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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

206 replies

LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 12:43

Our DC are 8, 4 and 15 months.

DP leaves at 6.15 am so he can go to the gym or do his hobby before work. He returns at 6.45 pm. Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30. I take the older two up and he watches baby downstairs then I feed him to sleep too.

They are always happy in the evening but I have to wake them all at 7.30 ready to leave at 8.10 and they all struggle to get up and say they're tired. It's always rushed and hectic and sometimes we're late for school/nursery.

I want to start waking all DC at 7. Have tea around 5.15 because middle DC has SN and takes at least an hour to eat. I want to eat with them and have them in bed for 8. DP complains that he'll have to get home and sort his own food while I sort the DC and that he won't see them all week. However, he hardly does anything with them when they're up late anyway - just spectates while I play with them and I don't think it's fair on them to always be tired and rushed in the morning for the sake of having tea with him.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SugarDiabetes · 15/04/2016 18:29

Why will he moan if he's happy for the DCs to stay up late?

RiverTam · 15/04/2016 18:31

Oh dear. Honestly, I would tell him that as he fails so spectacularly to parent his children he gets no say at all in their routine. They need one parent at least who puts their interests first.

But what about you? How is your relationship with him? Because he doesn't sound great from what you've said at all, and you need to look after yourself too.

RunswickBay · 15/04/2016 18:39

I'm sorry OP but he sounds awful.
How do you put up with him not wanting to be with the kids and them not wanting him and him prioritising gym over family?

What's in it for you?

Pinkcadillac · 15/04/2016 19:48

Can they have their baths before dinner, eat at 6.45 and and be put to bed at 8?

TubbyTabby · 15/04/2016 20:10

your DP is a douche bag.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2016 21:36

Oh dear, OP.

So in terms of chores/parenting in the evenings -

You:

Cook tea for the whole family, including DP
Serve it at a time to suit him (but no one else)
Clean up afterwards
Run a bath & bathe DC x 3
Get everyone ready for bed x 3: PJs, teeth, final wees
Read bedtime stories x 2
Breastfeed smallest to sleep & put to bed

Your OH:

"watches the baby downstairs"

You NEED to redress this balance. It is totally unfair on you, and will colour everyone's experience of family life.

If you are desperate to preserve time around the table, you could do earlier tea for the DC, and serve them a late snack (cheese & crackers or whatever) at 6.45pm, so your OH can eat while you all sit around the table. But limit this time to 30 mins tops, and then you take it in turns to do bath/clearing up.

Make a stand, OP.

YellowTulips · 15/04/2016 21:41

You sound like you have 4 kids.

As the only "parent" in the house I'd say it's up to you to dictate the rules.

If big baby doesn't like it then he can try growing the fuck up.

MerryMarigold · 15/04/2016 22:37

Oh my goodness OP. This is so not on. Something needs to change here.

Your routine:
Wake up tired kids and feed them, do school run
Run around after kids all day - inc a baby
Keep the house, clean and tidy
Cook all meals
Do all washing?
Clear up food and do washing up
Put all kids to bed
Go to bed yourself

His routine:
Get up and do what he likes for a couple of hours
Work
Come home and eat
Watch baby
Do what he likes for a couple of hours

How do you live with this? It would drive me bananas. It's ridiculously unfair, OP. Sounds like he has SEVERAL hours a day of doing what he likes, whilst your whole life revolves around other people. This is not good for your mental health, OP, really it isn't. I'm sorry, and I hope these posts are waking you up to how unfair and unreasonable he is.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 23:15

Precisely, Merry, my life does revolve around others all day. The baby tends to wake to feed at midnight then Co sleeps and feeds on and off all night so I literally don't get a moments peace. Ever. I don't resent the kids for it, but I do resent him.

Baths before tea can work sometimes but the eldest has activities some nights so it wouldn't be doable then.

No squirrels - add onto your list sorting washing, sorting our dogs out, getting the kids clothes ready for the next day, listening to the oldest DC read and anything else that needs doing.

Runswick I can't bear them not wanting to be around him. He seems to think that it is normal that they mostly ignore his very presence unless they have a complaint about him.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 15/04/2016 23:51

Please enlighten me as to how your life is better off with him? He just sounds like an additional burden.

I am a SAHM but dh does help put kids to bed and do all washing up, every day.It is VVVU to expect you to do everything. And yes, my dh comes from a culture and family where his Mum did EVERYTHING, but it doesn't work that way in my family.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 16/04/2016 00:02

OP Flowers. I honestly think you'd have an easier life on your own with the DC than with him. The very least you should be changing is the DC dinner time and bedtime. Really I think there's much much more that needs to change. Be strong and start building a better life for you and the DC.

Baconyum · 16/04/2016 00:07

Finallyfree has said what really needed saying - toss the useless lazy selfish bastard out! Says it all his own kids don't even like him! You're doing it all he's having it all!

MrsLupo · 16/04/2016 00:44

Gonna go against the grain on this one. I think his time with the kids is important. You say the kids don't want anything to do with him and that's hardly going to improve if they routinely don't see him from one end of the week to the other. Agree 9.30 is too late a bedtime for their ages, but just don't see that a 6.45 meal translates into a 9.30 bedtime. There are a few ways to accomplish this. Family mealtimes are important to me so personally it would be bathtime that got sacked off in my house. Or you could compromise with him and say you can all eat together if he's prepared to pitch in and get them all to bed more quickly. Or how about having them eat earlier so that they can spend some quality time with him before bath and bed, and while you're sorting that out he can cook for you and him. Lots of ways round this problem imo without resorting to a my way/his way ultimatum. Posters telling you to LTB are being ridiculous in my view.

