A message to the woman sleeping with my husband and about to introduce your kids to my kids

[mojoawol]

Please please think about it. Me and DH have been separated 6 months, you've been together 2 months. Making family introductions a) this soon after our separation and b) this soon after you've known each other is complete madness.
I know you're in the same place I was several years ago - he seems like the most amazing person you've ever met, you get each other, you connect blah blah.
You don't really know him yet. Slow down. My kids have been through alot recently. I'm sure your kids have too. There's no need to rush things. This is too soon.
Please.

If he's got p.r. it's not straightforward to take it away - and will involve the court which is bad news for all concerned.

You don't have to answer this, obviously, but can I ask why you moved out?

Was it entirely your choice and decision?

(I'm asking nicely, I promise, not judging).

OP said he's trying to bully her into giving parental rights

I thought it seemed like he was bullying her over parental rights as an extension of being the primary carer in the family home Clopy.
I just wondered if it was her independent choice to leave, as it's not usual for the mum to move out.

Let's turn this around then:

"Me and DH split six months ago and he moved out of the family home leaving the DC with me including DSD. About two months ago I started seeing someone else, it's going really well, and we have talked about introducing the DC. My dh has been referring to my BF as "the man sleeping with my wife," and is adamant he doesn't want the DC to meet him or his DC."

The only point which posters would agree on would be the point where introducing the children after two months is too soon. Everything else the posters would be saying that he had moved out of the family home, that the relationship was over, and that referring to the OP's new BF as "the man sleeping with my wife," was designed to bully and intimidate, that he was clearly an abusive arse, and that while the Op should think twice before introducing children so soon, she should ignore the STBX on all other points.

On the point that two months is too soon I sort of agree, although every situation is different, and there have been plenty of posters who have experience that meeting the new partner isn't necessarily all bad for the children.

On all the other points though the op appears to be being entirely disingenuous. She has moved out of the family home and has left her children, one of whom is not biologically her dh's with him. He has developed a new relationship (which is his right) but she is referring to the new GF as "the woman sleeping with my husband," the husband she has left with her children, has described his entering a new relationship as his "neediness," and is upset that he wants PR for the child she has left with him. The child which she admits he has essentially raised as his own.

And the fact that the OP was the one who left, and left her children behind was a bit of a convenient drip-feed.

Op did you feel forced to move out? This man sounds very controlling. If you are having panic attacks something is going badly wrong. Please ignore the nasty messages and come back and give us the full story so we can support you. I think you badly need to get some very very good legal representation otherwise he will replace you and you will be painted as abandoning your children in the courts. The introduction of the girlfriend seems to me to be the least of your worries and I think your energy should be spent reestablishing yourself as the primary carer, which I think is what you want to happen. He sounds like a narcissistic bully.

WannaBe, at some point I hope you will find the time to refit your empathy chip.
Can we expect that anytime soon??

Ok, so let's be clear (WannaBe), I didn't move out and abandon my kids. I moved out as I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on that house, didn't want to stay in the house that he had chosen, was too big, and holds too many memories of his bullying. Fresh start and all that.
The plan was always to have 50/50 - even this I didn't want to, I wanted my kids primarily with me. However, as I said before, ex already has 50/50 of his DD, he is also a divorce lawyer, so has the upper hand in that sense. We gave my DS the option of what he wanted to do (he's 11) and he wanted to have 50/50. This in itself hurt like hell, but I understand its important to him to have that father figure, and to continue to be a part of that family set up.
He has certainly not been raising anyone on his own. Throughout our marriage, I was always the one doing the lion's share of childcare, cooking, drudgery etc (which makes it all the more ironic that he was so keen to have 50/50 once we split as he never came close to this when we were together).
This is all about how he is seen. He loves to be seen in almost the sort of light Wannabe has painted. The single dad raising 3 kids on his own. One of whose isn't even his bio DS.
He bullies them too, another reason why I'm in this state.
The reason ex wants PR of my DS is because he is living with him 50/50 and, as he says, 'it's the right and proper thing to do'. I posted on here previously about this, with very mixed responses also.
I appreciate that my OP was a bit overly dramatic and, in hindsight, I should have done it differently. Cry for help maybe.
I want the older kids to speak to a family therapist (we've spoken to her before, the kids have met her and she understands the situation), and think it might be helpful for them. Ex refusing to allow it.
Yes, I do feel very helpless, it has made me ill, I need to get my strength back, and, as so many kind people have said, remain the strong, stable one for my kids.
Thank you everyone who has posted kind, and helpful messages.

