Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd just told me..

191 replies

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:45

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now. Confused

OP posts:
Pixienott0005 · 19/04/2016 21:14

My first thought is how long can she hide the fact she is pregnant from her mother, realistically? There's the pressure of the secret, being frightened, showing signs of pregnancy. If her mum is clued on she might be able to spot the signs to be honest, I.e period, mood, appetite. I dont see this being a secret that she can keep for very long, I really dont.

If it were my DD friend then there are probably 1 of 2 things I would do:

A), I'd ask DD if she wanted to invite her round for tea. Thereafter your DD could say to her 'my mum really wants to help you, please talk to her'. That's when you swoop in and are obviously sympathetic to her but really urge her to tell her parents. If she won't, you stay out of it. You've done your bit.

B) just support your DD and give her the guidance you'd only give the girl if you spoke to her, and that's, tell your parents!

I would not tell the school. This would be breaching your DD trust, it's her best friend for god sake, she'd be mortified if you did that to her. It's not like the girls a murderer on the run and you have info on her. Unfortunately she's pregnant and very young and silly.

Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 21:14

Bloody hell, don't tell her parents or the school! She could be sorting an abortion as I type

She is only 15. She needs help of her parents.

op this is so so much bigger than you or your dd confidence. This is about a very young girl who needs her parents right now. Not her friend and her friends mother keeps huge life defining secrets.

And it really isn't up to the op to vet her parents before she decides to tell them of what's happening with their own child.

Pass it to the school ASAP

EarthboundMisfit · 19/04/2016 21:15

I'd recommend her speaking to a BPAs counsellor too.

Sparklycat · 19/04/2016 21:15

Tell the school.

BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 21:15

Even the father doesn't have to come out unless she chooses to disclose it.

averythinline · 19/04/2016 21:15

I agree with Lorelei definitely not your place to tell anyone....

LuluJakey1 · 19/04/2016 21:17

Speak to the school and ask them not to reveal it was you or your daughter who told them. Alternatively, ring the School Nurse Service locally. The school will refer it to the nurse who will take her and get a test to make sure and will then tell the parent with her if she can not do it herself.They will make sure it happens.

eightbluebirds · 19/04/2016 21:17

Id tell the mum, or the school at the very least. She is still a child and needs help.

ChocolateBiscuitCake · 19/04/2016 21:18

But the friend hasn't told you directly that she is pregnant. Your dd has told you.

The best support you can give is to guide your daughter to support her friend and try to help her tell her parents, not you. You are breaking your daughter's trust and that of her friend.

If further down the line your dd wants to tell you something she may choose not to based on how you handle this situation.

Agree that telling the school is the best compromise.

LuluJakey1 · 19/04/2016 21:18

Please don't keep this to yourself- it is potentially a safeguarding issue.

Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 21:18

. I would half be mad and half be grateful that she hasn't been alone

Don't fool yourself she will be furious.

This isn't about dd trust and one day she will understand that this is bigger than her.

I'm leaving the thread now and hope it's not true as I think your being slightly indulgant with your own feelings op.

StarUtopia · 19/04/2016 21:19

She's 15? I'd be horrified if another adult knew my child was pregnant and didn't do anything responsible about it Confused

She's needs medical assistance (whichever route she decides)

How do you all know that she doesn't have medical issues? I have factor v leiden for eg which can be dangerous in pregnancy. High chance my daughter will have the same. She's a child. Not an 18 year old woman.

averythinline · 19/04/2016 21:19

If you want to support the girl in HER choice then your DD can pass that msg on ...if you dont feel you can without telling the mum or school then maybe pass on the number of a support organisation ft or her...

HeffalumpHistory · 19/04/2016 21:19

Completely agree with BillSykes absolutely do not tell the parents. As much as I would really want to know if it was my dd, like it or not the girl is entitled to medical privacy.
She would rightfully be entitled to a termination without anyone's knowledge too, should this be what she decides.
In most instances it would of course be better for the parents to know but really the only person that can inform them is the girl.

If you really must tell someone, go to school & leave it in their hands. It is not your place, no matter how good your intentions, to tell this girls parents.

PacificDogwod · 19/04/2016 21:19

I can see how this is a difficult one for you.

Did your DD say what she expects you to do? Why she told you?

I think I'd be tempted to say the friend should tell somebody, a teacher/GP/ideally of course her mother, but it's unfair that this is on your DD's shoulders.
I'd tell my DD to tell her friend that I am happy to be there when she tells her mother if that helps. Or that she can use your phone. Or you'll tell her.
Set a time limit on any of those offers - if she's not disclosed it so some other responsible adult in, I dunno, 3 days, you will tell her mother.

No teenager should go through this on their own, and she may just be in a 'if I don't mention it, it'll go away' kind of frame of mind. I've seen this more than once in my professional life.
The sooner she tells somebody, the more options she has.
Poor girl.

