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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

267 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 18:50

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

OP posts:
Osolea · 06/03/2016 19:07

YWBU if you said anything or behaved anything other than graciously over this, but YANBU to feel a bit hurt.

If this woman has been in your ds's life for the whole of his 14 years and she has a good relationship with him, then he's actually done a really kind, thoughtful thing, it's not wierd. Try and congratulate yourself on having a teenager that has taken the time to do something nice.

Honestly, I find it a bit sad that you say you'd find it 'really really weird and inappropriate' if you got a card from you step children. There are loads of cards for step parents in the shops, it's fine.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 19:09

Step parents are there in the absence of the parent - there is no absence.

I am here to facilitate a relationship with my DSC and their father I am an added bonus in that I am not their mother and I do not do all the things she does for them so why should I have a card?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 06/03/2016 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/03/2016 19:11

Why shouldn't your contribution to your DSCs be acknowledged with a SM card?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 19:12

I think I am also pissed off that there was no thought in getting him home a little bit early rather than bringing him back late because they were out toasting his DSM in Mother's Day - Hmm

As a mother as DSM is I would've thought she may have given my feelings some consideration.

OP posts:
2016namechangecomingalong · 06/03/2016 19:15

I can understand you being miffed that you have essentially bought her a present but she has been in his life since he was a baby. No, she is not his mother but I bet she has done lots of things for him when he has been there, and he wanted to show recognition of that.

Sorry, I know it may hurt but YABU. A step mum is often there in addition to the parent rather than in absence of her. Being a stepmom can be bloody hard work and some appreciation of that is nice.

Dotandethel · 06/03/2016 19:16

I get why you're hurt. It's a normal feeling to have and you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling it. You've unloaded here and not to your son. Flowers

Greyponcho · 06/03/2016 19:19

your DS did a thoughtful and kind thing for his DSM.
At 14 perhaps he was limited as to where he could go shopping for your gift, resulting in crap chocolates?
Did you ask exDP for DS to come home early? If not, then you can't really complain about that tbh, they're not mind readers (yes, it would've been nice for them to offer).
We didn't take DSS home early today because him mum is a bugger for chopping and changing plans last minute to suit her, because more importantly, she didn't ask

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 06/03/2016 19:25

YABU a bit. Your son has done a nice thing for someone who has been in his life since he was a baby and is the mother of his sibling. It's not weird. It's a good thing.

In your shoes I would be a bit unhappy because it would irk me - especially since she was the OW! But you need to grit your teeth and rise above it. Your DS sounds like a lovely boy.

Shapebandit · 06/03/2016 19:29

You should be proud of yourself for bringing up your son to be so thoughtful and caring.
I have a mum who I am very close to but still get my step mum a Mother's Day card. I don't tell my mum as she will likely be funny about it, which is tricky to navigate sometimes even as an adult (especially at times like my wedding etc). Please try and be pleased for your son for having a good relationship with his step mum as well as being close to you and try not to let him see you don't approve. It will make things a lot easier for him as he gets older Smile

thomassodorisland · 06/03/2016 19:33

I buy for both my parents and step parents on mothers/Father's Day they are all apart of my life and contribute to our life's in different ways.
I don't see why I shouldn't buy them a card and gift.

His step mum has contributed to his life by being their a small gift isn't the end of the world move on from it and don't let him feel guilty for buying her something as he was being kind.

Can you both sit and watch a dvd while eating the chocolates that would be good to do as something together tonight for the end of Mother's Day.

Thisisnotausername · 06/03/2016 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 19:36

Surely his dad should be funding BOTH gifts not me?!

Buy her a bloody birthday card not a Mother's Day card - I am his mum - his only mum.

OP posts:
FeelingFine89 · 06/03/2016 19:39

YANBU. I get you OP.
I never bought a card for my stepdad on Father's Day when I was growing up.

Griphook · 06/03/2016 19:42

Yanbu, (well maybe a bit) but I'd be really pissed off, although what happens on Father's Day?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 19:43

Father's Day I give her m a tenner to sort out something for his dad - and the kids do not buy my partner a card.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 19:43

Him sorry Blush

OP posts:
Fuzz01 · 06/03/2016 19:47

Its hard to deal with OP but this woman is in your sons life. I always ensure my DH recieves a card and present from my DS hes been active in his life since the age of 2. It's not as if shes just come on the scene its been a while. Its ok to be hurt i get that, really his dad should of took him to get something but he is 14therefore old enough to go our and buy something.

It's bloody difficult when someone leaves you and sets up house with someone else. Especially as you have no control over how they interact with your child. I think this is a hard thing to get use to that your child has another life that your not involved in or a part of and wasn't your own doing. Have a good rant helps get it off your chest but don't hold it agaisn't your DS. Unfortunately there will be future events 21st, your DS wedding where unfortunately you will have to put up with these people. Sucks i know, i'm in the same boat.

caravanista · 06/03/2016 19:48

This is the sort of post that gives step mothers a bad name. Parenting isn't a competition - you're his Mum OP but his step mum has been around all his life and you should feel pleased for him that he has a good relationship with her.

DaphneWhitethigh · 06/03/2016 19:48

Seems like he feels that she gives him motherly affection, he likes her and wants to recognise that (unless he's been strong armed into it by his DF but you've got no evidence of that). Honestly would you rather he'd spent all that time (I know it's only EOW but over all those years it adds up to a lot) with a woman who treated him like a flat mate?

PurpleDaisies · 06/03/2016 19:52

It's understandable to feel hurt. Try and feel proud that you raised a lovely son who does nice things for people in his lives who he cares about.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 19:52

He didn't leave me - I kicked him out when I was 4 months pregnant and realised what was going on. SM was a colleague of us both.

My other DC also have a SM I do not have an issue with any of the kids being part of another life. I am no issue with him having a good relationship with her.

I have an issue with the fact that she's not his mum. I do everything for him. I gave birth to him - I am his mum and that is the only thing I ask - that that is respected.

She is not my child's mother.

OP posts:
TooAswellAlso · 06/03/2016 19:52

Yab a bit U.

I think it's sweet that your DS thinks highly enough of two women in his life to celebrate Mother's Day with. He asked for the money and he spent it on both women he looks up to.

I told my MIL on FB I loved her and happy Mother's Day today, as well as my own mum (though my mum got a visit from me and flowers)

I didn't get anything from my step son, but I have my own children, but I did tell him I loved him today in front of his mum.

My children may have done something for their step mum as well as me. Their little sister obviously was making her something when the boys were making mine after all. But as long as it's not "mum" but "stepmum" level I'm not overly bothered.

Your DS is 14, he seems sweet

whathavewedonenow99 · 06/03/2016 19:52

It is not 'weird and inappropriate' to give your step mother a card. I did this today and I also gave my own mother a card. And I also bought them both a PRESENT!!! How inappropriate is that?!

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 19:54

I know my step kids mum would be very upset if the kids gave me a "Mother's Day" card - I have a good relationship with her too.

I am not their mum end of.

OP posts: