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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

206 replies

LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 12:43

Our DC are 8, 4 and 15 months.

DP leaves at 6.15 am so he can go to the gym or do his hobby before work. He returns at 6.45 pm. Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30. I take the older two up and he watches baby downstairs then I feed him to sleep too.

They are always happy in the evening but I have to wake them all at 7.30 ready to leave at 8.10 and they all struggle to get up and say they're tired. It's always rushed and hectic and sometimes we're late for school/nursery.

I want to start waking all DC at 7. Have tea around 5.15 because middle DC has SN and takes at least an hour to eat. I want to eat with them and have them in bed for 8. DP complains that he'll have to get home and sort his own food while I sort the DC and that he won't see them all week. However, he hardly does anything with them when they're up late anyway - just spectates while I play with them and I don't think it's fair on them to always be tired and rushed in the morning for the sake of having tea with him.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2016 14:02

precisely star

he doesn't care enough about seeing them.or eating with them when he fucks off to the gym or wherever daily.

he has some nerve to make a fuss about the evenings. why not go in the evening a couple of times a week then at a convenient time on a weekend

AnonymousBird · 15/04/2016 14:04

YANBU. That is a late bedtime. My two, nearly 12 and 11 go to bed before then and if we do tick past 9pm for some reason I get really worried about lack of sleep for them and they struggle when the alarm goes off at 7am.

Can you have a couple of days when you eat with him later at 8.30-9 once children settled? Just sit with the children on those days, but not eat your meal? Trying to think of a compromise.

Then when he comes in at 7, and if he wants to see them, he will have to get involved in doing something with them in that hour, even if it's the two of you together involved in the bedtime process.

newmumwithquestions · 15/04/2016 14:05

What time do the children wake at a weekend/holidays? Would that give you an idea of how much earlier they need to go to bed? Ie if during holidays when allowed to sleep in they wake about 7:30 then you don't need to move bedtime that much, but if they sleep in until 9 then you need to bring it forward a couple of hours.
Then to echo other responses he should be helping with bedtime. If you did you could get the kids to bed earlier, potentially still eating all together if that's important to you as a family.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 15/04/2016 14:06

I think that is too late too eat - my dc are 10 / 8 and would be eating the table by then!!!! Bedtime needs to be earlier for both children but especially the 4 year old. My 10 year old is in bed before 9pm on a school day (reading) she needs her sleep!

Your DH needs to put up or shut up

musicmaiden · 15/04/2016 14:07

As an aside, my DS1 (7) and DS2 (3) would both rather it was me who put them to bed. God knows why (I work 4 days a week so it's not like they see dramatically more of me), but they just express a preference for me. But that doesn't make any difference to how we do things. DH is a very hands-on Dad and we alternate bedtimes so both children get one-on-one time with a parent. I would definitely NOT be putting up with this attitude of 'they don't really want me to' – it's pathetic. It's not easy doing three bedtimes so I'm not saying he should have to do it alone every single night, but he should be taking a very active part with at least one child.

He is behaving like a total manchild and needs to buck up. Sorry to say your problems are far greater than what time to put your DC to sleep. Flowers

DinosaursRoar · 15/04/2016 14:08

So essentially, you order the family routine around your DH's desire to go to the gym in the morning, the priority for the entire family is your DH's gym visit. This routine doesn't work for you, DC1, DC2 or DC3, but works for DH.

Also, your DH beleives that parenting his 3 children is entirely your job, has no intention of doing any of the work involved with having 3 children, while at the same time dictating to you, the person that does all the care for your joint children, exactly how you are allowed to parent them - in a way that is actually detrimental to his children, but benefitical to his gym routine.

He does not do any food preparation for the family, and one of the reasons he gives for not changing the routine is that he will have to re-heat the food you've made for him or cook his own meal in the evenings, and he feels that his standard of living will be lowered compared to the current system of him walking in to a freshly prepared meal on the table at the point that suits him.

Is that about the situation you find yourself in?

I think you should do several things, but yes, you should change your DCs routine to one that suits them.

RiverTam · 15/04/2016 14:09

What exactly does he bring to the party that's positive in any way, OP? Because this isn't really about dinner and bedtimes, is it?

LovelyFriend · 15/04/2016 14:10

The older two absolutely do not want to have very much to do with him at all
it sounds to me that there is a lot more going on in this family dynamic.

As for your post of 13:14 above lissa this does sound like classic "I'm gonna fuck it up big time/be useless so I don't get asked again" routine to me.

I have an 8yo and 4yo who would be RUINED by this nighttime routine - the 8yo will cope with the odd late week night but not every day..

But at the moment it's all about him isn't it?

ivykaty44 · 15/04/2016 14:15

Why does having supper at 6:45 mean a bed time of 9:30? I know you state one of the children takes an hour to eat but that would take you to 7:45
What do you do for an hour and three quartets afterwards?

I think it's better to eat as a family all together, I think this is especially so if one of the parents is a hands off parent - when are you all going to interact together each day if the mral time is taken away?

Lancelottie · 15/04/2016 14:18

Lack of sleep really damages children, so he's being a tit. Tell him to stop being a child-damaging tit.

Try this article from Tanya Byron on him if you need backup on your children's NEED for more hours of sleep.

PhoenixReisling · 15/04/2016 14:18

That is far too late to eat and for your children to go to bed.

So, he comes home you eat and then he just watches you play/bathe etc your children.......and he does nothing Hmm. He also has complained when you have discussed changing things.

FGS! If he does nothing....why are you even discussing it with him?

