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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A message to the woman sleeping with my husband and about to introduce your kids to my kids

205 replies

mojoawol · 13/04/2016 20:09

Please please think about it. Me and DH have been separated 6 months, you've been together 2 months. Making family introductions a) this soon after our separation and b) this soon after you've known each other is complete madness.
I know you're in the same place I was several years ago - he seems like the most amazing person you've ever met, you get each other, you connect blah blah.
You don't really know him yet. Slow down. My kids have been through alot recently. I'm sure your kids have too. There's no need to rush things. This is too soon.
Please.

OP posts:
Helencandy28 · 14/04/2016 14:49

I've been in your shoes and yes I do think he should wait a while longer. I think you should talk to him about it. I wasn't given the choice as my ex husband told the kids he had a 'surprise ' waiting for them at home and sprung his new girlfriend on them. They were both upset for quite a while. The so called girlfriend used my ex as a meal ticket, bled him dry and within months had moved on to marry some other mug. I hope you meet someone nice.

Catvsworld · 14/04/2016 14:50

Personally I would let him get on no doubt they will make her life hell because they are not really and feel it's too soon then she be on here posting in step - parents moaning that her dp children hate her

They usually dig there own grave and rarely give a shit about what there children need or want because if they were decent you would still be together

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 14/04/2016 14:51

Well wannabe I sure the op is thankful for your opinion. In sure she actually knows how she feels herself.

fastdaytears · 14/04/2016 14:59

if they were decent you would still be together

Everyone who is no longer in a relationship with the other parent of their child is not "decent" Hmm

Charell20 · 14/04/2016 16:27

Why are people having a go at this lady for venting her frustrations on a forum? Sometimes all that's needed is to say/ wrote something out loud. Give her a break

HalfNamasteHalfTTTH · 14/04/2016 16:31

Timescale depends on so many factors that there's no hard and fast rule I suppose. Of course this should be discussed and agreed upon however as it impacts on your children and, STBEx or not, you remain parents. So YANBU IMO. Whilst you may worry about him harming his new GF, I guess it's unlikely she'd listen to your warnings. Mediation, whilst you go through a divorce and make arrangements for the kids, might be worth considering as a safe forum to discuss these sort of things with him (particularly if he may have narcissistic tendencies). It's horrible and one can feel powerless in these situations but mediation can help with those feelings. If he won't go with you at first then you can go alone, gain a neutral perspective and hopefully feel supported.

wheelofapps · 14/04/2016 16:54

Any adult with any sense at all would be mindful for all the children in this scenario.

Children may 'seem resilient' whist in coping mode, but, even years later, they can have been very disturbed by selfish behaviour on the part of adults in their lives.

A family splitting up and new partners and the children of new partners all being thrown together and expected to 'cope' may not be unusual 'these days'.

But if it has to happen, it needs to be done slowly, with care, and room for the children to take things at their pace, not the pace that suits the adults.

Thanks OP.

Bearlyknitted · 14/04/2016 18:21

Since bloody WHEN has anonymous ranting been banned?

CoolforKittyCats · 14/04/2016 18:38

They usually dig there own grave and rarely give a shit about what there children need or want because if they were decent you would still be together

Absolute tosh.

So according to you anyone who is no longer together is not decent. Ridiculous!

CaptainHammer · 14/04/2016 19:23

I think catvsworld meant if the husband was a decent person then him and OP would still be together, but he isn't so is rushing this all through.

Jemappelle · 14/04/2016 19:31

She is not the woman sleeping with your husband.

Your husband is single. As are you. She is in a relationship with an available guy who she did not meet as he OW. sleeping with him is a part of that valid relationship.

The more you call him your husband, the more you call their relationship sleeping together - the more you prolong your pain.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 14/04/2016 20:33

The husband isn't single. He's still married even though he's left home and is about to introduce someone to his children whilst his side of the marital bed is still warm.

WannaBe · 14/04/2016 20:52

Married not married is semantics. Nobody would criticise a woman on here for dating after she and her h had separated. His marital status is a completely separate issue from whether he has introduced children to his new partner.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/04/2016 21:02

The point is that it is has been two months! Just two months. They have been dating since Valentine's Day and it is far too soon to know if this is going to be a lasting relationship.

ddrmum · 14/04/2016 21:27

Hi OP, I've been in your shoes. At the time my kids were between 18mth - 5yrs. Exh introduced them to his mums friend ...........!!!!!! His GF & thankfully she cared for them. He's a proper narcissistic barstwerd so lied to the kids until she was 3mth pregnant!! Eldest is far from impressed but it's important that they don't alienate the little girl- it's not her fault! I look forward to the day her mum sees the light & sisoext thus may happen sooner rather than later. This will happen with your DC too - just be a constant in their life and see the free time to be something/time for you for dates/pamper/mates. It's liberating & will seriously piss him off 😉 xxx

PutUpWithRain · 14/04/2016 21:42

Only read the first few replies, but fuck the fucking fuck off, people having a go at the OP. She's concerned for her children, and rightly so. They've had a huge disruption in their lives, they may be handling it well so far, but what they need is a prolonged period of reassurance and stability now, not being introduced to 'Your New Family!'.