Just re-read my previous post and realise it could have appeared that I'd moved out and abandoned them. Hopefully latest one clarifies a little.

I don't know what to say, I can't help at all, but I'm wishing you all the best will that I can

I don't know which topic to suggest for better advice but hopefully somebody can point you in the right direction.
Stay strong, even though it feels impossible at the moment xx

I think you should move back in and turf the husband out and get a very good solicitor. it might start 50/50 but the one who keeps the marital home usually keeps the children.

Also re the new woman he'll want her introduced quickly so she can take over where you left off as domestic servant/sex thing. That is why they want new women introduced to a partner early on so she can do the washing and cleaning etc. It's classic.

OP, your last post clarifies more the position you're in. The one before that appeared somewhat as if you'd moved out and left the kids in the family home, coupled with your thread title didn't paint the situation in a great light, which is why I came to the conclusion I did - apologies. .

Firstly, you need to re-frame your position of having moved out and left the kids in the marital home. In truth you've moved out, but someone has to be the one to leave, and if you have 50/50 residency of the DC, then there's no reason why your house isn't as much their home as the one they shared with you and their dad.

The reality is that children attach far less value to something which is the family home than we as adults do. The value they hold is to the people who give them the most security and stability, and while at the moment that house may hold some value for them, as it changes, and if your ex ends up moving another woman and possibly even children in, the dynamic of that house will change anyway.

In my case I was the one who moved out, and me and eXH had 50/50 as well. But in truth DS spends far more time here than he does at XH's. And eXH now has a new partner, a stepdaughter and a baby, that house no longer represents the family home that we shared - iyswim.

WRT your STBX introducing another woman into the equation, I wouldn't say anything if he's not up for discussion on the matter. In truth there's nothing you can do really, so saying something to him is only going to add to your own sense of frustration. Instead try to channel that energy into being there for the DC, and making your house their home. On many levels you are in a fortunate position wrt your DS, because he is eleven and therefore able to make his own decisions, so if he doesn't like the set-up with the new woman then he will be able to vote with his feet and stay at yours more. I don't recall how old your youngest is, but again, if you are there for them to listen non judgementally, then in time they will make their own decisions, and opinions.

The PR element is difficult, because on the one hand I can see why it is relevant given that DS lives with eXH 50/50, but on the other hand, given he is about to make significant changes to his own set-up, I wouldn't be looking to change anything your end, that way if DS does react negatively to a new woman and children in his life, you will in fact be able to take back the control and enable him to stay with you.

Thanks Wannabe, and glad we cleared that up!
Yes, it was hard being the one to leave, but have and continue to do my best to make kids feel this is their home. And I think they were ok-ish with getting used to the two homes - although as I said earlier, ongoing concerns about how they're coping with ex's behaviour.
We agreed a few weeks ago that I would give him PR (on basis of agreed parenting plan - which included taking kids to see professionals if necessary). I was also not made aware that there was already someone else on the scene at the time of agreeing.
We haven't yet signed it, and bearing in mind this new situation, am I within my rights to change my mind? Prob need to speak to solicitor

I would speak to solicitor. but if you've not signed it then you're not obliged to.

How does your DS feel about 50/50 now that the arrangement is actually in place? It's one thing wanting that arrangement at the beginning, quite another actually going through with it and then getting used to juggling the two houses. Given he isn't XH's biological child, and XH has no parental responsibility for him, he is still in fact free to change his mind on where he does and doesn't want to be. Do you think that perhaps his thoughts are different now?

Well, this is part of the issue. DS is clearly uncomfortable talking about things, even with me (he's an 11 yr old boy, I think that's understandable), and I'm very conscious of not trying to hassle him, or project anything. However, he has been upset in my company a couple of times, about ex being shouty, or not listening, or forcing him to do something he doesn't want to (not being able to go to football matches, making him do piano lessons or similar).
This was why we had talked (with the counsellor) about the option of the kids coming to see her on their own - even before all this stuff with new GF.
I think he might feel more comfortable opening up with counsellor, and with DSD there too. I know that, especially as ex doesn't yet have PR, I can get him to go anyway, but I don't want him to feel singled out, and would prefer DSD go also (both I and her mum feel she might be struggling a bit).
I could talk DSD's mum into sending them both without ex's knowledge, but think this could just open a can of issues about going behind his back.

