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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A message to the woman sleeping with my husband and about to introduce your kids to my kids

205 replies

mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:09

Please please think about it. Me and DH have been separated 6 months, you've been together 2 months. Making family introductions a) this soon after our separation and b) this soon after you've known each other is complete madness.
I know you're in the same place I was several years ago - he seems like the most amazing person you've ever met, you get each other, you connect blah blah.
You don't really know him yet. Slow down. My kids have been through alot recently. I'm sure your kids have too. There's no need to rush things. This is too soon.
Please.

OP posts:
Original poster
mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:43

Thank you for understanding messages. I am just trying to protect my kids. I am also incredibly glad to be free of STBXH/STBEH whatever it is. He is seriously bad news. I've asked him to wait longer (if it's serious, it won't do any harm to wait etc), but he insists that it's none of my business, makes out its about me (which it really really isn't) and I don't know what else to do to protect my kids.
There is some small part of me that hopes that someone who knows someone in a situation like this might just suggest that waiting a bit longer would be a good thing, for all the kids concerned

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 13/04/2016 20:44

I came to the thread full of sympathy but you are separated so it isn't really cheating in the way it would be if you were still together so she isn't really doing anything wrong.

I appreciate it's very raw, but these are the kinds of things you will need to come to terms with. I'm sorry Flowers

Lemonblast · 13/04/2016 20:49

Ignore the GFs OP.

Hurts like hell. He is an idiot. She is an idiot. And together they are a pair of selfish morons.

The best that you can hope for is that underneath all that, she IS a decent person who will be kind to your children.
In the meantime, you will continue to be their rock, their stability and their consistent place to return to whilst Romeo and Juliet play happy families.

Flowers
PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 20:49

And:

To all the posters making snide remarks.

Stop being ducks.

livewyre · 13/04/2016 20:51

She's not 'the woman sleeping with your husband', though, is she? She's his girlfriend now, and he's broken the marriage vows. I know it sucks.

Unfortunately, you can't control who your ex introduces your(and his) kids to during his time with them.

Concentrate on what you can control (divorcing the shit out of him), and let go of what you can't (his behaviour and him being a dickhead).

usual · 13/04/2016 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/04/2016 20:53

I see why your concerned and I would not like to be in your shoes but I truly think that they will go ahead and do what the hell they want anyway regardless of your wishes.

If you have been apart six months he could have been seeing her that long and just introducing the kids now so that is one way to look at it.

Flowers
PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 20:56

OMG!

I've always thought STBXH stood for SHOOT THE BASTARD EX HUSBAND!

So many posts I read make much more sense now!

Blush
ClopySow · 13/04/2016 20:56

There is probably nothing you can do other than make sure there's consistency and stability at your end.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/04/2016 20:57

It sounds as if your marriage was over a lot longer before you actually separated so in his my your soon to be ex DH thinks it's perfectly ok to date again.

Really let him and her do their worst, protect your kids best you can and go about your life as normal. Then, when you meet a lovely man and their relationship is on the rocks you can have the last laugh.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 20:57

SHOOT THE BASTARD EX HUSBAND

Bold fail.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/04/2016 20:58

In his mind sorry....

livewyre · 13/04/2016 20:59

Haha, I thought it was "Stupid the bastard exhusband". paulanka, are you prone to shooting? Wink

Dutchess61 · 13/04/2016 20:59

Moving to "relationships" might help op.

hmcAsWas · 13/04/2016 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 21:02

livewyre well...

Buzzardbird · 13/04/2016 21:02

Report your post op and ask them in the comments to move it to relationships. You'll get a nicer and more understanding response there. Flowers

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 21:02

Helluva shot with a nerf...

Skittlesss · 13/04/2016 21:02

Hope you're ok, OP. Don't think this is really a message for her, more you getting out how you feel.

Things will be hard but at least you're free of him now as he doesn't sound like he would do you any good.

Concentrate on yourself and your kids and the rest will come together. Let him know how you feel, but really I don't think you can stop him if he has made up his mind to do this.

Flowers
fastdaytears · 13/04/2016 21:04

Is this to the OW or strangers on the internet?

Doesn't sound like she was the OW if the OP and STBXH were separated for months before they got together.

Love the alternative acronym though.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/04/2016 21:04

Op I apologise for my sudden realisation on what the stbxh abbreviation means on this thread. I agree with those saying get this moved to Relationships. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2016 21:04

This woman is his girlfriend. She's not 'the woman sleeping with your husband' AKA The Other Woman. I think that's the first thing you need to acknowledge. The second thing is that she is making the decisions with regards to her own children and your STBX. It may not be the decision you or I would make, but it is her decision.

As far as your children go, all you can do is try to make this as easy on them as possible. STBX is correct when he says it's his decision as to when he introduces a GF to the children. Again, it isn't what you or I would do, but it's out of your hands. Just remain 'neutral' to the children. Try to be pleasant and not say anything negative about her or the situation. Don't probe for information. I'm not sure the ages of your children, but just a bland 'that's nice, dear' to anything they say should probably suffice.

I'm not sure what you think you need to 'protect' the children from. They know that you and their father aren't living together. Depending on their ages they will have seen and heard from their friends with divorced parents that those parents date and/or have 'significant others'. Coming from a 'broken home' and having divorced parents who date are not the rare or 'stigmatizing' things they were years ago. If you remain calm and matter of fact that will be the best way of 'protecting' them. If you offer 'sympathy' or say 'oh I know you must be sad' you'll create problems where none really exist. Children are pretty resilient little creatures and usually have a way of putting things in their own perspectives.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 13/04/2016 21:05

This place is getting worse.

YANBU Flowers

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/04/2016 21:06

I'm disgusted and appauled at some of the ridiculously unsupportive replies on here.

YNBU. You don't wish them any happined and quite frankly. Why should you.

fastdaytears · 13/04/2016 21:07

Across is so right.

By all means move to relationships but you'll still be told that your title suggests that you don't accept that he is STBXH not your husband and that she is his girlfriend, not just someone he's shagging