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AIBU?

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Original poster

dd just told me..

191 replies

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:45

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now. Confused

OP posts:
madein1995 · 19/04/2016 21:31

Also don't underestimate a teenager's ability to stick their head in the sand and pretend the problem doesn't exist. I know a 14 year old girl who is 5 months pregnant and her parents only just found out because her clothes were getting a bit tight. It's too late for an abortion now, and the family have little time to get anything sorted. I know there's some 15 year olds who would take themselves to the doctors and arrange a termination and be very sensible, or would be sensible and tell their parents at a better time. But there's plenty more who are convinced they are the only girl ever to have gone through this, who are terrified of their parents finding out and being angry, who are terrified of the whole thing and don't want their life to change, who are terrified full stop and as a result pretend that it's not happening. Then their families will probably find out when it is too late to have a lot of options open to them, and it will be a rush getting things sorted.

At the end of the day OP, this isn't a game of moral right or wrongs. The girl is under the age of 16. She is a child, not an adult. Her parents have to be informed. For heaven's sake, parents are inolved in the choosing of GCSE options nowadays so if she's not able to make that decision alone then how can she make such a life altering decision alone? Tell her parents. Or if you can't do that, tell the school or encourage the girl to tell a teacher. The school will have an obligation to tell the parents. Quite right too, I think.

FelicityR313 · 19/04/2016 21:33

I would bring the friend to a GP or something. Or a school nurse or counsellor.

The girl obviously has a lot of fear in disclosing this. Her fears may be merited or unmerited!

If her own mother is a single mother though, she probably is the best placed person to talk to her daughter about this. Depending on how she became a single mother though I guess. There is urgency here obviously.

Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 21:34

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Mistigri · 19/04/2016 21:35

I would do as lulu suggests above and speak directly to a medical professional associated with the school.

A medical professional has to respect confidentiality - both yours, and the girl's. It's the most appropriate way of letting another adult know without breaching trust.

I would absolutely not go direct to a teacher (there are some frankly weird attitudes towards young girls and sexuality in English schools these days) or to the parents, particularly as you don't know them.

EverySongbirdSays · 19/04/2016 21:37

If it was my child I would wonder why the hell I hadn't been told and why the other parent thought it was OK to conceal it from me.

In your shoes I would tell unless I had reason to believe the girl would be in harms way for my having done so.

ghostyslovesheep · 19/04/2016 21:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 21:38

She's in year 10 ghosty...not aged 10.

purplemoonlight · 19/04/2016 21:38

No, ghosty, she is in year 10 - 15 years old so still under the age of consent of course but a fair way from 10.

ghostyslovesheep · 19/04/2016 21:39

haha oh fuck ignore me Hmm

I read that as 11 and 10 not yr 11 and 10

year 10 I'd be sharing it with the school - they can work with her to support her to tell her mum or to explore her options - poor kid xxx

And your daughter did good to confide in you - she obviously trusts you

SquidgeyMidgey · 19/04/2016 21:40

Ghost, she's year 10 so 14/15, still under she though.

OP I would go something. It will come out that you knew, how will the girl's mum react then? Rock and a hard place but the sooner it's gone the more options there are.

SquidgeyMidgey · 19/04/2016 21:40

Sooner it's done not gone

BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 21:44

In that case clouds, I'm really shocked that you would advise telling her mother.

There doesn't need to be indications all is not well for all not to be well (although I'd say her reluctance to tell her mother may be one in itself). Plenty of families where terrible things are going on appear to be fine to outsiders. The OP can't just assume that in the absence of hard evidence otherwise that this girl comes from a supportive family who will be constructive help.

incywincybitofa · 19/04/2016 21:45

Why did your daughter tell you? What did she want from you, to unburden herself, to ask for help for her friend, or to get you to do what you think was right? Do your DD discuss who the father was or might be, because the truth is it may not be an irresponsible boyfriend it could be a more sinister figure.

At the end of the day, you are the adult and have to make the right decision for your child, and the responsible decision for her friend, but not at the expense of your relationship with your child.

If you are worried then I would suggest you go to the head of pastoral care at your school, and talk to them in confidence without bringing your daughter into it, you can say you have noticed or overheard girls talking, the school can then find a way of talking to the girl, and helping her face her parents.

If you aren't worried, I would follow your daughter's lead, but explain that pregnancy does carry small risks and bigger ones and her friend needs medical help and advice whatever she decides.

lalalalyra · 19/04/2016 21:46

Please do not tell her mother without speaking to the girl first. There may be very, very good reasons why she hasn't told her Mum yet. Did your DD mention the father at all?

If you feel you can then maybe speak to the girl, have her round one night for tea or whatever and have a chat to her, you might get the jist of why she hasn't told anyone, there's quite a difference in a situation where she found out yesterday and hasn't plucked up the courage to speak to her Mum yet and if she's quite far along and has concealed the pregnancy for whatever reason.