You need to do what's best for your children. Which is, a evening meal at an earlier time and a much early bedtime (my DC are four and are in bed by 7ish during term time).

Also, boo fucking hoo if the poor didums needs to heat up his meal or even make it for you both. He acts like an entitled child.

TiggerPiggerPoohBumWee · 15/04/2016 14:21

The difficulty is that he struggles to cope and gets stressed with one child, let alone three. The older two absolutely do not want to have very much to do with him at all

He sounds like a peach of a parent. Why on earth did you have a second child with him when he proved himself so useless with one, let alone a third?

Have a routine for the children that meets THEIR needs, not the overgrown child you picked as their other parent.

chillycurtains · 15/04/2016 14:26

YANBU. The needs of the kids should be trumping the needs of your DP. Your DP needs to understand that as a parent. I think you should consider waiting and eating with your DP later like 8pm or something. So that my DP gets time to see the DC during the week I feed them early and have something family based on the TV ready to watch when he gets. The DC are fed and all ready for bed. My 13 yr old doesn't even got to bed as late as your DC. 9-9.30 is late for LOs.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 15/04/2016 14:28

absolutely not.

there are lots of dads who don't get in until after a reasonable eating time for the children but do bath and bedtime with them instead (and some parents who just unfortunately have to see very little of their children due to working hours).

Children need as much sleep as they need. They will find school much easier/enjoyable etc if they are fully rested the night before and it can help with behaviour or grumpiness too if this applies.

Do what your instinct says and do what you think is right for the children.

PhoenixReisling · 15/04/2016 14:29

BTW

OP you do realise that this is all about him...what he wants, when he wants it etc?

Although he is a father, it's like nothing has really changed...because he is the centre of the universe.

Inertia · 15/04/2016 14:30

When he says that he wants to eat with the family, he means that it's very comfortable for him to turn up to his dinner on the table and then sit around while you do the parenting work.

Of course you are not being unreasonable- the priority is to ensure that the children get enough sleep. Could he change his routine so that he goes straight to work at 6.15am, gets home at 5, then eats with everyone and goes to the gym/ does his hobby at 8pm once the children are in bed?

MerryMarigold · 15/04/2016 14:31

My suggestion would be that he comes in and helps with bedtime at 6.45, then eats with you/ by himself when kids are in bed. That way he gets to spend time with kids.

If this is a glorified excuse that he doesn't want to put his own dinner on plate, and eat it alone, then you have your answer, if he is not willing to put DC to bed at 6.45, eg. reading a story or something.

Alternatively, he could conceivably eat at 6.45 (on his own) and then put eldest DC to bed at 7.30-8.00. Depends how much he wants to build a relationship with his kids. But their routine revolving around his, because all he wants to do is sit round the table with them (as opposed to read stories or do bathtime), isn't really fair.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2016 14:32

ivy

if the kids are tired in the mornings then being made to wait til their dad gets back fir tea, I can well believe that it would take that long.

either through picking at their food as being past hungry amd too tired to eat.

being generally wired as result of a late dinner and being tired.

and trying to get them.to let their dinner go down befire bed Time.

I'd also expect sone antics as result of trying to me up their daddy who made the fuss then fell sleep on sofa.

and quite possibly a few tears as they re just tired.

that's what I'd expect from mine.

can't speak for ops

I

Lancelottie · 15/04/2016 14:33

Looking at recommended amounts of sleep for four-year-olds, even getting them to bed at 8 is barely reasonable. Aiming for 7 (and sometimes trailing on to 7:30) would be more like it.

He can go do his marathon cycle rides/basketweaving practice and buy himself a pub supper.

Comeonnn · 15/04/2016 14:33

Could you not switch things around so that you all eat at 6.45 then go to bed straight after ,in bed by 8 pm?that way they can still spend a little time with their father.which I think it's quite important.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 14:38

OR comeon he could spend time with them in the morning and he go gym after work and then the kids could get to be at a reasonable time......

pottymummy · 15/04/2016 14:38

YANBU and you need to do whats best for the children. This is clearly bring their mealtime forward. I haven't read through the comments about your DH - but a quick glance says it all really.

I (or DH -depends on who collects them from school) serve dinner for the kids about 6pm as they are hungry by then. We eat later on as neither of us want food that early. Yes it would be nice to eat as a family, but its not practical in our case.

It takes half an hour or so for them to eat. DS2 (6) goes for a bath about 6.45pm and has time for a play, a good read, and his lights are off at 8. DS1 (9) has lights off at 8.30-8.45 on a school night and also has plenty of time for shower/play/drawing/reading. DS2 is still read to by one of us each night, and the other one just hangs out in DS1s room whilst he's reading.

I go to the gym three times a week, and DH steps up, but it does not interfere with their mealtimes or bedtimes or I wouldn't do it. They have to come first when they are so young.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 15/04/2016 14:39

why are you with him... even your DC don't seem to like him, and he frankly sounds like a shit 'partner' all round.

At the very least stop putting his selfish desires above your dc welfare. It must be very stressful for you and them in the morning (just thinking about how it is here the odd time we have overslept etc) and being tired all day wont be doing them much good at school!

MerryMarigold · 15/04/2016 14:42

My dh gets in at 7-7.15pm and manages to spend a good chunk of time with the kids. In the past it was either bathing smaller ones then eating around 7.30-7.45, or eating then putting older one to bed around 7.45ish. (The eldest has sleep issues so he's been going to bed at 8.30pm for a long time).

Comeonnn · 15/04/2016 14:43

Is 8 pm so unreasonable?how can they spend time together in the morning rush?He would still have to go to work in the morning anyway?