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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

267 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 18:50

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 20:24

And of course I did not say anything to him.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/03/2016 20:25

Tbh at 14 his Dad shouldn't have to put effort into these things.

If your DS wants to buy gifts then he should take it upon himself to do so.

And that's exactly what he did (and it's a lot more than some 14yr olds would have done).

PurpleDaisies · 06/03/2016 20:25

I don't know how realistic it is to expect so some you haven't been with for 14years to make a big effort in getting your son to give you a fantastic Mother's Day gift. I wonder if you'd be happier if you'd set your expectations a little lower, or helped your son choose a gift yourself.

It's rubbish feeling unappreciated and I'm sure it must be hard raising your son alone. As I said earlier, he sounds like a lovely caring boy do in sure you've done a good job.

hownottofuckup · 06/03/2016 20:25

I agree with you OP.
BUT, it was good of your DS to do what he did, it shows him in a good light.

ajandjjmum · 06/03/2016 20:28

Mother's Day is about kindness and showing appreciation to those who care.

I have always acknowledged my own DM who is obviously top of the pile, but also my aunt - her sister - who never had children and is like a second mother to me and DB.

In the 20 years + since our DC were born, they have acknowledged me (who better be top of their pile!!) and the nanny/friend who cared for them while I worked. Again, she has no children, and appreciates the gesture.

Obviously something for a step-parent is completely different, but I do think that it doesn't hurt to be generous, and be glad that our DC are turning into caring individuals.

clippityclop · 06/03/2016 20:29

I am a step mum, (of the non-wicked variety), and I have a step mum. I have received cards and gifts from my stepdaughters today, and given flowers to my stepmother. My own mother is dead.To me the giving of a card to someone on mother's day is a way of saying thank you, of thoughtfully acknowledging your relationship. It doesn' t mean that those people replace or equal the birth mother. As it happens we always give flowers to the elderly mother of my daughter's godmother too. Have some grace about this.Be secure in his love for you and don't spoil things by griping about a fiver and time keeping.Be glad your son has someone kind in his life. Plenty don't.

lalalalyra · 06/03/2016 20:29

I'd put money on the Mother's Day card the SM got was a specific SM card, therefore your card was (imo) actually more special, because he bypassed shitloads of MD cards to buy you a card that you'd actually like.

Also, given the way you've mentioned your ex, could he have decided to buy her a gift because she is the one who does all the parenting EOW? If your ex is hopeless then there's a fair chance she'll be the one doing all the cooking, organising etc. Maybe she deserves a card more than ex does on Father's Day? (although that may just be my ex - if it wasn't for their SM my girls would have no relationship with their half siblings or grandparents as she's the one that does all the work and makes all the suggestions to ex).

amarmai · 06/03/2016 20:30

yanbu ,op. She was fucking your ex when you were pregnant with ds? and she was a work colleague of both of you. She is the OW not his mum and altho your ds is a sweetheart, anything given to this ow shd have been funded by your ex . They shd have brought your ds home early to celebrate with you.

blackheartsgirl · 06/03/2016 20:30

you need to get over it. I get you are hurt but your son has chosen to do this off his own back. I am a step mum to 2 dsd, I have been in their lives for 11 years. My elder two dc also have a step mum who has also been in their lives for a long time.

My dc didn't give their step mum anything but I wouldn't mind if they did. She's done a lot for my dc and put up with a lot from my ds and his dad, dad is a bit of a twat tbf, we don't always see eye to eye but we are both adults.

My lovely dsd bought me a card each, wrote a lovely little message in it and bought a gift for me too which I was over the moon with. I really hope their mum didn't mind, she is their mum and I am not and I don't pretend to be but I am quite chuffed.

I'm going to give my mums dp a card for fathers day too, he's made my mum very happy and he's a nice bloke

Your son sounds very thoughtful

Owllady · 06/03/2016 20:30

Yes, he sounds lovely. I'm sorry you're upset, I understand why too Flowers

NameChangeEr · 06/03/2016 20:30

My parents are divorced and neither of them would have helped the children buy a card/present for the other one. I think as we got older they helped with the cards more, but that just shows you as good as your ex as not.
There are lots of step-mum/like a mum/plain happy Mother's Day card, so maybe in your sons mind, when he saw those cards when choosing for you he thought it was expected?

