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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dd just told me..

191 replies

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:45

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now.

OP posts:

Eiram49 · 20/04/2016 12:24

Clearly that should have read how best to support young person

Original poster

dilemmaforme · 20/04/2016 13:05

Dd is talking to her bf today so I should know later how she wants to proceed once she knows I know.

The std tests will be as standard I assume once medical advice is sought one way or another. But thanks for the post clouds, it is as snippy in tone as all your others.
Everyone else on the thread has come and given balanced views, many differing, however all delivered with an understanding of my predicament and how volatile it could potentially be. Yours, not so much

OP posts:

Mmest75 · 20/04/2016 14:48

OMG - 10 though?!
What has happened to the world, I was still playing with Barbie at 10.
It's really very sad. You are in an impossible situation ... I suppose you have to hope the girl does have a good relationship with her parents and decides to confide. Unf she is far too young to understand in any way what the possible consequences could be - and let's be honest non have a good outcome. That would be up there with the youngest pregnancy in the UK surely.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 20/04/2016 15:00

She's year 10 which is about 15 years old.

mrsdoughnut · 20/04/2016 15:05

OP I don't envy you. What a situation.

I wouldn't speak or do anything until she has her pregnancy confirmed. Could your DD go to the doctors with her friend and get it confirmed and then the girls GP can make any arrangements for her depending on which route the girl wants to go down. How far along is she?

Lanark2 · 20/04/2016 15:09

Its a really tough one this, and sounds like all the good advice has been given. Just please tell your daughter to make sure she goes nowhere near 'Life' for 'abortion advice' they are evil.

dowhatnow · 20/04/2016 15:15

difficult one. Can you offer to be with her when she tells her mum?

Mmest75 · 20/04/2016 15:16

DOH!!!! trying to speed read unsuccessfully ....
Thought it was odd noons else mentioned X

sianihedgehog · 20/04/2016 15:28

OP it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing. If this girl doesn't feel like she can talk to her own mum, the very best thing you can do is offer to talk to her yourself, in confidence. My mum did something similar for a friend when I was about that age, and it still stands out to me as one of the ways she really succeeded in setting a good example for me.

dansmum · 20/04/2016 16:58

Talk to your daughter. Reassure her she has done the right thing by sharing it with you. Tell her she isn't responsible for any of it, or keeping the friends secret. If she wants to help her and needs your help to do that, could you use some computer time to find out what help is out there, and what the local NHS services are in your area, make phone calls to make enquiries that your daughter or friend cant bring themselves to do? Put it all together . hand the envelope to your daughter, invite the girl over for tea..then go off somewhere else in the house and stay out of the way. Let the teen be informed. Like other mums have said, you dont know the parents or medical history of the girl. She will have to make decisions eventually. All you have done is get the local provision. If it were my daughter, I'd be grateful she'd had timely access to local information.
A lot can happen in the early weeks of a teen pregnancy too, so keep your involvement minimal. If the child wants more advice, she will have to choose someone to confide in. It isnt your or your daughters responsibility to tell anyone.

Hulababy · 20/04/2016 17:18

Will the girl speak to you?
I
f yes, then do so asap but tell her that you cannot keep this a secret and that you can help her to either (a) tell her parents, (b) tell her GP and (c) tell her teacher. Ask her which she prefers.

If no or she won't choose, I would speak to school - they should have a head of pastoral or similar.

A teacher will not be allowed to keep it secret - and will tell the girl that also.

It may be a safeguarding issue so I couldn't stand back and do nothing.
It also isn't fair on your DD to be trying to deal with this alone - it may well be stressing her out at a time when she needs to be focusing on her own exams.

Hulababy · 20/04/2016 17:22

2p - that is not true. The school DO NOT have to tell anyone who has passed on the information, and infect should not do so at all without express permission of the person doing the informing. Many schools do have an anonymous box for passing on safeguarding and sensitive information.

The school should not tell the parents immediately either - they should talk to the girl and see how she wants to proceed. As she is under the age of consent it may well be an other agency entirely, if she doesn't want parents telling.

Debmeister4 · 20/04/2016 17:40

A really tough situation OP, but you sound very sensible. Just a thought- the friend may be keeping it quiet to protect the father - isn't sex with a 15 year old a criminal offence whatever age he is?

kyph09 · 20/04/2016 17:51

She's either 14 or 15 - therefore a child!!! You need to inform the safeguarding lead of the school or find out if there's a school nursing service.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2016 18:15

A Frazier competant 15yo young person is entitled to obtain medical advice and treatment without her parents or school being aware.

