A message to the woman sleeping with my husband and about to introduce your kids to my kids

[mojoawol]

Please please think about it. Me and DH have been separated 6 months, you've been together 2 months. Making family introductions a) this soon after our separation and b) this soon after you've known each other is complete madness.
I know you're in the same place I was several years ago - he seems like the most amazing person you've ever met, you get each other, you connect blah blah.
You don't really know him yet. Slow down. My kids have been through alot recently. I'm sure your kids have too. There's no need to rush things. This is too soon.
Please.

I would limit contact, some people say not morally right, but my children come first and if visiting their dad in a new situation would hurt them in any way then i would limit contact. I wouldn't do it to be mean or difficult but i would if i truly thought my kids would be hurt.
op sounds very reasonable and the stbxh she has said was narc so i would totally protect my kids from his behaviour.

Op yanbu and the hoady posters are complete douchetittwatbags.

If the op is genuinely trying to appeal to this woman's better instincts, I suggest a thread titled "to the woman sleeping with my husband....." is probably not the best way to go about it. In fact, it kind of comes across as petty and jealous in the op's part.

If the op is genuinely trying to appeal to this woman's better instincts, I suggest a thread titled "to the woman sleeping with my husband....." is probably not the best way to go about it. In fact, it kind of comes across as petty and jealous in the op's part.

I'm pretty shocked that people would advise witholding contact.

He has a girlfriend. He's being a twat by introducing them too early, but it's not grounds for cutting contact.

How old are the kids, op?

Why not ask if you can meet up with her first, just to clear the air?

I have to say it's way, way too soon. I got shot down for saying earlier that 10 months was too soon but, how can you be sure after such a short length of time. I think he's being an arse but, must agree the title of the thread is very misleading. Have you had any help in getting over him as it sounds like you're struggling to move on? Hope you find your feet soon

Posters suggesting the OP withhold contact are utterly unreasonable. Which do people genuinely think will hurt the children more - being introduced to dad's new GF with whom they may actually get on and go on to form a relationship? Or their mother using them to manipulate their father into what she wants him to do?

The OP is not unreasonable for thinking that this is too soon to introduce a new gf to the children. But the answer is not using the children to make that point. How exactly do people propose that the op explain to the children that they can't see daddy any more? Parents who willfully withhold contact are responsible for damaging those children. You simply cannot use children to manipulate situations to your advantage.

What happens then when the OP meets a new partner and the dad decides not to return them because he doesn't agree that the OP should introduce a new man to his children? People who suggest such utterly ridiculous courses of action just don't think them through at all.

Are not the op's children alone. It's not just up to the OP to decide what is and isn't good for her children.

And it's always worth bearing in mind that what we think may hurt them can be very subjective. The children may be upset. But it's equally possible that they may not be. The best way for OP to react in this situation is to appeal to her h's better judgement, but if this is not possible, then to keep an open mind, and open door for the children to talk to her if they want, but also to be open to the possibility that the children may in fact adapt to this new situation more quickly than the OP has been able to.

Chlobee The point is that if OP handles this particular situation calmly and doesn't over-involve the children she will minimize the potential trauma. Of course divorce is hard on children, even adult children, I never meant to imply that it wasn't. But keeping the children out of as much of this whirlwind as possible is all one can do. And since OP's STBX isn't going to, then she must. And that means treating this new GF as (for lack of better words) 'just a new person in Dad's life'. Of course she is more than that, but if OP can remain calm and treat it as matter of fact, the children will be better placed to absorb the situation. Cutting contact or berating the STBX because of this new GF isn't going to help the situation. All the children will get from that is that Mummy is angry, they can't see Daddy, and this new person must be to blame. It's best for all if the adults can be, well, adult about this.

I've seen divorce situations where emotions were flung around and negative words were spoken. And I've seen divorce situations where the parties were able to contain themselves for the sake of the children. I'm merely suggesting that OP choose the second of those options as that's the best way to to help the children through this.

OP, you sound like you are trying to be reasonable and it sounds like you are the only parent who is!

Know this and realise you cannot change it! Keep strong for your children and keep coming here for support as and when you need it!

They should not be doing this but they will! You can make it on for your children and I know you will!

MammaTJ
"OP, you sound like you are trying to be reasonable and it sounds like you are the only parent who is!"

"A message to the woman sleeping with my husband....."

Yeah, that's really reasonable.

The 'Being reasonable' comment is referring to how the OP seems to be handling the situation in 'RL'.

She can say what she wants here on this thread. The woman IS sleeping with her husband technically. For her own sake it would be better to detach mentally than that phrase suggests - but that's already been said and the OP acknowledged as much.

Anything actually supportive to say irish? Or just digs?

The thread title is deliberately loaded and indicates to me that her motivation is as much to do with jealousy over her stbxh's new relationship as it is with genuine concern about who her children do or do not meet.

If her open letter is supposed to be addressed to this "ow", don't you think that woman would look at the thread title and think "fuck you anyway"? It's a deliberately provocative thread title and makes the op's subsequent "oh I'm just trying to look out for both of our children" shtick come across as utterly disingenuous.

I understand how you feel OP. I've been there, I can't tell you just how much I've been there in fact.... But you must try not to let yourself dwell on thoughts such as: her discovering your ex's true personality. It's as if you believe, in the back of your mind, that when that happens you'll get him back! Please don't. Let them be and trust that your children are important to your ex. Waiting for a few weeks won't make a difference. Your children's experience of this is different to your own.

