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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

206 replies

LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 12:43

Our DC are 8, 4 and 15 months.

DP leaves at 6.15 am so he can go to the gym or do his hobby before work. He returns at 6.45 pm. Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30. I take the older two up and he watches baby downstairs then I feed him to sleep too.

They are always happy in the evening but I have to wake them all at 7.30 ready to leave at 8.10 and they all struggle to get up and say they're tired. It's always rushed and hectic and sometimes we're late for school/nursery.

I want to start waking all DC at 7. Have tea around 5.15 because middle DC has SN and takes at least an hour to eat. I want to eat with them and have them in bed for 8. DP complains that he'll have to get home and sort his own food while I sort the DC and that he won't see them all week. However, he hardly does anything with them when they're up late anyway - just spectates while I play with them and I don't think it's fair on them to always be tired and rushed in the morning for the sake of having tea with him.

Aibu?

OP posts:

PoodlesOfFun · 15/04/2016 14:46

He can fuck off.

to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

PoodlesOfFun · 15/04/2016 14:48

He could get them ready in the morning rush. If he actually did his share there would be no rush.

MerryMarigold · 15/04/2016 14:52

Comeonn, he gets in at 6.45. The kids could be in by 7.15 and still spend time with him

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 15/04/2016 14:53

It sounds very much like his only complaint here is that he'd have to make his own dinner. This doesn't sound like a man who is bothered about missing out on 'time with the children' really.

My 8 and 5 yr olds will go until about 5.30 latest before the complaints for food are deafening. Like you, I don't want to fill them with snacks after school as well as a normal tea. At the weekends we sometimes eat together a bit later.

Bedtimes, 5 yr is tucked up at 8. The 8yr often reads to himself until 9.30 but he still wakes up by 6 every morning.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2016 14:55

come He's back.in time to read them.a bed time story or a snuggle and cartoon should he wish.

instead he's eating then falling asleep on the sofa. it's all for nothing anyway.

so yes, when op could have them fed bathed ready fir bed and actually get an evening to herself, 8 is VVV U

limon · 15/04/2016 14:58

Yabu. I work full time but lucky to get home about half five most evenings. DH is a sahp. I would hate not to see my DD all week.

limon · 15/04/2016 14:59

PS DD has always gone up to bath at 7.30pm

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2016 15:01

limon

who said any thing bout not seeing them.

she just doesn't want to be feeding them. and bathing them.at that time.

he still has plenty of time to see them. he chooses not to by rushing off in the morning.

he has plenty of time for snuggles and stories

dementedpixie · 15/04/2016 15:03

The OP said she would have bedtime at 8pm so plenty of time for her dh to see the kids between him coming in and bedtime. If he wants to interact with them he can help with bath and bedtime stories

WeAllHaveWings · 15/04/2016 15:04

YANBU. The dc need more sleep and he either misses out seeing them or adjusts his life to see them. If work cannot be adjusted he drops the hobbies at weekends and spends quality time with them.

Of course he can bath, put to bed or read to dc, the dc will adjust quickly if he wants to and preservers (and that doesn't mean threats and punishments, much better to try to make it fun).

AugustaFinkNottle · 15/04/2016 15:04

He can't conceivably need to do gym/hobby six mornings a week, and if he's so keen on interacting with the kids then the morning is the obvious time to do so.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 15/04/2016 15:05

How did you manage to have 3 kids with such a useless lump?

AnyFucker · 15/04/2016 15:06

He sounds like a really shit parent

When it looks like a complete absence of someone would make your life actually easier, start thinking a bit harder about what he brings to the table

gobbin · 15/04/2016 15:37

What a selfish man.
If you can imagine a mindmap with him at the centre and everything else arranged around it, this is what you are putting up with. His is a very childish, egocentric view of his little world. Well. You're just about to make him grow up.

Tell (don't ask) him what you will change about the kids routine. Do it. Let him deal with the fallout and don't engage in any power games he'll no doubt come up with, just keep repeating "This way is best for the children".

stiffstink · 15/04/2016 16:29

I wouldn't even tell him about a change in the routine. Why should he be consulted/notified about it? Its not as if he's actively involved in the children in any way.

Do what you want OP. Other than his meal, I doubt he'll notice any changes.

yomellamoHelly · 15/04/2016 16:35

Change the routine. As they get older they'll want to stay up later. Then you'll have zero time alone together.

Original poster

LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 17:56

When we eat at 6.45, we finish around 7.45. The kids then have a second wind and Chase each other around while I wash and clean up from tea. They have a bath every second night and even if I get it ready straight after washing up they're still not in it until 8.10 and not out and ready until 8.40. I then have three lots of stories to do and middle DC with SN has a specific routine of checking things that takes 15 mins.

So even without baths, it's still difficult to get them in bed before 9. DP argues that because they're happy in the evenings (so long as he doesn't talk to them...!) that they're fine with the late bedtime. Surprisingly, he has never done the school run even when he's had annual leave in term time so he's never endured the morning chaos. At weekends the DC would sleep until 9/9.30 if undisturbed which says to me they have lots of sleep to catch up on.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/04/2016 18:01

Seriously fuck it and change it. dinner at 5. while they are finishing off wash up amd put away the dishes. they cab wind down watching TV or reading a book. start bath time around six so they can be clean and warm in their jammies when your "d" h gets home.

younger ones cab go to bed at 7 and the older one between 7.30 and 8.

everything is done then and you can relax. let him.moan. t lest yku cab be sat on the sofa with a book while he does it.

Lancelottie · 15/04/2016 18:01

How on earth can he argue that they're fine when:
-he doesn't see them in the morning and
-you do, and can see that they're knackered?

Either he shapes up to parenting, or he leaves it to you - not cop out AND make your parenting harder.

Original poster

LissaLoves · 15/04/2016 18:07

He will moan today because 4 year old was worn out after nursery so I let her nap. She may be up until ten tonight but then will likely sleep in until 10/11 tomorrow which she can do as he's out and we have no plans until the afternoon.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 15/04/2016 18:11

oh just change it - if he's not going to do the parenting, he can fuck right off with treating you like paid help who'll raise his DCs they way he tells you to, whilst not lifting a finger himself!

Feed them at 5, you'll probably find they eat quicker (if you are used to doing snacks after school to 'keep them going' you'll have to stop that too), be ready to start bathtime before 7, get them in bed for 7:30/8. See if that helps. You and DH could always eat together at 8:30ish if you want to not make him eat alone.

MrsEvadneCake · 15/04/2016 18:13

If he doesn't help then he doesn't get a say. Leave the washing up for him too. Tea earlier and he can have a reheated meal or cook for himself. The DC need an earlier bed.

DinosaursRoar · 15/04/2016 18:13

Seeing your last post, I would say get your 4 year old up at a decent time tomorrow, start breaking the habit of staying up late and sleeping in/napping in the day.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 18:27

You did ground down.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 15/04/2016 18:27

Sound*

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