Baconyum · 16/04/2016 05:53

Those of is saying ltb are saying so because he makes no effort to be a FATHER. Being a parent isn't just physical presence, it's making an effort emotionally and practically, making sacrifices for the benefit of your children... None of which he is doing! Plus he's leaving it ALL to his wife to do she must be exhausted!

In addition I know from my own experience people like this don't change (everything's going their way why would they?), I suspect other posters saying the same have the same experience.

Lollipopstick · 16/04/2016 07:56

9 or 9.30 is not necessarily a late bed time for all children. Perhaps it is for the OP's children - but it suits other children.

My DS is 6 and never falls asleep before about 9.30 - often about 9.45. He wakes up happy at about 7.30 and seems to have plenty of energy in the day.

I was concerned about his bedtime as other children seem to sleep earlier. I tried everything to make him sleep earlier - plenty of exercise in the day - no screens - a dark quiet bedroom etc etc. No matter what time I put him to bed - like 8pm - he'd lie in his bed and drift off at about 9.30.

I spoke to his GP who said it wasn't a concern provided he was waking up ok in the morning and had energy throughout the day - he said some children just need less sleep.

I've relaxed about it now and put him to bed at 9pm or 9.15. It's made life less stressful when I'm not fighting again his natural body clock and it means we have plenty of time in the evenings for homework, dinner and playing etc.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 16/04/2016 08:10

Op, I would tackle it from building a relastionship between kids and dad view point.

Sit down with him and discuss how the children and he feel about each other and what his interaction with them is and what h can do to fix things. Eg him getting up alone with kids in the morning and doing the breakfast stuff while you stay out upstairs with youngest. Any attempts to call you down by th other children get ignored. He then goes to work and goes gym later. Children go to bed much earlierband then YOU get some quiet time.

I have one hour in this house between when dd goes to bed and when Dh and older dd get in from work and it's my wind down time. Bliss. Total silence.

Things will/can will change pretty quickly if he puts the work in. You just have to use early morning as dad time. Every one knows what they are doing. He just has to want to. And resist the urge to go down stairs!

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 16/04/2016 08:12

lolly op has already stated she struggles to wake them up. So late nights don't work for her kids

redexpat · 16/04/2016 08:26

The DCs welfare comes before his ego.

He needs to be a better Dad. It sounds as if he doesn't know how, so has checked out, and it has become a habit.

PeppaIsMyHero · 16/04/2016 08:39

If the children are struggling to stay awake / do well at school then there is a problem and they need to go to bed earlier, regardless of what he wants.

If your DH struggles with them all, then why not introduce his input little by little? i.e. he could read a bedtime story with the oldest one every night for a couple of weeks so they can get used to being with each other on their own. If that works, then step it up to the next bit of interaction. Relationships need time to develop.

I think trying to get a huge amount of input from him overnight is bound to fail, but introducing small elements of his input may help him want to get more involved, which sounds like it would be helpful all round, and also acclimatise the children.

YANBU, by the way. Good luck!

Shakey15000 · 16/04/2016 08:40

He sounds fucking useless. This him being "defeated" is his way of trying it once then giving up purposefully with ye olde "but you do it so much better than meeeeee"

He has the mother of Sara Lee gateaus and a giant spoon watching his wife run herself ragged bringing up his kids single handedly while he indulges in his hobbies and work. And work no doubt "knackers" him and he "deserves his down time". Twat.

AvaLeStrange · 16/04/2016 08:52

I think you need to find a reason to go away for a couple of days and let him get on with it!

Lollipopstick · 16/04/2016 09:02

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff

I know it doesn't suit the OPs children - as I said in the first paragraph. It's just a lot of posters are saying that bedtime is too late for children that age - my point is that it's not necessarily too late for all children that age.

afussyphase · 16/04/2016 09:13

Yep. Go out of town for a weekend, unless you think he'll do so terribly they'll be in danger. See how he likes it. If you really think he can't do a weekend start slowly by adding a hobby that takes you out of the house for a few hours at a time, and do the weekend in a month. Or leave him! Sounds like he's a strategically useless parent getting it all his way. Hobby time should be equal...

PhoenixReisling · 16/04/2016 09:20

You said the kids get a second wind, and chase each other around.....you do realise that when a child gets overtired they usually get a second wind and then it gets difficult to settle after this.

Why doesn't he take them to school, when he is on annual leave?

It sounds to me that everything is on his terms. He is quite happy for you to essentially be a slave......hence why he is moaning about re-heating his dinner if the routine is changed.

He is a shite father....because he does not put them first. Ever. He is a shite DH, because he is happy to leave you to do everything, will swan off to do his hobby/sports and moans about re-heating his meal.

Things need to change and he needs to do more, otherwise what is the point?

GeorgeTheThird · 16/04/2016 09:21

You need a child centred routine with a suitable dinner time and bed time for their needs. This is not that, it is a DH centred routine. With the bonus for him that the chronic sleep deficit means he gets a late start at weekends.

You also need to talk to your DH though, I think you'll separate in a few years if he doesn't shape up.