dd just told me..

[dilemmaforme]

Posting here for traffic rather than a flaming, but have donned my flameproof suit anyway.

My daughter yr 11 has just told me that her best friend yr10 is pregnant.
She really doesn't want to tell her mum, and my daughter has been really stressed over the situation on top of all her GCSE stress.
I don't know the girls mum, but I know if it were my daughter I would want to know, however I can't make the girl tell her mum.
As it stands I have said she needs to tell her mum, and that if I can offer any support then I will. Ie if she needs a place to stay for a few days in the initial aftermath, she is welcome WITH her mums permission.
So my question is really, how far can I take the support if she downright refuses to share it with her mum? I will obviously do my best to persuade her without pressuring her, but what if she won't budge. I would hate to think of her going through it alone, and breaking her trust by telling her mum might make things worse.
I have no idea what to do for the best right now.

How are things op?

I think letting her come to your house to do some research is a great idea.

Can you ask her what her gut feeling is about what she wants to do? If she says she wants an abortion then I think you need to explain to her that she needs to move quite quickly, as at 15 the temptation to bury your head in the sand is HUGE and she may not understand enough about biology/procedures to know that.

So I have seen the bf over the weekend and offered my support. I explained why it was important that she share with her mum if she felt comfortable. She has now confided in her mum. Initially furious but has calmed down and all is well. I believe she is going to connect (a youth advice organisation) on Monday.
A great outcome
for all the words of wisdom. Thanks mumsnet!

Wow, that's a good outcome. Well done for dealing with it all so calmly OP. Glad everything's worked out for the best.

Phew, glad her mum has come through. Poor girl, what a terrible stress for a 15 year old.

Do you know the girl's mother? If not, and you are unable to be sure what sort of a person she is, I would avoid telling her - you do not know what problems you might unleash. I was a SW working in this field many years ago and there were times when a girl would say to me that their parents would kill her if they found out - and some meant this literally.

Speak to the school nurse. She will maintain confidentiality whilst taking steps to help this lass.

Phew! That's the best possible outcome. Means she can get the support she'll need.

glad it worked out dilemma!

Well done Dilemma.

Well done OP!
And also, great that your own DD was able to confide in you about her friend's situation - this tells volumes about your own parenting of her!
Got me thinking.
I have DS not DD, and now wondering how we would deal with this situation of they told us about a male friend with a GF in this situation...
(Guess I would consult MN )

Glad this worked out alright but I am surprised at how many people said tell the school. Schools can be very lax about confidentiality. I would have thought it would have been much better to contact the school nursing service direct.

This situation happened to me around twenty years ago..I confided in my sister. My sister told my mum & my mum told all my family members without my permission.
I love my family to bits but it is the biggest form of betrayal you can imagine. As a result, I keep shit to myself & are often told I'm 'closed' or 'secretive'

Do not do it, op, it is not your business and I mean that in the nicest way x

calmandcussing,

Thanks for posting your experience from your perspective. 18yrs ago my 16yr old Dd phoned me and told me she was pregnant, then hung up. I freaked out and called both sides of our family. My Dd is 36 now and has remained "closed off" with me on important matters ever since. I've never understood why because we get on great. But I understand something now that has always escaped me. Thank you once again.

OP, brilliant outcome. You rock.

Glad all worked out well, OP.

I wonder how many more "she is 10?! Call the Daily Mail, at once!" responses you will continue to get?

Well done to you and your dd. You have both been brill, and.a real support to the girl.

Please do NOT tell the girl's mother. If I had for pregnant at that age I would have wanted an abortion. I would have needed to do that in secret because if my parents had found out they would have disowned me. Don't meddle. Speak to school or BPAS but NOT get parents. Not under any circumstances.