friend.
The thing is chocolate, if her mum doesn't find out and she makes any decisions by herself, they are life long.
Can't be undone, and if she makes them never knowing what her mum would have said there could be regrets later on. Of course depending on her decision, her mum may very well find out anyway.
Good call to go to the school, can leave my daughter out of it. I will speak to her (friend) this week and judge wether she can be persuaded into speaking to her mum. If not I won't push it, but will discreetly but quickly ensure the school can deal with it. And of course will get a pregnancy test for her to be sure before blowing it all up.

OP posts:
Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 21:01

Time really is of importance here, so that the girl has the opportunity to consider all her options before time runs out.

Really surprised at some posters basically saying to look the other way.

daisywhoopsie · 19/04/2016 21:02

Completely agree with chocolate.

VestalVirgin · 19/04/2016 21:05

You need to make sure that her mother (and father, too) is an averagely reasonable person before you tell anyone.

There could well be a good reason she hasn't told her parents.

MummaV · 19/04/2016 21:06

I was in your Dds shoes when I was in school and a friend of mine was pregnant. I didn't tell my mum, but I did tell my favourite teacher who then spoke to my friend and spoke with her parents as a sort of mediator as her parents had incredibly short tempers. She planned to keep the baby but miscarried at 11 weeks.

Her parents need to know. If she won't tell them and you want to keep the confidence you've been given, the school is a good way forward.

Looly71 · 19/04/2016 21:06

I too was pregnant at 15. I told my mum myself but it was such a relief when it was all out in the open. She's 29 now and wonderful x

peggyundercrackers · 19/04/2016 21:06

Even though you leave your DD out when going to school friend will still blame her for it getting out if she hasn't told anyone else

lorelei9here · 19/04/2016 21:08

Bloody hell, don't tell her parents or the school! She could be sorting an abortion as I type!

BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 21:11

DO NOT TELL HER MOTHER. Even if they seem like a lovely family to you, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Plus the girl is entitled to medical confidentiality so could potentially go through with an abortion without telling her parents and has a right to do so if she wishes.

There's no guarantee that whatever decisions she makes would necessarily be better given the involvement of her parents.

At the most, speak to school. But do NOT tell her family, it is not your right to make that decision.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 19/04/2016 21:11

I'd go to the school. There's some stuff that's in confidence and other stuff that has a major impact and really needs someone to know.

Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 21:11

As far as I know, only the mum on the scene. Dd said things can get fraught between them when arguing. But. A 15 year old a view of what is fair isn't always the most reliable.
I am not sure how I would feel in the mums shoes to find out that another mum had known and kept it from me. I would half be mad and half be grateful that she hasn't been alone.
The school will have at least had some interactions with the mum over the years so will be better placed to make that judgement call I think.
It may be that after a chat she feels she will tell her mum, especially if she knows she has a bolt hole for a few days. It is seemingly early days in the pregnancy, but that is relative to the decision really I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 21:13

Another concern for me is to see what she has to say about the father. If he is older then it would also need to come out for other reasons. Ending the pregnancy wouldn't change her being in that situation.
It is very confusing. I also agree with the posters saying she is entitled to privacy and it's not my place. Can't really make a decision one way or another without a fade to face conversation with friend.

OP posts:
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