to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

[LissaLoves]

Our DC are 8, 4 and 15 months.

DP leaves at 6.15 am so he can go to the gym or do his hobby before work. He returns at 6.45 pm. Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30. I take the older two up and he watches baby downstairs then I feed him to sleep too.

They are always happy in the evening but I have to wake them all at 7.30 ready to leave at 8.10 and they all struggle to get up and say they're tired. It's always rushed and hectic and sometimes we're late for school/nursery.

I want to start waking all DC at 7. Have tea around 5.15 because middle DC has SN and takes at least an hour to eat. I want to eat with them and have them in bed for 8. DP complains that he'll have to get home and sort his own food while I sort the DC and that he won't see them all week. However, he hardly does anything with them when they're up late anyway - just spectates while I play with them and I don't think it's fair on them to always be tired and rushed in the morning for the sake of having tea with him.

Aibu?

I do think you need to work out what is a:

family issue
your issue
kid issue
DH issue

The child not holding hands next to a road is a family issue (because he could die) so you get a say in it. 8 year old was rude to DH? I think that's a DH and a kid issue. 8 year old will be bright enough to know that DH will put up with shit and mummy won't.

YY to what MrsTP says.

Some things are fine to be done different ways when with Daddy. "Daddy lets me walk in the supermarket" - fine, up to Daddy. Mummy does it differently, and it's Mummy's rules when you're with me. Ditto bar chair vs high chair. You don't think it's safe, so don't do it, but as long as the DC was being supervised adequately (i.e. not left alone there) then I would be OOK with my DH doing this. Not properly supervised however is a safety issue. 8 year old being rude - if he wants to be spoken to like dirt, guess that's up to him. She'll never respect him, though, if he doesn't pull her up on behaviour like that.

Not sure how old DS is but walking next to the road without holding hands - everyone needs to agree this is not safe if DS is still young enough to be using a buggy most of the time.

4 year old slapping - violence is not acceptable to anyone at any time.

If your DH cannot agree that some things are non-negotiable not because you want your own way but because you want your DC to grow up safe and decent human beings, then he is being an idiot.

By the same token you do need to let him do things his way, because how will he ever learn if he's not allowed to make some mistakes? I mean, he sounds like a total idiot, but if you love him and wish him to be an involved father you need to facilitate it somehow. And if you get divorced and he gets to see them alone, you'll be letting him loose with no training or common sense at all...

I do think you need to work out what is a

family issue
your issue
kid issue
DH issue

The child not holding hands next to a road is a family issue (because he could die) so you get a say in it. 8 year old was rude to DH? I think that's a DH and a kid issue. 8 year old will be bright enough to know that DH will put up with shit and mummy won't.

This ^

Not read all the replies, as there's 9 pages and it's gone midnight.
This though:
Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30
That's far too late a bedtime for 8, 4 and 15 month olds on a weekday (school/nursery day!)
No wonder you have to wake them all up in a morning and say they are tired and you're often late.
My 12 year old would struggle with 9.30 bedtimes every single schoolday, never mind a 4 year old and whatnot!
Definitely move bedtime earlier. I'd say 7.30 to 8pm at the latest and see how that goes. Much more reasonable.

Op, I could have written every one of your posts a few years ago. So many of the details are the same - the sleep issues, the children needing you and being unhappy around their dad, the meals on demand, endless housework, him wanting to have the children awake but ignoring them, dealing with them badly, not being able to handle them so that their behaviour was awful and he ended up yelling at them and making stupid threats which undermined me.

There wasn't anything practical I could do to improve my husband's parenting or priorities. I just realised that he was an abusive arse. I started making plans to leave (very quietly) and dealing with the kids in my own way, keeping them out of his line of fire as much as possible.

I'm sorry to say that when I started standing up for the kids, and making the changes I knew they needed, things got very nasty quite quickly. My husband wasn't violent until I rocked the boat... But I ended up with police and social services involvement and it was all very messy. We are safe now, and he doesn't see the kids at all so they are healing, and much more settled.

I know this all sounds terribly dramatic, but your husband sounds exactly like mine was. Please be careful! !!

Is he doing whats best for the kids, or doing whats most convenient for him?

Your child was told to hold hands when crossing the road, he said no.
The best thing for the child is to insist that he hold hands.
The easiest thing is to say "oh all right then, do what you want"

All your examples from the weekend are him saying "I want the easy way out, just do what you want", thats not parenting. I dont actually see any signs at all that he is compromising or thinking of whats best for anyone but himself.