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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

206 replies

LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 12:43

Our DC are 8, 4 and 15 months.

DP leaves at 6.15 am so he can go to the gym or do his hobby before work. He returns at 6.45 pm. Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30. I take the older two up and he watches baby downstairs then I feed him to sleep too.

They are always happy in the evening but I have to wake them all at 7.30 ready to leave at 8.10 and they all struggle to get up and say they're tired. It's always rushed and hectic and sometimes we're late for school/nursery.

I want to start waking all DC at 7. Have tea around 5.15 because middle DC has SN and takes at least an hour to eat. I want to eat with them and have them in bed for 8. DP complains that he'll have to get home and sort his own food while I sort the DC and that he won't see them all week. However, he hardly does anything with them when they're up late anyway - just spectates while I play with them and I don't think it's fair on them to always be tired and rushed in the morning for the sake of having tea with him.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 15/04/2016 12:45

Nope. Not in the slightest.

SmallBee · 15/04/2016 12:50

Nope. Not even a little bit.

He can still help with bedtime and get something to eat after they are in bed and cut back on gym and hobby to see them in the morning. Why should his preferences come before your DC's needs?

budgiegirl · 15/04/2016 12:51

YADNBU. 9/9.30 is pretty late for children to be up, especially if they have school/nursery the next day.

If your DH is that upset at not seeing the children, why not suggest he does bedtime when he gets in, and you make dinner for the two of you to eat at 8pm when the kids are in bed?

dementedpixie · 15/04/2016 12:52

Yanbu, my two still eat earlier than dh and I unless it's the weekend where we can all eat together.

CotswoldStrife · 15/04/2016 12:54

6.45 is a late teatime IMO, and I have a night owl! She is starving way before that so I think it is more than reasonable to have an earlier teatime for the children.

GoblinLittleOwl · 15/04/2016 12:54

No you are not unreasonable.
Their evening meal and bedtimes are late for their ages, as shown by their difficulty in waking up.(and well done you for getting three children ready in 40 minutes!)
Does your partner go to his gym/hobby every morning?
If he wants time with the children( his?) then sharing morning activities/breakfast would be an excellent opportunity.

Katastrophe13 · 15/04/2016 12:55

I can see why he doesn't like the idea, but I think them getting enough sleep has to be priority and he can help you put them to bed so spend some time with them that way. My DH only sees the kids for 15 mins a day during the week, and he doesn't like it, but gets that there's no way round it because they just wouldn't cope with less and it's nice having the evening to ourselves

youngestisapsycho · 15/04/2016 12:55

My DH is never home before 7pm. He never eats with us. I keep his dinner warm in the oven or he will cook something when he gets home. The DDs and I eat at 5.30/6.
I think 9/9.30 is too late for bedtime at that age.

Katastrophe13 · 15/04/2016 12:56

Budgiegirls suggestion is good

MoreGilmoreGirls · 15/04/2016 12:58

Good god no, that bedtime is too late IMO. My DS (2) eats his tea around 5 then will have a snack before bed, bath time is 7 pm. I eat with DH later, I intend to keep it this way for a good few years yet.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2016 12:59

Yanbu.

working hours can't be helped. it's selfish to expect them lto stay up late and be tired for school just so he can get to watch you play with the kids.

it's too late for a regular tea time fir kids that age tbh. they must be starving by that time.

if it couldn't be helped fair enough. but it can.

I'd have them in their jammies ready to say good night when he gets home and he can just deal

Original poster
LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 12:59

He has no wish to help with bedtime and the DC (his) don't want him to either. Yes, he does gym/hobby every day besides Sunday - sometimes waking the one or more DC when he leaves so I have to help the little ones catch up on sleep through naps or the eldest has a super long day.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 15/04/2016 12:59

Of COURSE you are NBU.

He has many options to see the DC. Sure, they may interfere with the way he's had it till now, but he can suck up a bit of inconvenience to himself to benefit his DC, surely? He's had it pretty sweet till now, huh - you cook & do all the childcare even after he's home (and who clears up after?)

  1. Keep leaving at 6.15am, but when home at 6.45pm he's in charge of bath/bedtime for the older two whilst you feed the baby to sleep. Then you can both cook together.
  2. Leave later a couple of days a week and have breakfast with them instead.
  3. Keep it like it is but have Friday night as everyone eat together night, and weekends he's more in charge so he gets more time with them to make up for it and you get a lie in/rest/day off?
Original poster
LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 13:01

They tend to have snacks after school (cheese and crackers, fruit etc) to see them through to tea but I'd rather they just had a proper meal.

OP posts:
HereIAm20 · 15/04/2016 13:01

agree with everyone else - bedtime is way too late for those ages. Indeed DS was going to bed at 9 when he was 12 and 9.30 at 13 now 10 at 14!

Eat earlier, into pjs and then bed at 7 and he can read to them until 7.30 if he is really insistent that he needs to do something with them!

HildaOgdensMuriel · 15/04/2016 13:01

To me the needs of little kids dictate the timetable.

MiniCooperLover · 15/04/2016 13:01

'He has no wish' to help with bath time/bedtime? Then the last thing I'd be doing is keeping them awake for him.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2016 13:03

X-posted with you.

You have 3 DC. He needs to do some bedtimes, regardless of whether he or the DC currently don't fancy it. You need more support, and the DC will get used to it if you make it a part of the routine. It's in everyone's best interests.

And is he's waking them with his early rising, they definitely need an earlier bedtime. Something has to give, and it should be on his side.

yorkshapudding · 15/04/2016 13:04

That does seem like a late bedtime

My DH is generally home just before 7pm. This means he hardly gets any time with DD in the week as she is usually tired and asking to go to bed by 7pm or not long after. I know he wishes he had more time with her but he would never expect her routine to revolve around his working hours. He does story and bedtime so they have a bit of time together before she goes to sleep and then they make up for it by having lots of quality time together at the weekend. We eat together once DD in bed as she is usually ready for her tea some time between 5pm and 6pm.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 13:05

The difficulty is that he struggles to cope and gets stressed with one child, let alone three. The older two absolutely do not want to have very much to do with him at all. Baby DS is heading the same way and DP thinks this change in routine is only going to make it all worse. I think I already do everything so if he isn't prepared to change what he does then he should suck up what I decide is best for the DC. He claims they won't 'let' him bath them etc and blames them but his only answer to deal things is to get in a huff and storm off.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 15/04/2016 13:05

If he doesn't want to help then he's just being selfish. Have them fed before he gets in and he can just reheat what you had (if you normally cook for all of you) before helping with bath/bedtime. Tough shit if he doesn't like change

TiredOfSleep · 15/04/2016 13:05

What time would he leave in the morning if he didn't go to the gym? Could he not go to the gym after they are in bed and spend some time with them before school?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 15/04/2016 13:07

yes feed them early, make food for you and DH and get him to start with the bedtime stories or he will never have a good relationship with his children. That's how we did it when Ds's were little, they were fed and bathed by 7 and DH read the stories until dinner was ready for us by 7.30 then we had a peaceful evening to chat / Tv sleep

budgiegirl · 15/04/2016 13:07

He has no wish to help with bedtime Then he can't complain about not seeing them. in these circumstances, you eat with the kids and get them to bed for 8, and he can do his own dinner. It's not just all about him. The kids have to come first.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 13:07

He'd leave at 7.45 if not for the gym. He doesn't want to go to the gym in the evening because he wants to see me - also known as watch crap on TV and fall asleep Hmm

OP posts:
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