I'd encourage her to speak to the school or a doctor if she adamantly won't tell her Mum. Only after you'd spoken to her would I make a decision about going against her wishes and telling someone - and it wouldn't be her Mum.

And no-one can truly say how they'd react if another Mum helped their DD out when she couldn't confide in you for whatever reason. I think I'd be really annoyed with the other Mum, but also at the same time I'd be gutted that, for whatever reason, my DD didn't think she could speak to me. For some kids the reasons the parent isn't the person they confide in are very good.

purplemoonlight · 19/04/2016 21:46

I have thought about this OP and I feel the best thing to do would be to provide the girl with details of people who can help, assuming she doesn't already know.

My parents are lovely, lovely people in their own way, but very anti-abortion and certainly wouldn't have condoned me ending a pregnancy in this way (well my mum definitely not - not sure about my dad.)

I was a little older than this girl (at university) but I had a 'slip up' with a university boyfriend and I will admit it was carelessness (took the MAP but it didn't work.)

I know if I'd told my parents they wouldn't have outright forbidden me to terminate but the pressure and the feeling of disappointment and the sadness would have meant I'd be a Mum now. And believe me that would be one unhappy 14 year old now because I was not ready to parent.

I realise that's slightly different in that I was 18, this girl is 15 but I'm not sure that three years makes such a massive difference in this case. I can understand wanting to keep such a thing private, even if you love your mum and have a good relationship.

With mine, I loved her and she me but oh, she was a funny one and it would always be between us, the shame, the guilt, the sense of letting her/the family down. She wasn't abusive AT ALL. It isn't a sinister reason sometimes and I am explaining this badly but the point is, when I found myself in a comparable situation I needed to make the decision myself without my dads disappointment or my mums guilt trip.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 21:47

If you aren't worried, I would follow your daughter's lead, but explain that pregnancy does carry small risks and bigger ones and her friend needs medical help and advice whatever she decides.
How can you not be worried about a pregnant 15yead old who hasn't told an adult?

TattyCat · 19/04/2016 21:47

This might sound awful, but Op are you sure that it's not your daughter who is pregnant and is sounding you out to see what your reaction is? I only ask because it's probably what I would have done in that situation (I wasn't but regardless...). Teenage minds work in mysterious ways...

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 21:47

This happened in my ds's year a few years back - there was much discussion/ coffee mornings trying to work out what to do (I didn't know the girl but a friend of mine did). I said to hang back and don't get involved, it's up to the girl and we don't know the situation/family background.
It turned out to be a false alarm, the conclusion was that the girl made it up cos the boyfriend had dumped her and she wanted him back and also maybe a bit of attention seeking. I'd say just don't get involved. At the very most approach the girl yourself and encourage her to talk to her mum. i think getting involved are the actions of a busybody and the girl may want to go and take the abortion pill and forget about it, it's really not up to anyone to judge her or decide to tell her parents.

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 21:49

And to go to the school would be absolutely bonkers by the way!

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 21:50

And to go to the school would be absolutely bonkers by the way!
Why's that?

Capricorn76 · 19/04/2016 21:50

Tell the school and let them deal with it. You need to help unburden your DD. It would be terrible if her GCSE prep was ruined because of this silly girl. Harsh I know but that's how I'd feel about it if I were in this situation.

CwtchMeQuick · 19/04/2016 21:50

Please don't tell her mom.

I was slightly older when I got pregnant (17), I did tell my mother and she was awful to me. If you tell her mom she might stop confiding in your DD, and your DD may stop confiding in you. If you can, I think you should have a chat with her and encourage her to talk to her parents or the school about her options. And then speak to the school about it if you still think she's not going to tell anyone.

Obviously someone needs to know, but making her feel she can't trust you or your DD could cause bigger problems down the line imo.

TattyCat · 19/04/2016 21:51

And I would speak to your daughter's friend and let her know that you will be there to support her in whatever way she needs. Whether that's telling her mum on her behalf or just being there as a caring adult. She will need some guidance, whatever she decides to do. You've been put in a very difficult position but not of your doing, so if her mum is then angry, so be it - not your fault.

incywincybitofa · 19/04/2016 21:52

Purple I meant if she isn't worried that the girl has other troubles as well, of course she is worried that is why she is posting, but if she doesn't feel it is urgent enough to pull out all the stops now because then the girl needs to know she has to face up to the realities of being pregnant.

mineofuselessinformation · 19/04/2016 21:53

In your shoes, I wouldn't speak to the girl or her mum, but let the school know.
Teenage girls can be very good at concealing a pregnancy until quite late. Ultimately, whatever her mother thinks, it's the teenager's choice - and you could open up a whole can of worms telling her mum.