Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

[Cutecat78]

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

[PurpleDaisies]

She technically shouldn't be a part of his life, she's only there because she and your ex messed around behind your back.

Be that as it may, I doubt the son sees her as his dad's mistress-she's his stepmother and has been in his life as long as he's been alive. He wanted to buy her a card. No one forced him.

If he must 'get her something' in future, that should be down to his dad to fund (and not mentioned any further to you).

So you're basically suggesting the op tells her son she doesn't want to hear anything about his stepmother on Mother's Day? That seems really childish to me. Ideally the dad should find it but knowing teenagers I suspect the son was in the card shop with a tenner in his pocket and thought he'd get it sorted without considering who gave him the money. Again, are you suggesting the son is told in no uncertain terms not to spend any of the op's money on the stepmum?

[Arkhamasylum]

OP, YANBU.

However, your son did a kind and thoughtful thing. If I were you, I would tell him so. Then I would congratulate myself for being a great mum and bringing up such a thoughtful son. Then I would secretly go and punch the living shit out of something (pillows are good).

You ARE his mother. And, under the circumstances, you'd have to be a fucking saint not to be at least a bit pissed off.

[powertotheparslaii]

My son has a step mum and I wouldn't be offended if he got her a card

However, it is MY day to spend with my son

In your case I'd be pissed off that he was home so late, and that it was me who paid for the gift for her (your ex should have paid for gifts) but not that she received a card and a gift

[SleepyBoBo]

Sorry, Purple, but I disagree. The OP gave her son money, and he instantly thinks of his step-mum? That must hurt, try and put yourself in the OP's shoes here. I don't think she should have to 'not be hurt' just because it was long ago or because her son doesn't know the pain she must have gone through all those years ago. This isn't a case of the relationship ended and she's the cool step-mum. She's the woman who went off with her partner and gets to play happy families with him, and the OP gets to pay for her mother's day present. So no, I don't think the OP should have to hear about her on Mother's Day (or any other day come to that). Like I said, time has passed, but hearing that her son is treating the woman who ran off with the father of her child must hurt - she's allowed to feel that. It's not ridiculous to feel that way.

If this happened to any other poster on here, and they could just get over it and would be willing to pay for the other woman's presents years later - you're all better people than I.

[TooAswellAlso]

OP you are going to be faced with this for years to come

Your son gets married for instance, and he wants his dad and stepmother at the top table with you and his stepfather

He has children and has them christened, and wants you all there

He has children and they call her Nan/Grandma too

This woman isn't a flash in the pan. She has been a huge part of his life for 14 years. As much as his father almost.

[user7755]

I can understand you finding this difficult, but YABU.

I'm not sure that you can even articulate why you are upset, because you are his mum and not her, because he spent £5 that you gave him on her, because your ex didn't buy you a present from your son.

Sometimes emotions aren't rational, I think this is one of those times.

[TooAswellAlso]

Sleepy maybe he didn't instantly think of his step mum.

Maybe he went to the shop, saw the cards and chocolates and thought "wouldn't it be nice to get her something too"

[PurpleDaisies]

If you read any of my posts earlier in the thread sleepy you'll see I've said multiple times that it is totally understandable that the op is hurt. I never said the op should just get over it. Where I disagreed other you was telling a 14 year old boy with aspergers that he isn't allowed to mention his step mother on Mother's Day, or that he wasn't allowed to spend any of the op's money on her. VSometimes for the sake of your kids you just have to put a brave face on things and then come on here to vent about it.

[Cutecat78]

My OH says I should say no to giving the money and should refuse on Fathers Day .

I can't because it's my DS I am hurting and he will watch his brother give a gift while he has nothing and he really loved his dad and they have a lovely relationship.

I guess it's like a PP said I would like mine to be "bigger".

His DGM house is full of photos of DS2 with his SM. There is not one photo or acknowledgement of me even though I have a good relationship with her.

[PurpleDaisies]

His DGM house is full of photos of DS2 with his SM.

