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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dd just told me..

191 replies

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 20:45

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now.

OP posts:

winewolfhowls · 19/04/2016 21:56

Schools can access brilliant support, really. Please tell.

pinkpanther6 · 19/04/2016 22:01

I would speak to your daughter about what she wants you to do, obviously as a responsible adult you have a duty to the other teenager that is pregnant but your daughter has been very open with you about her friend and if you go behind her back and report the friend to school it could impact on yours and your daughters relationship and mean going forward she doesn't share information with you.
Speak openly and calmly with your daughter no ultimatums about if she doesn't tell you will, fingers crossed you can then between the 2 of you find a way to help the girl tell her mum.

purplemoonlight · 19/04/2016 22:04

Please don't tell the school. They may be able to access 'brilliant support' but they will also have to let the parents know.

lorelei9here · 19/04/2016 22:04

Does the school have an obligation to keep the information private?

purplemoonlight · 19/04/2016 22:06

No, it has an obligation to inform all necessary parties.

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 22:06

Because in my opinion it's fuck all to do with the school purple daisies - imagine how mortified that poor girl would be. And if I was the girls parents I'd be furious too, maybe they want to keep it private. Why is everything assumed to be the bloody schools business these days?

BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 22:08

These are local guidelines, but it appears from these that the school would not disclose the information without consent unless their was a risk of harm to either mother or child:

www.yor-ok.org.uk/Downloads%20Old/Integrated-Working/Education%20and%20Support%20for%20Pregnant%20Students%20and%20%20School%20Age%20Parents%202014.pdf

I suspect even where that was the case schools would be looking at telling medical/social services professionals and not parents.

lorelei9here · 19/04/2016 22:11

Oh that's even worse than I thought! When I was at school a really really senior member of staff helped a girl by accompanying her for abortion etc but her parents might actually have throttled her....we had one girl physically thrown out of her home after telling her parents.

Fuck bugger and bollocks. OP you cannot tell the school.

You could do nothing if you don't want to get involved. That is better than exposing this matter to anyone else.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 22:11

Why is everything assumed to be the bloody schools business these days?
Schools have dedicated members of staff who deal with this sort of situation. We know absolutely boring about the pregnant girl's boyfriend-he could be a forty five year old man for al we know. She is under the age of consent. It isn't about spreading gossip-it's about getting the girl support. And seriously, if the mum didn't know I'd be amazed if she'd be pissed off with the op for going to the school.

lorelei9here · 19/04/2016 22:12

Cross post, was responding to Purple saying the school woukd have to tell parents etc.

Tollygunge · 19/04/2016 22:13

Parental consent is not needed for a termination.

purplemoonlight · 19/04/2016 22:13

Yes, but Purple, that 'support' may not be the right thing for this young woman at this time.

If I was 15 and pregnant and alone and scared and told a friend I could trust and then it got back to the school and my mum, I don't think I'd ever forgive her.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 22:13

I didn't say the school had to tell the patents-I said the school would get her support. I was thinking counsellor/medical professional.

PurpleDaisies · 19/04/2016 22:14

Sorry, wrong purple!

purplemoonlight · 19/04/2016 22:15

I forgot I was also a purple - just name changed

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 22:17

Personally I'd be so upset to find out that the teachers knew before me if I was the parent.
If a girl chose to tell the teacher as she felt she couldn't go to her mum that's one thing but to have a 'confession' forced upon her by the actions of a random mum is unfair I feel. The op should talk to the girl if she decides she has to get involved. I just think it's getting way too involved going to the school.

BillSykesDog · 19/04/2016 22:17

SalfordLass, mortified or not, the school are a better option in this case because they will be able to deal with it professionally and let the girl know her options and also inform the relevant authorities if there is a risk to her or her child. They will be a lot more clued up and party to any information such as social services involvement so will be a lot better placed than the OP to know about any risks or problems and what the most appropriate thing to do is. They will also be able to refer her to support.

If the OP has the choice of an unknown factor of the mother, who there could be good reasons not to tell, doing nothing or telling the school who will deal with it responsibly and professionally I know which one I'd choose. Anyway, I can't really see how other mothers holding 'coffee mornings' to gossip about it would be any less mortifying for a teenager than one or two teachers knowing in confidence.

Original poster

dilemmaforme · 19/04/2016 22:22

Lots of different views. Have talked with dd and she is currently reading through the thread to get an idea of the dilemma I am facing. It definitely isn't her that is pregnant, but I had already asked the question.

Have agreed that I will neither do nor say anything until I have sat with friend and also given her a proper pregnancy test to do, just in case she got a cheapo one or something. That would also negate any fears that it is attention seeking. The father is a 17 year old apparently so perhaps not the priority issue right now.

OP posts:

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 22:29

Yes just talk to her op and give her some support. I am sure she would not thank you for going to the school and it may just be a storm in a teacup like the situation I mentioned.

228agreenend · 19/04/2016 22:30

I wouldn't speak,to the mother or the school until,you have spoken to the friend. She has told your dd in confidence, and your dd has told you in confidence. It's up,to the friend to tell her mum, not you. It's definitely not for the school to know before her mum.

Well done on supporting your daughter in this matter.

PacificDogwod · 19/04/2016 22:31

Oh, well done.

I think you are right to take it very slowly and not inadvertently scare her further away from getting the help she needs.
I hope she'll feel she is free to make the right decision for her.

Fwiw, I have looked after young teenaged girls (15/16) who terminated/had and kept the baby/gave baby up for adoption and all outcomes can be positive ones provided whichever decision was made for the right reasons by the girl and not anybody else, no matter how loving or well meaning.
Good luck.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 19/04/2016 22:32

I got pregnant very young (13) I confided in a friend, who confided in her mum, who forced me to go to the school, who then took it upon themselves to 'informally' let my mother and her husband know.

Long story short my step dad told my mother I lied and made sure I lost thebaby as it was his (don't want to go into details)

Please do not do anything or say anything without the girls consent. She may be lying, she may be in a situation like mine, or maybe just have her head in the sand, but it's notfor you to overrule her choices.

Talk to her, listen to her, be there for her, but don't take her right to privacyaway.

Salfordlass · 19/04/2016 22:32

And the point I'm making billsykes is that maybe the girl doesn't want it 'dealt with professionally' and surely what the girl wants should come first??

228agreenend · 19/04/2016 22:32

Just read your update. That's a good policy to do a pregnancy test first and to talk to her. Maybe the friend will want you to be with her when she tells her mum, for moral support. It can't be easy to be pregnant and with GCSEs soon.

purplemoonlight · 19/04/2016 22:33

Oh elsa

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