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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

206 replies

LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 12:43

Our DC are 8, 4 and 15 months.

DP leaves at 6.15 am so he can go to the gym or do his hobby before work. He returns at 6.45 pm. Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30. I take the older two up and he watches baby downstairs then I feed him to sleep too.

They are always happy in the evening but I have to wake them all at 7.30 ready to leave at 8.10 and they all struggle to get up and say they're tired. It's always rushed and hectic and sometimes we're late for school/nursery.

I want to start waking all DC at 7. Have tea around 5.15 because middle DC has SN and takes at least an hour to eat. I want to eat with them and have them in bed for 8. DP complains that he'll have to get home and sort his own food while I sort the DC and that he won't see them all week. However, he hardly does anything with them when they're up late anyway - just spectates while I play with them and I don't think it's fair on them to always be tired and rushed in the morning for the sake of having tea with him.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 13:08

YANBU

My Dh gets up with dd and plays with her before work then he goes gym after work. He hears his tea up in the microwave as the kitchen 'shuts' at 6:30pm

My dd is in bed for 6:30pm

Katastrophe13 · 15/04/2016 13:09

I agree that he needs to get involved in bedtimes even if neither party is keen. They might all find they like it if he gives it a go. Maybe you could do it together to begin with. Anyway, even if you would prefer to do it all yourself, yanbu to change the routine to suit the DC better.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 13:10

lissa don't run the whole family around what your dp dictates. Do your own thing and he can fit around you and the kids. If he really wants to see them then he will see them in the morning. It's actually very selfish

Original poster
LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 13:10

For a long time he claimed he wished he could help but the DC won't let him but when I told him that's ridiculous he stopped saying it and just shrugs and looks defeated if the DC don't listen to him.

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 15/04/2016 13:11

yadnbu

Four year old should be in bed by 7 at the latest and the oldest no later than 8. If he's not actually doing anything with them then why on earth is he insisting that they stay up late?

Change the routine to sort the dc and yourself. So bloody what if he has to actually cook his own food. Is he missing both arms??

I feel the urge to slap your DH.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 13:13

He has mastered the art of 'looking' deflated. It's so you feel sorry for him for not parenting. If he really wanted to help he would! He could be doing a million other things to help you at bed times.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 13:14

FWIW I've tried saying to the older DC 'daddy is doing bedtime' and leaving him to it. By 10.30 they were still up and not even in pyjamas or teeth brushed and he'd threatened to remove pocket money, privileges, days out and so on. Eventually he gave up and left me to deal with them, failed to follow through on any of the threatened consequences then moaned at me for not following them through on his behalf - saying I undermined him...!

OP posts:
redskytonight · 15/04/2016 13:14

If he gets home at 6.45pm and they are in bed for 8 - that's as much time to spend with them as most full time working parents have in a day!

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2016 13:14

He sounds like he needs parenting classes.

I know it's hard to come home from work and go straight into parent mode. I know it is hard to listen to someone ballsing it up and shouting whilst you sit downstairs. I know he probably feels like they don't want him to so why should he. But if, as you say, your 15 month old is also starting to prefer mummy for everything, ever, then you need to change the dynamic. Otherwise everyone will be miserable in the long run. Practice makes perfect, and sounds like he needs to practise his dad skills a lot more than he needs time at the gym/his hobby.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/04/2016 13:15

Sounds like your 'D'P needs to pull his socks up and start parenting his kids as it's pretty clear they have no respect for him at the moment.

He sounds like a detached and lazy parent.

HackedOffWithWork · 15/04/2016 13:15

Could you do baths first then eat with him then in bed by eight? (Allowing an hour to eat then teeth and gave wipe?)

HackedOffWithWork · 15/04/2016 13:15

Face

Katastrophe13 · 15/04/2016 13:16

Would you consider trying bedtime together and then getting him to do it on his own? He sounds like he needs some training in how to deal with the kids. If he can see how you deal with them and follow suit it might go more smoothly. And you could try having a word with the DC and telling them that they should listen to their dad the same as they do with you.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 13:16

I feel the urge to slap your dh - me too.

In staggered at the shit some men get away with on.

Artandco · 15/04/2016 13:17

Coffee - mine have never had bedtime before 9pm, they wake 8am. 7pm isn't the latest for all 4 year olds, just what your preference is.

I would still have dinner at 6.45pm I think. If you want them in bed earlier you could get then ready in pjamas before dinner, so by the time they eat dinner, teeth etc you could still have bedtime at 8pm

And get your lazy Dh to help

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 15/04/2016 13:17

YADNBU. My 9 & 10yo are in bed much earlier than that.

Why don't the dc want him involved in bedtime? Can he really not help at all? I mean, maybe suddenly handing over responsibility for 3 dc all at once might be a bit much (although you manage it!) but couldn't he read the 4yo a story or hear the 9yo read or run the bath or help with getting pyjamas on or whatever?

I would work out together how you want things to work then sit down as a family and explain it all to the dc. Including what Daddy's going to be doing.

2016Hopeful · 15/04/2016 13:17

Sounds reasonable. I have always eaten around 5.30/6 with my kids and if my husband is late I just leave his on a plate in the oven and he can heat it up if it is cold.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2016 13:18

I just can't believe you have an 8-year old and he's still not mastered bedtime. Do you never go out and leave him to it? Not having them in bed by 10.30pm is just . . . words fail me.

Strategic incompetence. Look it up, OP.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 13:20

7:30 -9:30 is such a long day for small children. Dd (3) would be melting and massively over tired. There are not having enough sleep

Gatehouse77 · 15/04/2016 13:20

YANBU I told DH when ours were little that their needs, in terms of sleep/routine/etc., were the main priority. If he was home in time - fantastic. If he wasn't - so be it. And it still stands. Our evening meal time varies due to after school stuff so sometimes he's here. Likewise his work commitments can vary.

The idea that anyone can "have it all" is unrealistic. And it shouldn't be at the expense of the children. There will always be exceptions.

xinchao · 15/04/2016 13:21

YANBU in the slightest. He is being V unreasonable. It sounds like he makes life hard for you - does he do anything to make your life easier or bring happiness to the house for everyone? Trotting off to the gym or his hobby 6 nights a week sounds...outrageously selfish.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 15/04/2016 13:21

How on earth has your DH managed to get through 8 years of parenting with such selfish, immature and petulant behaviour?

You deserve a medal. And absolutely, change their routines to suit the DC first and you second. If he wants to see them he can ditch his hobby/gym.

FFS. These sorts of threads make me so angry.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 15/04/2016 13:22

YADNBU - It is cruel for him to expect to keep them up late for his sake. It would be fine if there was no school/nursery in the morning so they were able to get up much later but as there is school run, they need to be in bed much earlier.

If he wants to improve his relationship with them he should be putting them to bed, as soon as he comes in from work (or at least have both of you doing it together). That way they are not over tired and he is actively doing something in the small amount of time he has to further that bond. You and him could both go down and have dinner as soon as DC are in bed. That way the DC are getting the rest they need and quality time with dad - so best for them. Plus you and DH get quality time together after they are in bed - best for you two as well. Its win win.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2016 13:22

whats the point in jammies and bath before dinner time art only have to re wipe faces and change them again if they spill something down them.

plus gives them no time to wind down, she still has to wash up and clear up (if they ate at five they could watch TV or read until it's bath time whilst op clears up)

and they go to bed on a full stomach which isn't good.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 15/04/2016 13:24

Christ on a bike your 'd'h sounds a real lazy manchild peach 😕.

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