The young person may not want her school to know and she is entitled to make that choice, I would help her access an appropreate medical professional.

Op if she used a cheapy test it's no less likely to be reliable than one of those expensive CB digi ones IME its more likely to be reliable if done early

caramac04 · 20/04/2016 19:38

First baby I delivered as a student midwife was to a 14 year old girl who had concealed her pregnancy and had had one midwives appointment. Family had rallied round in the 3 days they knew. Mum and baby were fine. 15yr old father was shaken but coped. I often wonder how their lives panned out. Thing is, parents are mostly supportive but any decision is massive for one so young. I'd be inclined to speak to Head of Year or Pastoral Manager. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Good luck.

PacificDogwod · 20/04/2016 21:03

I've been thinking of you today and hope that your DD's conversation with her friend went ok.

For the record, when I suggest to put a time limit on the proposed offer to support your DD's friend, I did not mean a 'Spill, or else' approach, but more making it clear that time was of the essence and that she had to do something.

Anyhow, IME v young people make good and bad parents, just like parents of middling age or older parents. Equally, the decision to terminate a pregnancy is made by v young, middling and older women - it's all about what's right for the individual.

Whether this young girl ends up confiding in you and choses to accept your support or not, I think you sound like you have a very compassionate head well screwed on - your DD is lucky to have you

RaqsMax · 20/04/2016 21:46

This is a safeguarding issue. You have an absolute obligation to let the school know immediately (they will have a trained Safeguarding Officer) who will talk to the girl and carry it forward. The Police will need to be involved, but the school will deal with this.

You do not mention how the 11-year old girl was able to get pregnant and if you know who the father is? What were the circumstances that allowed this to happen? When a girl that young gets pregnant it is often due to abuse by a family member. You have no idea of what may be going on; your first responsibility is to that little girl and making sure that she is safe.

I would go down to the school first thing tomorrow, 09.00am and tell them its a Safeguarding issue. They will respond immediately, as they are required to by law. As are you....

Make sure that you tell your daughter that she did absolutely the right thing in telling you and that she has been a good friend.

Constantlyamazed · 20/04/2016 21:52

If you speak to anyone, be aware of unexpected consequences. Someone I know told me their mum had an unplanned pregnancy in their late teens, her father found out (I don't know how), was so angry he got on a plane to go and see the boy's father (in another country) and kicked up almighty stink. As a result the boy leaves this country and gets married very quickly afterwards to someone in his home town. The girl considers abortion and adoption but rules out both. Her daughter eventually meets her father when she is 26. He regrets having left the country and tells her if it hadn't been for all the external pressure, they might have worked things out and certainly he wouldn't have left the country. Slightly different situation but I agree with others you need to respect the girl's privacy. You could be putting her or the father in danger if you breach this confidence.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2016 22:08

You do not mention how the 11-year old girl was able to get pregnant and if you know who the father is?

She is not 11, she is in year 10 in secondary school so about 15.

Blu · 20/04/2016 22:38

Oh, FGS, Raqs, read the OP properly and RTFT.

happydollplease · 20/04/2016 22:53

I don't envy your position but you sound really lovely and I am sure you will do whatever you think is best.

I definitely lean towards the don't say anything side. Just from personal experience, I concealed my pregnancy for 25 weeks, I buried my head in the sand pretended it wasn't happening. I confided in one friend and would have been absolutely furious if somebody had gone behind my back and told my parents. When people do this there is usually a very good reason for it, unfortunately not everyone has reasonable and understanding parents.

Constantlyamazed · 20/04/2016 23:06

And I really wouldn't tell the school or get the police involved - support the girl and encourage her to speak up.

Vixyboo · 20/04/2016 23:53

It really baffles me how so many people jump on the safeguarding bandwagon so quickly!

Needsasockamnesty is absolutely correct and very wise. I am a parent and a qualified youth worker. There is no guarantee this is a safegiarding issue. Please can people stop assuming this!

Keep talking with your dd. Don't rush to do anything.

nightowlzombiemum · 21/04/2016 23:58

We have the best group of local midwives here. Small community I guess. But I know that they will do the test, give advice, even if it's negative. If it's negative they can advise re contraception in the future. If it's positive they can refer her to the relevant peeps and support her from start to finish whichever decision she makes. I can understand some saying they would be unsure about the school knowing if she has to continue seeing them for the rest of her school time? A midwife has all the next steps at her fingertips and can seem perhaps less daunting than a school member/GP/parent. That's of course providing your area has a local department. Good luck, and well done for supporting your daughter and her friend.

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