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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A message to the woman sleeping with my husband and about to introduce your kids to my kids

205 replies

mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:09

Please please think about it. Me and DH have been separated 6 months, you've been together 2 months. Making family introductions a) this soon after our separation and b) this soon after you've known each other is complete madness.
I know you're in the same place I was several years ago - he seems like the most amazing person you've ever met, you get each other, you connect blah blah.
You don't really know him yet. Slow down. My kids have been through alot recently. I'm sure your kids have too. There's no need to rush things. This is too soon.
Please.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 13/04/2016 21:08

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 13/04/2016 21:08

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Eeyore86 · 13/04/2016 21:09

I get where your coming from OP but in my case it was my (hopefully though process not started yet) stbxsil who introduced her new boyfriend within a month of her and my brother splitting up (in her case he relationship had been going on before my DBro found out)

I don't get why people are in such a rush to introduce their children to new boyfriends/girlfriends especially as at this stage it's too early to be considered a partner and no one knows of the relationship is going to last (in my stbxsil case it's been 3 months since my DBro left) surely it's better to wait a longer period of time before introducing the children as they are the ones that suffer in the long run

DixieNormas · 13/04/2016 21:09

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WannaBe · 13/04/2016 21:09

OP, it's ok to vent. However what I would suggest is:

Start referring to him as your ex. It doesn't even need to be soon-to-be ex, you're not together any more, the marriage at this stage is there by legal definition only, separate that in your head - for your own benefit.

Secondly, whatever your own feelings are, make this a positive thing for your children. That may sound all wrong, but the reality is that if you are positive about their dad finding happiness and their ability to form a relationship with this woman and her children, they will feel permitted to form a positive relationship with her, but equally importantly, feel able to talk to you about their feelings.

And while they may not be happy and may in fact be unsettled, it's equally possible that they may feel ok and may adapt quickly. Children are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

MingZillas · 13/04/2016 21:10

Proper shit situation OP, I'm sorry you have this worry Flowers

fastdaytears · 13/04/2016 21:10

whatyousay why do you think this was an affair? Have I missed something?

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2016 21:10

Flowers There is nothing that scares me more than the idea of my DC being hurt. I understand entirely. For your sake I hope STBXH is suddenly drafted to the Arctic for a few months or the OW has an epiphany and runs a mile.

dynevoran · 13/04/2016 21:11

Yanbu at all. And definitely not unreasonable to vent. I have no experience to advise but Flowers

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 13/04/2016 21:13

Would you have listened to an ex of his when you first met your ex ??

DixieNormas · 13/04/2016 21:13

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CalleighDoodle · 13/04/2016 21:13

Actually he is her husband because they are married and have not even started divorce proceedings. So he is far from a soon-to-be anything.

She wont care about what you say about him because she believes his fake side. Hence the rush.

ohtheholidays · 13/04/2016 21:20

OP YANBU,your being so kind to be worried about the other lady's children you really are. Flowers

Honestly if he won't listen then I wouldn't let him take the DC anywhere for a while you are completely right and he is so so wrong.

When I met my DH I already had 4DC,my DH was single and so was I,my DH didn't have any children of his own but we still waited to introduce him to the DC for the DC's sakes and he was in total agreement about waiting to introduce them to each other.

Original poster
mojoawol · 13/04/2016 21:25

Kids have seen me upset a couple of times, but I've tried to manage it by just saying I feel a bit sad. Very conscious of not projecting too much, and being calm and stable for them. Don't think it's totally unreasonable for them to see some form of emotion and sadness though.
TBH, some of it is about the knotted feeling in myself. Again, it's not jealousy of him, a little bit about feeling thrown away and replaced so quickly (normal break up stuff), but doing all that whilst also ensuring the kids are ok in all this.
It's all very hard, and makes me anxious about how it's going to affect our co-parenting moving forward. I was hoping that we could all get take some time to get used to the separated situation for a while. This is all about him and his needs.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 13/04/2016 21:26

OP has said in her OP that she and eXH have been separated for six months and he and GF have been together for two. Therefore she isn't the OW. Whatever people think about introductions to children it's unfair to brand the GF the OW.

FWIW views on when to introduce children are very mixed even on MN with some people being of the view that it is actually ok to introduce children relatively early as a year is a long time to invest in a relationship which may not work out with children in the mix. It also depends on the ages of the children.

The introduction is only relevant really if this relationship doesn't work out and the eXH goes on to have other relationships with women he introduces to his children. But if he and the GF stay together the kids won't care whether they've been together for two months or a year, iyswim.

