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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A message to the woman sleeping with my husband and about to introduce your kids to my kids

205 replies

mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:09

Please please think about it. Me and DH have been separated 6 months, you've been together 2 months. Making family introductions a) this soon after our separation and b) this soon after you've known each other is complete madness.
I know you're in the same place I was several years ago - he seems like the most amazing person you've ever met, you get each other, you connect blah blah.
You don't really know him yet. Slow down. My kids have been through alot recently. I'm sure your kids have too. There's no need to rush things. This is too soon.
Please.

OP posts:
TurnOffTheTv · 13/04/2016 20:11

Not her fault though is it surely? It's your husband who wants to introduce? Tell him you don't want him to.

WonkoTheSane42 · 13/04/2016 20:12

Do you think she's going to read this or something? Confused

Buzzardbird · 13/04/2016 20:12
Flowers
Original poster
mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:13

DH won't listen to reason. He's not a normal person. Very definitely narc

OP posts:
WonkoTheSane42 · 13/04/2016 20:14

Oh, well if your ex won't listen to you the obvious thing to do is to write a vague open letter on a public forum.

blankpieceofpaper · 13/04/2016 20:14

this is something that needs to be said to your husband ... or texted ... or emailed. Or a relative or friend for you. No-one else.

Original poster
mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:14

I don't know Wonko. Just a bit desparate really. Worried about my kids being put in this situation. Worried about her and putting her own kids in this situation. Quite a random appeal I guess

OP posts:
ChocolateBiscuitCake · 13/04/2016 20:14

Not saying you are being unreasonable per se, but...

When you meet a wonderful man, which I am sure you will, when would you like him to meet your kids?

It's difficult, I appreciate but whatever you say to ex DH make sure you are happy to follow the same, should he choose to insist out of principal.

Flowers
arandomname · 13/04/2016 20:15

YANBU Flowers

Original poster
mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:17

Have suggested to DH he take things a bit slower, wait a bit longer. If it's serious, a few more weeks won't hurt. But so soon after they've had to deal with our separation? New homes, shared care etc. And now a new family to deal with? It's quite alot for kids to take on

OP posts:
Trills · 13/04/2016 20:19

You may want to stop referring to him as "My husband".

Stopping saying it will help you to stop thinking it.

Heartbroken4 · 13/04/2016 20:21

Let her vent.

Flowers
Vaara · 13/04/2016 20:23

I get that this is all very raw and painful for you.

However you need to find a way to disattach from your ex.

He has equal rights to you to make decisions for his kids. You can speak to him and try to open a conversation about what is best for your kids, but you can't force him to agree with you or do things your way.

If he feels this is best then you need to support your children through it.

FWIW, I don't think introducing your kids to your partners kids after 2 months is necessarily a bad thing.

Original poster
mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:27

Referring to him as 'my husband' was just to make a point really about how quickly this is all happening. We've not started divorce proceedings yet.
I'm not sure what I was hoping to achieve really. I'm not jealous, he really is a despicable bully and narcissist. His swift movement on to another single mum with young kids to continue to feed his narc ego is further proof of that.
I'm genuinely worried for my kids, for her, and for her kids.
I've been in the exact same situation (exept he hadn't recently separated when we met), and am fairly sure it will be history repeating itself. If there were no kids involved, I really wouldn't give a toss. But there are. And some of them are mine.

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 13/04/2016 20:29

Wow, some really supportive posts on here for a woman having a hard time... Hmm

OP, YANBU - only on AIBU would anyone think this was an appropriate way to treat children who have just been through the trauma of a separation. Ignore the weirdos.

MsJamieFraser · 13/04/2016 20:33

YABU however understandably so, you cannot tell him what he does or does not do when he has his kids, and ditto he with you.

I think you should be referring to him as your STBEH (soon to be ex husband)

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 20:34

Your 'open letter' is addressed to the wrong person. The only person you need to talk to is your ex husband. Flowers

Nibbl3s · 13/04/2016 20:34

Is this to the OW or strangers on the internet?

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 13/04/2016 20:34

Yanbu and I would be fuming and upset if my ex thought he was going to introduce someone to our children after two months and we've been separated for 5 years!

You're right your children need time to process everything after all they've had no say in any of this so still have to get used to how much their lIves have changed. I don't understand people who put their love life above their children in this way. Good for him if he's happy with someone but they can be happy together at other times and not rush your children into it

ClopySow · 13/04/2016 20:35

Sorry OP. Fucking shite deal. I'd be venting like fuck in your shoes.

Ignore arsey posters.

Johnny5isAlive · 13/04/2016 20:37

YANBUFlowers

grapejuicerocks · 13/04/2016 20:38

I understand where you are coming from. It'd be a long time before i introduced anyone to my kids, no matter how amazing I thought he was.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 13/04/2016 20:39

STBXH. Soon to be ex husband. Take the ownership of that, OP, find some freedom in being released from him being your husband.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Vent here, protect yourself and your children Flowers

WhatHo · 13/04/2016 20:42

For god's sake Wonko et al, if the OP wants to write her sadness down, let her! Not everything has to have a definable a-z reason!

YANBU, but if it helps at all... children are tougher than you think. I haven't been there but a good friend has, and her children bumped through it. Not perfectly by any means, but a year later everyone is still in one piece emotionally. Her included, and it was an absolute bolt from the blue for her that her DH had met someone else.

andintothefire · 13/04/2016 20:42

YANBU. It sounds a little bit irresponsible to me. You have a good idea of what your children are ready for, and I agree that 6 months after a separation is probably going to feel very soon for them. From your posts you sound very reasonable, and obviously concerned for your children rather than being jealous of your ex's new girlfriend.

I hope your ex listens to you and realises that you have genuine concerns about how your children will feel. Introducing them to other children is just going to be even more confusing to them - they will have a huge amount to process and it is not fair to rush a meeting in this situation.

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