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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd just told me..

191 replies

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:45

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now. Confused

OP posts:
Cloudstasteofmash · 19/04/2016 23:17

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Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 23:20

Elsa, your comment about well meaning adults gave me food for thought too.
For whatever reason I now know this info, what I do or don't do now could have long lasting effects on many people. Quite the dilemma, but all your posts are helping enormously.

OP posts:
Original poster
dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 23:23

Clouds, not me! I've nc for the thread but never posted previously about teenage pregnancy. My ds is 8 so a little young yet Wink

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 19/04/2016 23:23

Lots of family planning clinics do special sessions for teenagers. (I volunteer at one-you can google your local authority website to find out times) They give impartial advice and will sign post to other services that might help.
I would say that that should be where you advise the girl to go-you have then made sure she is medically safe and is getting advice about her decision. I don't think it's your place to do anything further than that unless you believe her to be in some other sort of danger at this point.

2pandasandapig · 19/04/2016 23:35

Just to make you aware when I spoke to my child's school I was informed that if I passed information about a child to them they would be obliged to tell the parents who had passed them that information, so might be worth checking if you are wanting to be discreet for your dds sake.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 20/04/2016 00:09

dilemma your idea of the sleepover, letting her look online/use the phone and talk to you if she needs to is perfect.

What I wished for more than anything was choice, if I had that, even if I messed up, it would have meant so much knowing it was not taken out of my hands.

Your support, non judgement, and respect for her privacy will mean so much to her.

Flowers Wine and Cake for you op, I know it's a tough situation but you are dealing with it so well.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 20/04/2016 06:20

She is entitled to medical privacy. Do not tell her mother. If this girls wants an abortion she is entitled to one, pro life family could try to make this impossibly difficult for her. stay out - if it gets past 24 weeks tell school if they aren't aware.

BillSykesDog · 20/04/2016 07:33

Wow 2p, did your school say that? That's worth a complaint to the governors in itself. Really bad practice and raises all sorts of safeguarding issues and possibly in some cases even breaches data protection laws.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2016 07:40

I agree with bill, non of the school's I've worked in have had that policy.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2016 07:41

My phone just added that apostrophe-I know it is schools.

user838383 · 20/04/2016 07:45

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user838383 · 20/04/2016 07:51

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GlitteryFluff · 20/04/2016 07:56

Really tough situation. I think I'd chat to the girl and hopefully both come to the agreement that her mum needs to know and help her with the words to say etc. In an Ideal world anyway.

Blu · 20/04/2016 08:00

13/ 14 year olds do have the right to medical privacy. That is a fact, no matter how we, as responsible, supportive parents feel.

Strongly encourage her to visit Brook ASAP . That is the responsible and ethical way to carry out a duty of care, IMO.

TimeOfGlass · 20/04/2016 08:35

Very tough situation. I would be wary of telling her parents without her consent - as some pp's say, not all parents would be supportive in these situations.

Whatever the girl wants to do about the pregnancy, please try and encourage her to see a doctor, whether that's through a GP, family planning clinic, or something like Brooks / BPAS. If she buries her head in the sand about it, then that will limit her options and may endanger her health if the pregnancy isn't straightforward.
I knew a young woman (about 20) who tried to ignore her pregnancy, managing to disguise it from everyone (including health care professionals), until she went into labour. Fortunately, she and the baby were both fine, and her parents were very supportive once they'd got over the initial shock.

IdBuyThatForADollar · 20/04/2016 09:14

I don't think I would tell her parents.

When I was at school (all girls, private, FWIW) there were 3 of us in our friendship group of 8 who had abortions between 15-17. 2 of them would have been disowned by their families if they'd have found out about them having sex outside of marriage, let alone a pregnancy, even more an abortion. I was the 3rd, and frankly, couldn't deal with the guilt I would've felt putting it on my parents (I was a troublesome though well meaning child). We all got through it, we're all fine, we supported each other, and even if I could go back and do things differently, I don't think I would.

I'd never judge, or guilt trip my DD in the same way, but you don't know how these parents will react. 15 is young, but in some ways, if she's decided she's old enough to have sex, then she's going to have to be old enough to deal with the consequences. Tough learning curve, but not necessarily ultimately devastating, as long as everyone around her behaves relatively practically and not over dramatically.

Londonmamabychance · 20/04/2016 11:22

hmmm...I would say that if the girl does not want her mother to know, this says something about their relationship? Seems the pregnant girl does not trust her mum, or think she would say or do something that would upset her a lot, maybe force a decision on her? Why does she not want to tell her mum? Is it mere embarrassment, or does she genuinely have a bad relationship with her mum? If it's the first, then I think the best course of action is to continue to try to persuade the girl to talk to her mum herself. If it's the second, then maybe it is for the best that the mum does not know! depending on the relationship, sometimes things can be best kept from the family, family members, including mothers, are not always the best placed to help, just because they are mothers. If this happened to my DD when she grows up, I hope she would tell me, which is why I will do my best to develop the kind of relationship with her where I knew she would. I know I would have told my mum with no hesitation at all if that happened to me at that age. But I know several people with very dysfunctional relationships with their mothers, and keeping things from them is often the healthiest choice. I would say do definitely NOT tell the girls mum behind her back. You will break her trust - not just in you, but in all adults and people in general, at this very fragile point in her life.

Cloudstasteofmash · 20/04/2016 11:24

when are you taking her for her STD check op? You know unprotected sex and all that ...

Mousie38 · 20/04/2016 11:30

It's great that your daughter has confided in you but it's not your place to tell her friend's Mum.

Perhaps an anonymous call to the school...and then they can pass it off as a teacher having noticed the friend's condition...she can't keep it hidden for long.

2pandasandapig · 20/04/2016 11:34

Yes they did, they told me to ring ss or ncpcc as they would keep my information private. I must admit I was surprised but followed it up with a call to our local education authority who confirmed that what I had been told was correct. Anyway I just didn't want the op getting caught out like I very nearly did!

Blu · 20/04/2016 11:38

Good post Londonmama.

Blu · 20/04/2016 11:41

Actually I meant good post, I'dBuyThat, but LM's is good too Smile

Shesaid · 20/04/2016 11:43

When your DD tell you something in confidence, the reason is she doesn't know what to do. It's not simply about the secrecy with parents (although that's important), it's about the need for direction. My grown up child tells me repeatedly the thing (he) most values about me - till now - is my willingness to help and give direction. Don't hold back. Be clear that her friend needs help. The school is set up for this.

MeDownSouth · 20/04/2016 11:56

Your local family planning service will have a young person's clinic, offer to take her with your DD if she wants. They will provide impartial advice, not only on the medical support but will also help her deal with it. They then have the responsibility for any safeguarding issues that arise, taking the pressure off you, and she will get the support and help she needs.

Eiram49 · 20/04/2016 12:23

What age is this girl? If she is under 16, there may be other things to consider; age of the father of the child ? I would contact school or local social work department of appropriate for advice on how to beat support the young girl.