Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

[Cutecat78]

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

[TooAswellAlso]

I buy my stepdad a Father's Day card, but not my own dad (ha!)

DP buys his dad and step dad a card. He calls them both dad.

[Fuzz01]

You need to let it go OP it was a choice your DS did off his own back.

[PurpleDaisies]

I don't buy my step mother a card because I can't stand her. I'd have thought it was pretty common for people who like their step mums to buy them cards. Surely it's a good thing he gets on well with her? She's not replacing you.

[TooAswellAlso]

It doesn't have to say "to my mum on Mother's Day" it doesn't even have to say "you're like a mum to me". It can just say Happy Mothers Day. Which is sweet.

[TooAswellAlso]

You are making this all about your feelings. Your son did this himself. He did it for two women he cares about. It's about his feelings in this case. Give your son a hug, be proud you've brought up a caring and sensitive boy, and get over it

[Cutecat78]

But she isn't his mum.

She doesn't do the school run, go to parents eves, sacrifice anything for him.

It's great they have a good relationship that is not my point - he has great relationships with my friends and my sister but he doesn't give them Mother's Day card because they are not his mother.

[Cutecat78]

Is there anyone who is saying get over it actually been in this position?

And yes surely Mother's Day is all about MY feelings?

[cardibach]

IT all depends on the dynamic in the family. Some will think it reasonable, some won't.
I'm interested in a side issue - why does your 14 year old DS need a tenner slipping to him by anyone to buy presents? Doesn't he have an allowance/pocket money? By that age DD had a monthly allowance to manage and budgeted presents out of it (OK, I was still paying for my own present, but less directly!). Budgeting is a life skill teenagers need to work on.

[PurpleDaisies]

I don't know what you want out of the thread cutecat. No one is saying she's his mum, but it isn't inappropriate for him to have sent her a card. I don't think you're going to get anyone agreeing with your point of view.

It's fine to feel hurt but I really hope you don't say anything to your son.

[Cutecat78]

No he doesn't get an allowance because I can't afford it ATM.

I also has Aspergers and I prefer not to give him money anyway as he eats so much sugar, sweet same etc when he does have money.

[Cutecat78]

He does sorry ..,.

[cardibach]

Fair enough. Just wondered.

[WorraLiberty]

Aww I think he sounds very thoughtful and you should be proud of him

He should have asked his Dad for the money though, for his step-mum's present.

[TooAswellAlso]

You've had replies from posters with children with step parents. And worth step parents themselves.

Mother's Day is about appreciating the mother figure(s) in your life. So it's not just about your feelings.

[Zariyah]

YANBU to feel hurt but your son made this choice. What do you want to do? Tell him off for giving her something?!

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I got a card from my 16yo dsd. I've been in her life since she was 4 and have always been clear I am not her mum but love her all the same. She wrote it to 'The Stepmonster' (our little joke) with lots of love. I'm not her mum, I didn't give birth to her. I have no reason to love her, or have ties to her, other than she is my DH's dd and our ds's big sister. It helps that she's absolutely wonderful of course. It's a token of her appreciation for me loving her, despite not having given birth to her. Given that step mothers get such a bashing here for apparently not giving a shit, it sounds like your ds has one he has a great relationship with and you should be pleased. Yabu. Your ds sounds lovely.

[lalalalyra]

Mother's Day is all about you in your house. If your son chooses to recognise the part played in his life by someone else then at 14 that's his choice.

I think you should be proud of him. Being a step-mum is a very specific role a lot of the time. It's often all of the restrictions (in terms of finances, holiday choices and even dinners out), but very few of the good bits and often a lot of treading on eggshells.

My twins bought their step-mother a specific SM card. They recognise that she does a good number of Mum-type things for them (cleaning them up when they vomit in the night, making sure there's something they like for dinner etc) despite the fact that she doesn't actually have too, and often she gets no thanks for it. One of the things they like about her the most is that she doesn't try and replace their Mum, despite the fact she gets landed with mum-style responsibilities sometimes.

[TendonQueen]

I totally get why you're hurt and YANBU. Did you get a card at all from him? I am a card person so even if I had got a present, someone else getting a card when I didn't would really wound me.

[Splandy]

I totally get where you are coming from. I say this as a person who is married to someone other than my child's father, who always buys stepdad cards. My husband lives with my son, takes him to school, does bedtimes, financially provides for him... His own dad rarely turns up to see him and has only recently started giving any money towards his upbringing, after 8 years. My husband deserves a card on Father's Day for taking on the role of being his dad, this woman does not behave as a mom to your child and doesn't deserve one.

I imagine you feel similarly to the way I did when I realised that my ex's girlfriend had been taking photos of my son and his dad and putting them on social media with the caption 'my boys'. I have no idea in what way my child could possibly be her boy. His dad rarely turns up, and she isn't even there most of the time. They don't live together. They're not married. She sees my son a maximum of once a month or so. He's never stayed overnight with either his dad or her. I found it totally inappropriate given that the reality is that I struggled to bring up my son as a single parent for years. I assumed she was just trying to be nice, so didn't ever bring it up. Still pissed me off though.

So no, yanbu. But you shouldn't say anything.

[Owllady]

I buy my stepdad a card and a present for father's day too. He came o my life when I was a teenager and is a brilliant grandad to my children.

I imagine as a mum it's really hard to see your children having another woman in your role though and your children developing a relationship but it's MILES better than the alternative

[Cutecat78]

No I am not jealous at all - I don't expect anything from my DSC - I made sure their mum got some flowers.

I think I am a bit pissed off that DS2 dad put more effort into making sure DS2 made a fuss of his SM rather than me tbh - I do the lions share yet get fuck all in appreciation - I am bringing up our son in his absence.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Yabvu.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Your ex should really have made the effort to help ds purchase a decent gift, a token something for step mum is ok but yours should have been more special IMO

[Cutecat78]

Yes he got me a card but not a Mother's Day card - it was a blank card with a picture of something I like on it - he did mention he got SM a "Mother's Day" card which was a little bit "ouch" he has Aspergers though so would not think about how I might feel.