ThatWasThat · 06/03/2016 20:31

Yabu about the card. You should instead be proud that your boy (yes, not hers) is kind and appreciative. He was included in an event with his brother, she was not taking over your relationship with your ds. Try to see the positive side of this - 3 boys who love and value their mum.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 20:32

To be fair my ex is very "hands on" and I cannot imagine leaves it all to her ESP as she has been ill the last few years with ME.

OP posts:
Fuzz01 · 06/03/2016 20:32

I dont think its down to the ex to make an effort the boy is 14after and im sure OP has a partner who could help him. My ex gets me nothing. He got his wife flowers and a card but didnt involve DS which was a bit odd. I wouldnt of minded but surely the point would of been to include him hes 7.

VirginiaWoofs · 06/03/2016 20:33

Your son sounds lovely and I think it's nice that he did this. Please don't tell him off for being kind/thoughtful.

I understand how you feel about the OW - but I think you have to separate your feelings about her from your sons. He sees her very differently to you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/03/2016 20:37

Yabu.

I give my step father a Father's Day card, have done for years. These days I don't seek out "step dad" and just buy a standard cards.

Doesn't having anything to do with my relationship with my dad.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 20:37

I don't really have an issue with her being the OW - it was years ago and she prob did me a favour.

Ex is a great dad but a union between us would not have worked long term - in hindsight I can see that.

It didn't make the (unplanned) pregnancy any less painful, and I remember when DS was 2 months old and ex had him every sat stopping at a pedestrian crossing to see ex crossing the road with my baby and she was pushing him in the pram - she was only 18 at the time. It was hard.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 06/03/2016 20:37

The fact your card featured something you like is a good sign. But I'd have been hurt by it not being a M Day card when that's what someone else got. I totally understand that. I wonder if he was buying them with others there and/or felt pressure to hide the fact that it was a card for you, IYSWIM?

Bodhicitta · 06/03/2016 20:37

I am a Step-Mum and a Mum.
My exH left me for OW and they are now married.
I hated that for years she was in my DC lives but then accepted it and moved on.
Now let's be clear OW does close to fuck all for my DC BUT they adore her.
This Mother's Day I got cards from my DSS and my DC.
My DC also gave cards to OW, their Step-Mum.
I would expect them to because that's how I brought them up.
YABU.
This is not about that though is it? I hope you didn't give your DS any grief, he sounds lovely and was just trying to be thoughtful so you've obviously done something right.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/03/2016 20:37

I think that you should be proud that you have brought up such a caring child.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/03/2016 20:38

To be clear, I get why you don't like the woman. But you have clearly (and rightly) approached the situation in a positive way for your son. So he doesn't see her as you do.

SleepyBoBo · 06/03/2016 20:41

I don't think yabu. She technically shouldn't be a part of his life, she's only there because she and your ex messed around behind your back. As far as I can see, that doesn't warrent any Mothers Day card, however many years have passed. She isn't your son's mother, you are - I'd be pretty hurt too, using your money to buy the 'OW' a present. Again, yes it's been years but little things like this can open up old wounds. If he must 'get her something' in future, that should be down to his dad to fund (and not mentioned any further to you).

Sidalee7 · 06/03/2016 20:42

YANBU and I find it odd that people are saying you are.

You gave birth to him, you are his only mother. Nothing can take that away from you.

And he owes you a fiver Wink

Lauren83 · 06/03/2016 20:44

Do I get my stepdad a Father's Day card yes, do I get a card off my step daughter? Yes. It doesn't say 'to my mum' it says to someone special or to my stepmum. Yes I'm not her mum but do I do lots of things for her that I wouldn't do for any other child yes I do. I also for the record get a card off the cats every year too (9 years infertile and 4 ivfs!) so never going to get a proper Mother's Day

nokidshere · 06/03/2016 20:47

You are being completely ridiculous.