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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd just told me..

191 replies

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:45

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now. Confused

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 19/04/2016 22:33

I don't understand why people tell school things nowadays - I only see it as a place to go and learn - they have no place in family life IMO. Yes they may have access to specialist support etc. But if the girl wanted that support she can get it without involving school

supermariossister · 19/04/2016 22:34

I think continue supporting your daughter and the offer is there for her friend to talk to you/ for you to help if you can. I have been this girl - 16, pregnant absolutely terrified and didn't dare tell my mum as she was in and out of hospital having cancer treatment it is frightening and I honestly was the "stick my head in the sand" girl who concealed my pregnancy until 26 weeks, 10 years on I am furious with my teenage self anything could have happened to either of us but at the time I couldn't process everything that was going on and I would of appreciated knowing someone was there who wasn't going to issue ultimatum and threats or who could have helped me speak to my parents.

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 22:36

elsa that's awful Flowers
You are exactly right, no one knows this girls story or background and to go to the school or her mother without her consent could be the worst thing to do.

titchy · 19/04/2016 22:36

Salford ALL pregnancies need dealing with professionally regardless of what the mother wants. What a ridiculous thing to say. Or are you an advocate of the 'ignore it and give birth in the toilet' way of dealing with a pregnancy?

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 22:38

So right peggy it really pisses me off. So self-righteous to assume they should play a part in it, they have no clue about these kids lives.

titchy · 19/04/2016 22:39

Peggy it's often difficult for adults to know where to seek help. Nigh on impossible for a kid. Schools can and will signpost appropriately, without informing the parents of the girl doesn't want that. They're not like they were years ago. They have dedicated pastoral staff these days whose sole job is to look after the emotional needs of the students.

Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 22:41

Thanks all Thanks
No intention of issuing any ultimatums, they won't do anyone any good. I will see how the conversation goes and take it from there. I am very proud of dd who has taken on board all views, and has avoided the omg you can't tell anyone route!
She is going to tell her friend she has told me. Apparently she has already sold me to her friend as someone who will not judge and be supportive. Was very nice to hear. Thanks dd if you are still reading!!

OP posts:
titchy · 19/04/2016 22:41

If the OP is happy to take this on and act as the responsible adult then great she can bypass both school and parent. But she may well feel out of her depth, and if so school can and will step in.

Ignoring it is just awful.

memyselfandaye · 19/04/2016 22:42

Is she actually pregnant? Or could she just have an unpredictable cycle, had sex and assumed shes pregnant?

Has she done a test?

Superwitchy · 19/04/2016 22:42

Many Flowers elsa

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 22:43

No titchy I am assuming that if the girl isn't telling anyone she doesn't want to have the baby. A quick trip to family planning and a pill will sort it out for her if that is what she chooses without getting every Tom, dick and Harry involved.
Everyone is assuming the worst case scenario. Maybe she got caught, told her friend in confidence and is fully capable of sorting it out by herself. Do u think she would thank her friends mum telling her family and school if this was the case?

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 22:43

So right peggy it really pisses me off. So self-righteous to assume they should play a part in it, they have no clue about these kids lives.

We know nothing about the circumstances of this girl's pregnancy. We know her boyfriend is 17-we dobt know if he's pressurised her into sex, we don't know if he's pressurising her into an abortion or trying to convince her to keep the baby. She is vulnerable fifteen year old girl. School can help her access confidential support to make a decision that is right for her. I'm not advocating telling the girl's parents, but she needs someone trained to help her in her corner, even if she doesn't realise it. Sometimes doing the right thing for someone means doing something they don't want you to do.

Pipbin · 19/04/2016 22:44

How lovely that DD sees you like that!

I would speak to the school, this won't be the first time this has happened. Also they will know the parents and will know how to handle it.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 22:48

Missed your update op. If you're happy to be the responsible adult who makes sure the girl sees a doctor it's fair enough not to involve the school or the parents. That absolutely has to happen though, and if you don't feel able to be responsible for that (which would be fair enough), make sure someone appropriate knows (school nurse, child protection person etc).

Blu · 19/04/2016 22:48

Encourage her to talk, ASAP, to the BPAS young persons service.

The experts in helping teen girls decide what to do. Empower her to make her own decisions.

Mama1980 · 19/04/2016 22:48

What a difficult situation. I would say tread very carefully, do not tell anyone, check she is pregnant and then encourage her to see a dr ASAP for advice. But do not break her confidence.
My close friend fell pregnant at just 15 I was the same age and a grown up she and i went to for help told her parents, the ensuing fallout is the stuff of nightmares, without going into too much detail my friend was kicked out, fought to keep her baby but ultimately lurched from man to man, drug to drug....you get the picture.
Please don't assume her parents will be understanding, hopefully they will be, and she will have then all the support she needs. But Until you have a better idea of what's happening or what situation the friend feels she is in, i.e. Is it from her the usual oh god mums gonna kill me but I'll feel better if I cry it all out in her arms, or real honest fear, please don't go straight to her mum.

scarlets · 19/04/2016 22:52

You've obviously done a pretty good job of raising your own daughter so I'm sure you're well-equipped to do the right thing (whatever that may be) when you've spoken to the girl. Hopefully it'll be a false alarm. Poor kid.

Blu · 19/04/2016 22:53

Sorry, Brook, not BPAS, though both have specialist services for young / teen women.

They will offer counselling, support for decision making, confidentiality, advice over options , etc etc.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 19/04/2016 22:55

Thanks for the flowers.

I don't mean to bring it back to my situation again, I understand my case is extreme, but the school didn't haveto tell my mother, they just told her informally.

Well meaning adults, and I believe they were well meaning, took it upon themselves to do what they thought was right, but got it so, so wrong.

Had I been asked or even listened to things would have been so different for me, but everyone thought they knew better.

That all lead on to my abuse being hidden for more years then me getting married stupidly young to another abusive man because I knew no better.

Op I wish I had someone like you around for support back then, you sound lovely.

Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 23:01

Thanks elsa Thanks
So sorry for all you've been through.

I will try and do the right thing by all concerned, but will certainly be easier with the nest of vipers to offer advice, opinions and experience!
My experience with the pastoral care at school hasn't been great to be honest, so I'm glad that as the thread has gone on other options have come forward.
Once the test is done and friend is feeling comfortable she can have free reign over the phone and Internet with all the privacy she needs. Right now it need not be anything other than a bog standard sleepover.
She may well come to her own decision if given the resources freedom and privacy to do so.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 23:03

BPAS are very abortion oriented, and we don't know this is what the girl wants.

ghostyslovesheep · 19/04/2016 23:07

when I worked for rape crisis we used BPAS a lot - they are very even and balanced in my experience

lorelei9here · 19/04/2016 23:08

OP you sound lovely.

Elsa, your point about well meaning adults is so true.

Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 23:10

Really bill? Any resources that are known as more neutral? Gp would require an appointment so I would like to point her towards something she can access pretty much immediately.
Luckily I have no opinion either way in this situation. Might feel differently if it was my dd that was pregnant at this age, hopefully won't have to find out. As it is, I want her to have all the info for all the options. No agenda.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 23:16

The second one mentioned, Brook, is less geared towards abortion but is still family planning based. So more about contraception/abortion than other options. What you could do is offer her a choice of options though, so Brook/BPAS for the option of ending the pregnancy, and if she's thinking the other way, there is an organisation called Gingerbread who support single parents including young Mums who have a helpline.

mobile.gingerbread.org.uk/default.aspx#bmb=1

That way, whichever she is thinking of doing she'll have an option for advice.