In my own case me and eXH split in the July and I got together with dp the following April. I had in fact intended to leave it a decent length of time to introduce to my DS who was ten at the time, but eXH gave me an ultimatum - either I tell DS the truth and that I was seeing someone or he would, his belief being that DS would be upset. So he left me no choice and DS was introduced to DP after we'd only been together for about six weeks, and it was not my choice. Fortunately for me DS and DP got on very well, and three years on we are still together and engaged. The time frame in this instance made no difference as the relationship continued anyway. There are plenty of relationships on the Step parenting boards which break down after a few years so it essentially could still not work out even if you've waited a year.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 13/04/2016 21:29

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TheOddity · 13/04/2016 21:30

Jeez so many goady fuckers up top of this thread. Sorry! Of course YANBU, it's actually hard to believe the levels of some adults' self absorption that they can think this is even vaguely reasonable or fair on the children. Why the fucking hell can't they wait at least 6 months?! As a teenager, I wouldn't have introduced a boyfriend to my mum in that time! It must be horrible to not be able to control this in any shape or form but the advice on here to let it wash over you and not comment too much to the children and continue to be their anchor in a storm is very good advice.

andintothefire · 13/04/2016 21:36

WannaBe - I appreciate what you say, but in a sense I think one of the main problems for the OP is how soon this all is after the separation. I agree that sometimes you can meet somebody who you trust and know is right very quickly. However, I think that by any measure 6 months does seem to be a very short time to expect children to process their parents having split up for good, their father having met someone else, and the potential that they will have new stepbrothers and stepsisters (who their father might even live with full time).

It is just slightly surprising to me that the OP's ex (and his new girlfriend though to be fair he is really the one who should take responsibility) aren't a bit more sensitive to that. When there are so many fragile feelings involved, waiting a bit longer just seems to me to be the right thing to do. After all, these are hopefully relationships that are ultimately going to be formed for life. It is so important that they all start off on the right foot.

Chlobee87 · 13/04/2016 21:40

Across the pond I'm a bit gobsmacked at your reply. I don't suppose for one second that OP is concerned about protecting her children from stigma - it's 2016 now after all. But you are seriously misguided if you think that parents separating, dad moving out, meeting dad's new gf and kids all within 6 months is not a potential recipe for disaster for young, vulnerable children (or even teenagers for that matter). Yes, some kids will not blink an eye. But it would be absolutely irresponsible to overlook the potential for real emotional trauma. OP is being a good mum and just looking out for her children's best interests. My niece's parents split last year. All very standard. Dad moved out, no third party or new partners on either side. Neice is 10 and was devastated. Her confidence was shattered and she had counselling at school. If she had been introduced to a new family in the midst of that she would have been broken.

KittyCheshire · 13/04/2016 21:42

its a bit soon, 6mo into a relationship is much better.

When my DB got a new GF shortly after leaving his abusive ExW we told him to wait for at least 6mo before introducing her to his kids. She met mine before she met his!

Maryz · 13/04/2016 21:42

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Eustace2016 · 13/04/2016 21:46

You could deny him all contact of course. Sadly and wrongly it is very hard for the courts to enforce it. They rarely jail a mother who refuses contact.

However I doubt that would please the children and it's a morally poor plan.

andintothefire · 13/04/2016 21:47

OP - There will be people suggesting you need to put your feelings aside for the sake of your children. Of course to some extent they are right, but please don't feel bad about the fact that 6 months is very soon for YOU as well. I was still crying a little bit every day 6 months after my last serious relationship ended! You sound like you are doing a great job for your children but it is fine to be angry and sad on your own behalf too. I would be very hurt at the thought of somebody trying to create a new, happy "blended" family involving my children and recent ex only 6 months after the separation.

So actually I am also a little bit angry on your behalf at the lack of sensitivity being shown. It sounds like you are well rid of your ex (and yes, he is still your husband but you will feel better thinking of him of an ex!).

I promise things will get better!

EweAreHere · 13/04/2016 22:04

YANBU. But without an agreement about meeting each other's girlfriends/boyfriends in future, it's out of your hands I'm afraid.

I do agree with you. It's too soon. I'm always amazed at how selfish adults can be, putting their 'wants' over their children's 'needs.

Good luck, OP.

VestalVirgin · 13/04/2016 22:20

Wait, you imply you were a single mother when he started a relationship with you ... are your kids his kids at all, or is it just because the two of you are married that he has any claim on them?

If the latter, I think you should be able to prevent his controlling whom the kids meet.

Not yelling at an ex for the sake of the children is all nice and good, but most children don't appreciate being expected to play happy family with their father's new girlfriend shortly after the separation of their parents.