Is that your exes mum op? I

[TendonQueen]

On that point about the photos, I'd get one of you and DS2 framed, take it round to his grandma's house and say 'late mother's day present! Where shall I put it?' That would hurt me too, but I would find a way round it and I think that would be my way.

[knaffedoff]

I am sorry you feel hurt, honestly I feel your son has done a wonderful thing and perhaps she didn't deserve anything, if she was a contributing factor in your relationship breaking down. However, for the last 14 years she has built and forged a relationship with your son, she will have made sacrifices and has most likely loved him. Mothers day is about love not just biological ties. I hope you had a nice day in the end x

[PurpleDaisies]

Sorry hit post by accident. I know how you feel because my dad's house doesn't have one photo of me or my siblings because if my horrible step mother. You can't change other people. It's better to try and not let it get to you but it really isn't easy.

[Cutecat78]

Yeah my exes mum - she lives down the road. For a while it was hard as she is a midwife but put so much pressure I. Me when he was born I had PND - I went NC with her for a few years but her OH left her and she was devastated (she is not English and from completely different culture) and I felt really bad for her so included her in family stuff with me and DS2 and my other DC.

She took DS2 on holiday to her home country etc and I think it kept her going a bit through that period.

[PurpleDaisies]

tendon I tried that at my dad's house. Mysteriously a month later the phot was nowhere to be seen.

[Cutecat78]

Yeah I gave her a photo of all three of my children for Xmas years ago - it's no where to be seen!!

I once sent a text slagging her off about it to a friend but sent it to her instead accidentally

[SleepyBoBo]

I don't see why the OP has to pay for her present though? I don't disagree that what her son did came from a nice place, but at the expense of his mum's feelings. This can be easily avoided in future if her ex contributes to the step-mother's present. It's not the OP's place to fund that. Other events will take place where the OP has to 'suck it up' as it were - but for goodness sake, shouldn't she have Mother's Day to herself? Even if her son does get his SM something, I just don't understand why it has to involve his actual mother in any way.

[Natkingcole9]

Fair play to your son. You may not be able to see what a lovely thing he did today though because its all about you.

[PurpleDaisies]

I once sent a text slagging her off about it to a friend but sent it to her instead accidentally

That might explain why there are no photos of you in the house...

It sounds like after all you've been through with her just being able to be civil is a bonus.

[Cutecat78]

No it was about a photo of DS with his step mum - there would never be photos of me in that house

We have photos of the kids with their dads though.

[PatMullins]

I'm with you, OP and my DD doesn't yet have a stepmother.

DP wouldn't get a Father's Day card/present from her because although they adore each other, he isn't her dad. ExDP would be really hurt.

[PurpleDaisies]

sleepy the son didn't ask his mum for money to buy the present for his step mum. He had money from his mum in his pocket and probably just thought, in the way that teens do, I'm buying presents now I will get that all sorted and then it will be done without ever giving a second thought to who gave him the cash. Yes the op could make a big fuss about it with the ex but is it seriously worth it? She'll look petty and small.

[LadyRoseMacClare]

I have a dsm, and my son calls her Granny. She looks after him whilst I work, and has him overnight to give me a break. Today I gave her exactly the same gift I gave my mum and mil. On her birthday, I buy her a mum card, because other than giving birth to me, she does every single little thing for me a mum would do. You should be proud of your son and his thoughtfulness. Don't get me wrong, I understand it's hard, but imagine if he didn't like her- life would be so much harder.

[Mooseygoose]

I think you need to get over yourself tbh. I saw cards in the shop for mum, gran, auntie, step mum and just for you on Mother's Day so I don't think it's strange to send a step mum a card.

You seem very insecure, as you said yourself you're ds' only mother but he does have another female figure in his life.

I think the only thing that would piss me off is you having to pay, I appreciate how hard it is to share your child with another woman but try not be bitter about it.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Why would your ex's mum have photographs of you in her house?

That would be weird.