Please try not to cling on to the past, I know it's really difficult and that it wasn't long ago you split, but it is history now. That's how you have to see it. Don't blame yourself or him, or his partner, is my advice, you were part of something that didn't work out -- and that's that. It's in the past..Your children's and your own well-being is all that matters now. The future will bring sanity and happiness with it, let it happen. Be positive and keep try to keep busy.

Sorry to talk about myself here - but it might help. I got involved in charity work when this happened to me. I'm still at it , when I can and it changed my life. To be part of something that's bigger than yourself and benefits others means that your own problems seem so small and insignificant in contrast. It got me through it all and I met someone!!!

Life goes on...

How sensitive and understanding of you IrishDad!

Why can't you say who he has around your children? Yanbu in my eyes aslong as there is a breath left in my body I would fight to not have people I was not comfortable with around my children. My seripus advice is dont allow it! You gave birth to them your rules if you are not happy you dont even need to explain your self to anyone do what you feel is right.

Jealousy? About not wanting some random other women around her children, before divorce proceedings have even started from a mums site im generally dissapointed and upset by the responses you have recieved you deserved more as I think what you have written is true and very fair but aimed at the wrong person. Tell him no end of. Imo it's nothing to do with the other women this is about a man not thinking about his children.

Yanbu

However, if she's happy to go along with this then I say she's probably like him. Happy to jump inn with both feet at any cost.

I personally think more along your lines.

The 'think about me' bit is a bit daft though as your own ex is oblivious to your thoughts she's hardly going to be your cheerleader in this.

My DH had an affair for a year before he left (and I conceived and gave birth to our baby in that year!) He introduced his then GF (later DW) about 2 weeks after he left us. I was furious, threatened all sorts, etc etc. You know what, they loved her and twenty years on, still do- even though she's now an XW.

In the whole trauma of their dad leaving and our world being blown apart, meeting their dad's new partner was minor really.

I don't think you should ever stop a child from seeing a safe, loving parent, no matter how much of a plonker they are. Their ideas might be different, but as a parent, they have a right to that.

I was chatting last night to my family about what wonderful, caring, funny and clever young men my nephews have grown up to be.

As young boys, they went through all this crap and more. My brother and his ex handled their break up atrociously, with open warfare and new partners all over the shop.

But dust settles, and as long as the kids are loved by everyone involved I think generally it'll probably be fine. I know it's easy for me to say, but when everybody has moved on and raw pain has healed, this kind of set up is really pretty normal.

summerdreams They are not her children, they are their children, and any discussion has to start with that.

Our Victorian predecessors thought that he who begot the child owned the child and you are as wrong as they were.

YANBU to think it's way too soon for your kids to meet the new girlfriend. It is. There's no way they'll have processed your break up yet and are probably hopeful you'll get back together. Also, they've only been going out 2 months - not exactly a long term relationship is it - I've always thought you should only bring your kids into it if it was long term and likely to last the distance otherwise what message are you sending to your kids about relationships?

As WhatHo says, this is an open forum, write whatever you like! But probably wouldn't refer to her in 'real life' as the woman who's sleeping with your husband - it's a bit derogatory and makes her sound like some shagnasty sl*t messing around with an otherwise happily married man. From what you say (and you've obviously got empathy for her), she's as much a victim of this tosspot as you are. Take this up with him - not her- appeal to him to be a grown up if he can manage it! Good luck!

My ExH introduced OW to DD 3days after he moved out. In the last 4 years his love life has been complex and he has embroiled DD in every part of it. I quickly learnt to be calm and not judgemental.

I just support DD in this manner she has now made her own decisions about her Dad and at times refuses to see him.
To your children and the world you need to be a swan whatever is going on under the surface.

I would limit contact, some people say not morally right

like to see you argue that one in court.

YANBU.

What is with all these "don't you understand the RULES OF AIBU?!!" posters? Let her vent. Don't read if you're not interested.

You've got the best and worst of mumsnet commenting here OP, I just hope you let the unsupportive ones go straight over your head and focus solely on the ones who are actually trying to understand your situation and give you some advice. Lots of people are giving you good advice.

I think it's pretty obvious that you weren't actually hoping to reach your husband's new gf directly with this post, you're just venting, so ignore those saying it's inflammatory or whatever - how can it be if she won't see it? I also don't think you sound jealous or petty as one particularly helpful PP has suggested - to me you just sound very hurt and worried. 6 months is too soon for a man (or woman) to leave and give up on the marriage to the point where he's got a new woman. To me, 6 months down the line you should still hopefully be looking for a resolution (providing there's no abuse etc which you haven't suggested) so I can completely understand that you are hurt that he's moved on already. That's a valid and completely normal way to feel so don't let anybody make you feel like a jealous ex because of it.

RE the kids, he's put you in a really shitty situation. This is too much too soon. If he's only been with her for 2 months, he doesn't know her well enough to be sure she will still be there in another 2 months. He sounds selfish and impulsive. However, withholding contact is going to make things potentially difficult down the line and I wouldn't advise it. All you can do is talk to your children, prepare them (because he won't have thought to do this I don't suppose) and listen to their concerns if they raise any. None of us know your children, so only you will know the best way to handle this with them. You could also try (calmly) appealing to his better side but this will mean him pulling his head out of his own backside for long enough to have the conversation.

Good luck, and remember that this is temporary and it will pass. You'll be happy again