to completely change the DCs routine against DPs wishes?

[LissaLoves]

Our DC are 8, 4 and 15 months.

DP leaves at 6.15 am so he can go to the gym or do his hobby before work. He returns at 6.45 pm. Currently we all eat as a family at 6.45 but it then means that the kids are always in bed later than I'd like - usually 9/9.30. I take the older two up and he watches baby downstairs then I feed him to sleep too.

They are always happy in the evening but I have to wake them all at 7.30 ready to leave at 8.10 and they all struggle to get up and say they're tired. It's always rushed and hectic and sometimes we're late for school/nursery.

I want to start waking all DC at 7. Have tea around 5.15 because middle DC has SN and takes at least an hour to eat. I want to eat with them and have them in bed for 8. DP complains that he'll have to get home and sort his own food while I sort the DC and that he won't see them all week. However, he hardly does anything with them when they're up late anyway - just spectates while I play with them and I don't think it's fair on them to always be tired and rushed in the morning for the sake of having tea with him.

Aibu?

What you need to do is pack yourself off to a B&b/hotel for a few days eg. Over a weekend and see how he likes getting on then.

He's a poor excuse of a man to be letting you get run ragged.

Why the hell should the OP manage her DH's relationship with his own children? He wants to improve it? - he can out in the legwork. Why should the OP add to her already overwhelming workload? He's an adult. I wonder what his relationship with his own parents is like?

OP, have you read the incompetent husband thread? I think yours definitely comes under that heading.

Being an 'incompetent husband' means that the dh can pretend he's no good at doing the wife-work and can therefore please himself, while his dw gets run so ragged that she doesn't have time to notice that, as she's doing everything already, she could actually have less to do and an easier life, if she were to rid herself of that lumpish man-child slumped on the sofa mewling "but it's all about meeeeeeeee"

Think about it.

Oh, OP. Poor you.

How is your relationship between the two of you? Because I couldn't be "in love" if my partner was treating me this way. And I sure as hell wouldn't be up for any sex. Honestly, my DH can be lazy too, but nothing to this extent, and I do challenge it all the time. DD1 informed me "Mum, I think you need to change the cat's litter tray in the bathroom" - she was right it needed doing, but I asked her why she thought it should be me that did it, and she said "Because you always do the jobs." So then we had a discussion about how then perhaps it was someone else's turn...

If you don't address these dynamics, then a) you will end up hating him (if you don't already) b) the kids will end up treating you as the only source of their needs being met and you will exhaust yourself and c) you will teach them all bad stuff about how equal relationships should work, that they will take into adult life.

So DO change the kids routine, but also change your DH's routine!

Why the hell should the OP manage her DH's relationship with his own children? He wants to improve it? - he can out in the legwork. Why should the OP add to her already overwhelming workload? He's an adult*

Because in a perfect world every one would just get on with their shit and no one would be complaining on MN & LTB is always easy to shout when when you sitting behind a computer screen and it's not your three kids your talking about.

The dynamics of this house hold has two adults in it. OP dp gets away with this bullshit because she has let him for so long. She also has to change, she has to toughen up and look at ways they can all work together, to make life easier for op and the kids.

Yes he is being a shit dp and an even shitter dad but some people need it spelling out and ultimatums and plans setting. Her eldest is eight years old. This has been going on a long time - why is he just going to get an epiphany to pull his finger out of his arse?

AND at where in my post does it suggest that op does more work? I suggested she says in bed in the morning with her youngest and let her dp do the whole shift.

Lots of people repeating same thing, just felt needed to add this just isn't a fair arrangement as it is, not good for the children to grow up seeing these dynamics of a relationship either and you will grow to resent him. No wonder the children don't really want him to help with anything as they don't have a very close relationship due to his laziness/lack of input.

What happens at weekends? Does he play with them then? He needs to build up a more fun relationship with them so they are happy for him to at least do bedtime story during the week.

My husband is rarely home to have tea together during the week, he is self employed so I never know when he will be home so just have to get on with things. I too have 3 DC's, they have tea together about 5pm, I sometimes cook enough for DH too (depending on what having) and keep it in oven for him to warm up properly later. If not I will cook for us both again when kids in bed. If he is home in time to see DC's he occasionally reads story or will at least go up and see them/have little chat. I would not keep them up late just for him to see them, mornings would be a nightmare and it goes on to affect their day / their learning/ their behaviour etc etc...

He will have to make the most of weekends if that's all he gets. I feel for you but would personally not let this continue. I find it hard having 3 school age children with all their homework, activities etc, you only have one at school at the moment, you will find this routine you have really needs to change particularly once they are all at school so best to start now IMO.