If his new partner is that important to him, then STBExH would appreciate that rushing in isn't the best way forward, and would also think of what his children need, not what he wants.

And massive hugs mojo My abusive ex started up with someone new within three weeks of me ending things (via email, because his bail conditions meant he couldn't contact me). We'd been together for 16yrs, DC 11 & 7. Vent away, because you need to get it out of your system in a way that doesn't effect them.

lorilobs · 14/04/2016 21:48

I'm sorry. It's tough.
I have been through similar.
And now from both your position and also as the 'step mum'.
To be honest, there's not an easy way for your kids to follow. Each bump may or may not bother your kids.
I hate to tell you, but they will not want any scenario other than you and their father back together-at first anyway.
So long as he's saying "here's a new person, who I'm (probably too soon, with no commitment) going to call my person.
Get used to her, we're going to do family things together."
And not "here's a new mum. This is a new mum I've chosen for you..."

Then their 'new'lives will hopefully be new and interesting, and not always overwhelming.
Your husband might be a cu*t, and do things very badly- you have no control over that.
You can only control your own actions.(as our therapist told me)
You're playing a long game now.
It takes ages to get your head round that.
That's the truth.
Be the best parent you can be, try to offer council to your ex if he is interested to know.otherwise just be the best you can be for the kids.
They don't need 2parents.
-2 is a lottery win.
They'll get by just fine if you concentrate on yourself and them.
When they're older, it will be easy for them to see if he's a villain (which I hope he ends up not)
Good luck.
Take whatever route you think is correct.
Be kind to yourself plenty too
(And ignore the mean cows)
X

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 14/04/2016 21:49

He is still her husband till they legally divorce. The courts still recognise him as her husband. That he 'isn't' is just your opinion and not actually a fact wannabe

Thankfully it looks like op isn't coming back to this thread.

chubbylover78 · 14/04/2016 23:36

This is something you should sit down and discuss with each other or a mediator. I didn't meet my partner's son straight away and his ex kept him hanging in for 7 years before she allowed it. If you don't feel it's right for your kids then seek legal advice or only let him see them in your company. If your doing this because your bitter then let him do it, never use your kids as a weapon in a bitter break up. If it goes wrong it's him that has to then explain to then and pick up the peices.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 15/04/2016 04:33

Wannabe this isn't about him dating. It's about him introducing his children to someone else so soon after meeting her as well as so soon after leaving home.

As for nobody criticizing a woman for dating after a separation. Again. It's not about the dating.

Original poster
mojoawol · 15/04/2016 07:43

It's been interesting reading all the messages, mostly helpful and supportive. I didn't come on here yesterday, ended up having panic attacks at work. Never had them before, pretty scary.
I know he is free to do what he wants, and if there were no kids involved, I would be slightly hurt at being replaced so quickly, but mostly laughing at how it highlights his neediness.
However, there are kids involved, in quite a complicated set up (me and ex both had a DC each from previous relationships and then had one together). My DS's real Dad died when he was little so ex has been replacement father figure to him. Ex already had shared care of his DD, so when we split, he insisted on same for all. My DS was happy to go along with that (even tho he knows ex can be a bit of a bully).
I moved out, so they are all still in family home.
I think what's hurting so much is that ex is looking to replace me as mother of the whole family (plus now her two). He has referred to it as something he sees as long term, so I fully expect to see her and kids moved in shortly.
He has also been bullying me into giving him parental responsibility of my DS, but not allowing kids to see family counsellor (which was something we discussed as an idea to check they were coping with the separation even before I knew about GF. He thinks they're coping fine (maybe they are, but how does he really know? If I'm struggling with it, it's not unreasonable to think they might be).
Ex didn't even speak to his DD's mum about introductions. And apparently she told him she wasn't ready to meet, but he went ahead and introduced them anyway.
I understand all the sensible stuff, can't refuse contact, remain the stable influence for them; and I need to get to that place soon. At the moment, I'm off work, diazepam for the panic attacks, and floods of tears

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 15/04/2016 08:00

Panic attacks are horrible. Hope the pills are helping.

Do you remember if he asked DD's mother before introducing her to you? It sounds like he's only really got one way of operating, so it's a safe bet he'll do whatever he did with you. Hopefully the new GF is kind and sensible and might even tell him to slow down. It sounds like you had a good relationship with his DD.

You've had good advice here. Obviously things with your DS are more complicated. He's been through a lot losing his dad.

It's not necessarily true that your children are finding this as hard as you are. It's totally different, and sounds like they're being really well supported by you so they may well be doing well.

Eustace2016 · 15/04/2016 08:05

Why did you move out and leave the chidlren in their home? Most lawyers would say never leave as generally children want to stay so you see less of them if you are the one to move out and also for financial and legal reasons.

CoolforKittyCats · 15/04/2016 08:15

Did you move out and the DC stay with their DF?

Are you saying you have 50:50 care?

I'm confussed

ClopySow · 15/04/2016 08:31

Fucking hell. Don't give him parental responsibility.

So if i've get this right, he's not your sons bio dad? Then take him the fuck out of the situation.