JessicasElephant · 19/04/2016 21:20

Has the girl seen a doctor? It would be best for you (or DD) to ensure that she's in touch with a healthcare professional. If she refuses that I might consider telling the school, but at 15 the girl has the right to medical confidentiality.

BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 21:20

She is only 15. She needs help of her parents.

op this is so so much bigger than you or your dd confidence. This is about a very young girl who needs her parents right now. Not her friend and her friends mother keeps huge life defining secrets.

This kind of thing drives me fucking mental. Are people really that blinkered that they think all parents are wonderful snuggly supportive bundles of love just because their own probably are? Have you never looked at the Stately Homes thread? It's really, really common for parents not to be like that.

There are all sorts of reasons she may not want to tell her mother, feeling that she may take the decision out of her hands, being fairly sure she's going to get kicked out and needing to get her ducks in a row, fear of an extreme and possibly abusive reaction.

There's absolutely no guarantee that her mother is what she needs, in fact it might be the last thing she needs.

PacificDogwod · 19/04/2016 21:23

RE privacy: her doctor cannot tell anybody else due to her right to confidentiality, but you as a concerned 'bystander' certainly can. Whether you should is a much more difficult question.
Why has she told your DD?

I agree that you should pass on a message of support via your DD and maybe see if she comes forward. Or do you think it would put your DD in a difficult situation when it becomes clear that she has told you??

lorelei9here · 19/04/2016 21:23

Cloud "she's only 15. She needs help of her parents"

But they may not help!! That's the whole point! I'm risking outing myself here but I know a. 15 year old, well she was then, who was made to feel there was no option, had TWINS to make it worse....and only when she was about to top herself dud the babies go into care and finally adopted.

Thankfully she found support and got her life back but it was terrible and of course she's gone NC with her family and no matter how good her life is, she still lives in fear of those twins finding her.

Do not undersetimate the ruin that occurs when someone who doesn't want a baby has one. I was one of the people who helped her build a new life and I continue to feel that the parents and GP should have been prosecuted. What did they did to a child, in shock and unable to make the right cjoice simply by saying "you should have the baby'
,
Argh. If she wants to have it she will tell them but if she is quietly arranging abortion she MUST be protected from parents or the boy etc interfering,

madein1995 · 19/04/2016 21:23

Tell her mother. She is 15 years old, still a child and not mature enough to deal with this alone no matter what she thinks. She needs to go through all her decisions with her parents help and advice and come to a reasonable decision on the options available to her. If she hides it for too long it might be too late for an abortion for example. She needs support with this, and a part of her must know this otherwise why would she tell a friend and run the risk of them telling their parents (as your DD has rightly done), why would she do this if it's not a cry for help?

There are a few different options available for her but depending on how far along she is already, she might not have a lot of time to dither making decisions alone and will likely need a lot advice and guidance, and someone to kind of take over (still respecting her views etc), but someone to sit her down and ask what she intends to do and outline all the possibilities. As a mother yourself you have a responsibility to tell the girls parent.

Agree that you need to have a talk with your own DD. Reassure her that she can come to you with any problem and you won't get cross or be angry, that in this ssituation you would support and help her with any decision she made and wouldn't force her to do something she didn't want to. Bottom line is though OP, I think you need to tell the other girls mum.

PacificDogwod · 19/04/2016 21:26

If I were to see a pregnant 15 yo (I am a GP) who was reluctant to tell her parents/guarding, I'd be very interested to find out why.
Id also be very interested in who the father might be, mainly to ascertain whether there IS a safeguarding issue.

Of course not all parents/mothers are supportive and some are downright toxic, but equally a 15 yo needs support through a situation like this. And she needs to start thinking about WHO she would like that support to be.
The head in sand approach works only a maximum of 9 months….

FelicityR313 · 19/04/2016 21:26

Don't tell her mother.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 21:27

Contact the school. If she's in year 10 she's under the age of consent. They'll have a member of staff responsible for child protection. Don't just ignore it.

My sister's friend didn't tell anyone she was pregnant, no one noticed, she totally ignored it and had the baby on her own in the school toilets. It's lucky they were both ok.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/04/2016 21:27

I am not sure how I would feel in the mums shoes to find out that another mum had known and kept it from me. I would half be mad and half be grateful that she hasn't been alone.

Don't let this cloud your judgement. That's just semantics. The girl is entitled to her privicy and if she doesn't want her parents (mother) to know then that is her right.

I'd go with seeking advice from the school.

I've been in a similar situation as you OP. With my DD3 and her friend.
Flowers It's not easy.

PacificDogwod · 19/04/2016 21:28

Oh my, of course pressurising somebody either way in this situation is equally damaging. It MUST be her decision, but she needs to be made to see that she has to MAKE a decision and that doing nothing is making a decision by default.

Swipe left for the next trending thread