A gently worded chat with hubby and maybe with older 2 children present too, may help sort something, you can all listen to the 3 sides and work something out to please you all?

Good luck!

Tbh f it was me I would give the dc tea straight after school and then have them read for bed, having bathed them before 6:45 when your dh cones in.

Then I would get us all to sit to the table and have supper, so a snack ( instead of after school, so effectively swapping tea and supper found) for the dh and a meal for adults.

I would then take dc to bed and get dh to clear up table and kitchen etc.

I love the evening meal though so would be resident to miss this family time.

I do all the cooking at home so have had to direct dp to 'clearing up' otherwise he would leave this to me. I'm not doing all the work and make that clear.

Posters telling you to LTB are being ridiculous in my view.

I think posters giving the OP one more job "facilitator of relationships" are depressing.

Not her job, she already does too much. I honestly hate to think what your marriages must be like. Children don't need a relationship with someone who isn't interested in them. They really don't. I actually think the best thing the OP could do would be to change the schedule to suit her and start fucking off to the gym after her Dh gets home. Up to her if she wants to put them to bed first or if she wants to have her dh do it and risk them still being up because he's a twat.

Curious what the responses would be here if the sexes were reversed or the Op posted and said,

I want dh to leave the kid's dinner until I come home and then I want him to feed me and them and put them to bed so I can see them. I am a bit shit at kids so I'd like him to do it all himself. I go to the gym in the mornings to avoid them, that's all cool right?

What would the army wives and 50's housewives have to say then?

A gently worded chat with hubby and maybe with older 2 children present too, may help sort something, you can all listen to the 3 sides and work something out to please you all?

A gently worded chat? That will fix YEARS of uselessness and non-participation and selfishness? She can work out something to please them all...so more work for her, her job to please everyone, and he still has to do fuck all.

Christ this shit is depressing.

fava they might as well just split up then hadn't they really? As that's just two adults living seperate lives - rather than trying to sort shit out.

Well, if her "d"h isn't prepared to help out, then YES she might want to consider it. It's not her job to sort shit out. Why do you think it is? This isn't getting a divorce it's saying look, you have to do some fucking work as well. It leaves him to decide if he gives a shit about his family and step up. If not she'd be better off doing all the work 5 days a week and getting weekends off when he has to take care of them.

Sounds like he and the dcs actively dislike each other. Perhaps if you put them to bed before he gets home so they never see each other at all would make everyone feel better.

Or, failing that, he could get his head out of his nether regions and actually do something about his terrible relationship with his kids.

Which is basically what I've said???????? Some one has to make the first move to chang the situation as he isn't.

I can't see anywhere in my posts I've suggested otherwise... Weird

Maybe you should actually read people's posts fava rather than looking for a kick off.

Also there won't be a divorce as they are not married either.

Those of is saying ltb are saying so because he makes no effort to be a FATHER. Being a parent isn't just physical presence, it's making an effort emotionally and practically, making sacrifices for the benefit of your children... None of which he is doing! Plus he's leaving it ALL to his wife to do she must be exhausted!

He's not doing nothing, though, is he? He's getting up an hour early to go to the gym before work so that he can still get home in time to see the kids each day. And then he's at work all day, earning the money to keep a roof over all their heads and put the vexed dinner on the table day after day. And he's not uninterested in the kids - he's the one who's specifically objecting to not being able to see them during the working week. And in what sense is he leaving it all to his wife? When you have small kids a certain amount of division of labour goes on. At the moment he's doing the breadwinning and she's doing the homemaking. They're both hard work. It's not a competition. I could understand the outrage if he was spending all night in the pub and all weekend hanging out with his mates, but he's not (is he? did I miss that post?).

I think what's happening here is that both parents are very stretched coping with a busy family life including a child with SN and a baby. I think that each of them thinks their role is the most demanding. And I think that OP's DH has perhaps got into the habit of feeling that child-related stuff is OP's domain because she's 'better at it' or some such. I can see that it makes sense to OP to change the routine so it's easier for her, but he has specifically asked her not to and given a good reason for that request. I think that OP is overreacting a bit to that stumbling block, not surprisingly as she is probably tired and fed up, which is normal in the circumstances rather than a sign that their marriage is a shambles. I think all they need to do is talk it through and negotiate a compromise of some sort. LTB is a massively nuclear option in this situation.

I did read all the posts and your s basically tell her its her fault for "letting" her grown up husband get away with it.