Jesus op you need to put the brakes on this quick. Your ds is telling you this man, who is not his bio dad is bullying him. You yourself say he is s bully why are you even considering giving him PR?

You should of stayed in the house and forced a sale. I'd move back in. Get a lawyer ASAP. This guy knows what he is going and is going to leave with nothing not even your own kids.

Why are your alarm bells not going mental ?

Totally agree with Ciggarette. You need a lawyer NOW. Don't sign anything at all. Wait until you have a clear idea of how to proceed.

You poor thing, I'm not surprised you're experiencing panic.

Try to keep calm. Please see a lawyer as soon as you are able.

Are the children old enough to ask if they want to meet her children? They may not feel ready for it or they might just be ok with it?If they are not OK with it then you need to tell both of them. If I were in your shoes I would not like it at all, but that is me.

I totally agree with cigarette. My mouth dropped to the floor when you said he's a divorce lawyer. I've heard there's nothing worse than a narcissistic divorce lawyer as your adversary. I don't know if your solicitor will suffice on this one. Please take every precaution to ensure he isn't pulling the wool over your eyes to then paint you as a neurotic or some such. You may need to consider getting a decent lawyer and fast if you don't want to be shafted. As you said, first port of call, speak to your solicitor and see what advice they give as to how to tackle this man.

And you have a right o move back in until you are divorced and have sorted out finances. That might put the breaks on his cosy little love nest with his new woman if you move back in.

Ok so others are saying deffo a lawyer to go up against a lawyer. I've never been in a position to need a divorce lawyer so I would say others know best. Moving back in and/or forcing the sale of the house could be a good option. In any case as the woman with the lesser income, I would not have moved out. I do though understand your reasoning op. Would you consider moving back in op? That way you could access all of the documents you are going to need: pay slips, share certificates, bank account details etc. Because if he is that much of a worm, he's going to squirrel as much info away as possible.

Having read the recent replies, I agree.

Move back in, if you can't afford to remain there with the kids then force a sale as part of the divorce agreement.

Definitely get a legal representative ASAP.

Don't leave the house without court ordered agreements in place, and don't sign over anything, especially parental responsibility.

If you grit your teeth and move back in, you could be a total arse and not pay any bills (as I have known many STBEH to do, which have financially crippled my friends) and you can use that money for lawyer. My friends had to plod on paying the bills.

op if you get one thing out of this - make sure it's your kids. Going back in to the house will make things look better, even if you don't want to live there forever. This bloke is going to paint you in the light that you left those kids and he is the dutiful dad plodding along - even taking on your child that's not his. You even said it yourself.

Is there any possibility that him and new woman have actually been together much longer and a really having an affair? For them to want to merge families so quick? He would know as a lawyer that it would have to have been kept very quiet as it would effect divorce.

Have you got 50/50 of the kids now??

Op, you need to seek legal advice before even considering moving back in.

Leaving the marital home may affect your entitlement to stay there, although tbh there are no guarantees on that score anyway, but the asset remains the same - and you would still be entitled to whatever portion of the FMH without having to be living there.

And even if the new woman no longer comes round to the house, he could still take the children to her's to meet them. And he could potentially get an occupation order to prevent the OP from moving back in. Remember he is a divorce lawyer, he can self represent and make things difficult, whereas OP has to be able to afford to fight this.

It's incredibly difficult having to live with an ex post split, and me and my ex were actually very amicable at the time between the actual split and me moving out. Also I moved into the spare room which meant we had separate sleeping space etc. No way could I have spent months on the couch for instance.

Whether he was having an affair with this woman is irrelevant anyway. It makes no difference to any divorce, assuming the divorce will be on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. OP could file for adultery anyway on the basis the relationship started within six months of the separation, but it wouldn't make a difference to any settlement etc, it only makes a difference to the wording on the divorce petition.

Ok does he have any documented evidence of you agreeing to move our? Emails, texts, voicemails, solicitors letters. You may need to fight dirty so keep all angles covered.