Would you do nothing in your house if Dh let you get away with it? I wouldn't because I'm not an arsehole.

I'm saying she should please herself. It is not for her to make him understand he needs to do more.

No, I'm really not. But if that's how you want see it knock yourself out.

He doesn't pull his weight.

Op has accepted this for a long time as the status quo

If she wants to stay in this relationship -
They both have to look at their behaviours.

She needs to look at why she is being a pushover and be much stronger

He needs to pull his finger out of his arse.

its not for her to make him understand that he needs to do more - well your contradicting yourself there as in your post you say ' she needs to say Look you need to do some fucking work as well'

So what is it? Discuss what needs to change or go silent and start doing her own shit? (Which will make for a fantastic atmosphere at home won't it)

Most couple communicate, it's usually how things are sorted.

He's getting up an hour early to go to the gym before work so that he can still get home in time to see the kids each day. And then he's at work all day, earning the money to keep a roof over all their heads and put the vexed dinner on the table day after day.

I know plenty of single, childless people who get up, go to the gym, go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed. You would think that having three children, including a baby and a child with SN would entail a tiny bit more effort. But no, his wife does all of that.

OP, my DD preferred me for the first few years, would cry for me and so on. DH works a hard job and saw less of her than me. What turned things around was when we all had norovirus over Christmas one year. I was ill and DD was ill. DH took two vomiting, crying, screaming overnights with DD. He did everything, with good grace and patience. She was throwing up in her sleep.

After that DD and DH are total teammates. Because he came through. He was present and did the shitwork. And she knows that she can rely on him when the shit hits the fan.

Being a dad that can be trusted isn't about a certain number of minutes looking at them every evening. It's about stepping up and doing the crappy bits of parenting that matter to a child's well-being. Your DH doesn't want to look after his children's well-being. He doesn't care that they are tired, he doesn't keep his shit together when they are grumpy, annoying and contrary (about 50% of the time in our house).

MrsL - he doesn't want to reheat his dinner, that's why he doesn't want the DC to be fed at a time that actually meets their needs, rather than his. He does bollocks all with the DC when he's there. That's not because hes "being a breadwinner" that's him not being a real parent. OP could feed the DC earlier and he could then be actively involved with them in putting them to bed as soon as he comes in but no he doesn't want to actually do anything with/for his DC. He just wants his dinner served hot when he walks through the door and to snooze on the sofa whilst OP runs herself ragged looking after his DC and doing all evening housework.

Also he won't do anything with the DC in the mornings, even when he's on annual leave. The gym in the morning is just so he's got an excuse to do f'all then too.

I didn't say that at all. Though I am confused why you have chosen my posts to have a go at.

This isn't getting a divorce it's saying look, you have to do some fucking work as well.

That's what I said to you. I said her getting up and looking after herself is in itself saying "you need to do some work". Not she needs to say it. Or organise it. Or ask him very nicely with the help of an eight year old.

Yeah ok

So DD4 ended up sleeping until 11.15 this morning and is an absolute pleasure today. DD8 slept until 9 and baby DS was woken by DP leaving (or rather pressing his snooze button three times) at 6.30 so still not much sleep had for me but glad the older DC have caught up.

He does like to bleat out the 'you're so much better at it than me' line and tells me often that I'm amazing. It doesn't please me though, it just pisses me off because I don't have a choice - I have to be able to cope and do everything alone.

The DC dislike spending time with him to the extent that DD8 would rather sit watching me bath her brother than read or do anything with DP. DD4 hated him going to her at night so much that she asked me to put her drink and tissues in reach so if she needs them and I'm feeding DS she can sort herself rather than DP going in her room. He got back about an hour ago and the tears started within five minutes of him being home. He's already plonked DS down declaring he doesn't know what he wants and made dd8 by 'speaking to her rudely' (I didn't hear what he said/how he said it.) It's just like the harmony disappears as soon as he walks in and they all come flocking to me. I've popped out to buy tea bags and had to sneak out because otherwise they'd all be crying and asking to come. Dp thinks this is Normal behaviour and doesn't say anything about him

*made dd8 cry

The DC dislike spending time with him to the extent that DD8 would rather sit watching me bath her brother than read or do anything with DP. DD4 hated him going to her at night so much that she asked me to put her drink and tissues in reach so if she needs them and I'm feeding DS she can sort herself rather than DP going in her room

I find that really unusual OP. I know people where the father does very little but the children are still incredibly happy to see him. Even separated partners where the father can't be arsed to come visit the kids are desperate. He has to be really bad for the to actively dislike him. Ime absence definitely does make children's hearts grow fonder.