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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

267 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 18:50

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

OP posts:
PatMullins · 06/03/2016 21:27

You're human, OP.
I think it's perfectly natural to feel the way you do.

SleepyBoBo · 06/03/2016 21:39

For those who are telling the OP she's ridiculous, needs to get over herself, that he's just buying a present for a nice, sweet woman in his life, did you fail to read

his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum

She's only 'another female figure in his life' because she was having an affair with his dad when the OP was pregnant with him. He's not just paying from his mum's present money, he's using her money to buy gifts for the woman who help split up her family at one of the worst times. Of course the OP is going to feel a bit insecure - she's had to watch her partner go off with this woman, now gets to watch their son spend her money on her as part of Mother's Day. This not to say her son is wrong - as other say he's only known this woman as his dad's partner. However, this does not mean the OP has to be involved in any way, and has a complete right to feel put out under these circumstances.

YouMakeMyDreams · 06/03/2016 21:43

Emotions aren't rational so of course it's OK to be upset but it is still unreasonable.
He doesn't remember you giving birth to him and presumably you don't mind that he loves his father whom he has never lived with. You don't mind that he has a father done relationship with him? Yet you appear to be upset he loves his sm too. Someone he appears to have spent an exact equal amount of time with as his father as they have been together since he was born.

I am both a sm and my dc have a step mother. They don't but her a card but if they wanted to I would help them make that happen. I know I'm my dc's mum. They know I'm their mum. I trust and am secure enough in their love for me as their mum that it doesn't upset me or make me feel threatened. They are allowed to love her. They don't remember a time she wasn't in their life in the same way they no longer remember living their dad so they see as much of her as him.

Mooseygoose · 06/03/2016 21:48

Yes I did read that thanks sleepy I also read that the ops son is 14, I would have thought that's enough time to get over the anger if this woman has been good to her ds. Nobody is saying op should be best friends with or even civil with the step mum but it isn't about her relationship with her it's about the ds and step mums relationship.

I think it's fair enough for op to be annoyed at effectively buying a present for her but not for ds wanting to give his step mum a gift.

knaffedoff · 06/03/2016 21:48

"They know I'm their mum. I trust and am secure enough in their love for me as their mum that it doesn't upset me or make me feel threatened" Shock

Fuzz01 · 06/03/2016 21:51

I wouldnt expect my exs mam ro have photos of me in her house nor would i have photos of my DS and his dad. I find that very werid

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/03/2016 21:52

knaffedoff why the shocked face? My dad feels that way about me and my siblings relationship with our step dad.

And generally speaking step fathers spend far more time with step children than step mothers do.

ToadsforJustice · 06/03/2016 21:57

YANBU OP. My niece has a new step-monster. She insists that my niece calls her Mum and she should buy her the same gift as her actual Mum for Mothering Sunday. My niece told her that there isn't a vacancy for stepmother as she has a mother and that her actual position is "the woman currently married to my Dad". Burn.

puppydogmummy · 06/03/2016 21:57

As a step mum who lived with adds and father I do get a bit pissed off that his mum gets cards and presents whilst I'm the one who does his laundry nurse him when he's sick goes to parent teacher meetings.....ho him! But this year my dog got me a lovely card and I'm chuffed to bits! Someone appreciates me after all lol

VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/03/2016 22:02

YABU, and you're attitude is both crappy and weird. Your son is trying to keep everyone happy and treated the same, and you resenting that his step mother has a role in his life is just going to make things harder for him.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:05

Clearly my son has no idea about the past or the fact that I resent him buying someone who is NOT his mother and did not have his best interests at heart before he was born a card.

I do not resent their relationship. I resent him buying him a card as if she were his mother.

His dad has always paid me a pittance and when DS was 2 he asked me if he could lower what he did pay so he and SM could move in with his mother and save for a house for 2 years - which they did and bought a house and never raised the maintenance.

OP posts:
Mooseygoose · 06/03/2016 22:06

toads your nieces situation is totally different to the ops sons situation, can you really not see that? Your niece sounds as delightful as her step mother.

Mooseygoose · 06/03/2016 22:09

Op top tip don't post in aibu if you can't hack being told yabu!

Maintenance has got nothing to do with a Mother's Day card, you say your ds has no idea of the past etc I find that very hard to believe given how bitter you are coming across here.

Shutthatdoor · 06/03/2016 22:09

toads your nieces situation is totally different to the ops sons situation, can you really not see that? Your niece sounds as delightful as her step mother.

^ this.

neonrainbow · 06/03/2016 22:10

It was 14 years ago how long are you going to keep on holding onto all that hurt?! Are you worried he loves her more than you? Cos he doesnt. You don't need to be jealous of her and its crystal clear that you are.

I got a card off my dsc which said thanks for being a lovely stepmum. Because i am one. Youve got no idea about what sacrifices a stepmum makes.

Maybe your dscs mum is lovely to your ds. Regardless of how they got together they've been together for 14 years. Not exactly a flash in the pan is she?

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 06/03/2016 22:10

I wouldnt expect my exs mam ro have photos of me in her house nor would i have photos of my DS and his dad. I find that very werid

Exactly. It would be very strange!

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 06/03/2016 22:11

Youve got no idea about what sacrifices a stepmum makes.

Couldn't agree more.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 22:13

Erm I do have a very good idea of the sacrifices a step mum makes - I am one to three SC. Hmm

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 06/03/2016 22:13

Maintenance isn't the stepmums responsibility so why is that relevant?

GarlicBreadItsTheFuture · 06/03/2016 22:13

You sound so angry and yes I say this as someone whose DC have a SM who was the OW. But your DS will always be your DS and it doesn't make you less important to him because he also cares about his SM. Last year I didn't see my DC on mother's day because it was their Dad's weekend and they went to see his mother. Yes I was a little sad but parenting isn't a competition and children can absorb and give back as much love as is given, they don't love me less just because they don't see me on Mother's Day or sometimes on my birthday, or every other Christmas. Just be happy he likes her, you will always be his Mum. You need to find a way to get past the anger and the bitterness for your DS's sake and your own.

MrsWigster1991 · 06/03/2016 22:13

YANBU I'd be fuming.
I could understand the OPs son buying his step mum a present if his mum was not on the scene but she is and had her relationship was partly destroyed by this woman.

neonrainbow · 06/03/2016 22:14

So you don't make any sacrifices for your dsc then?

gentlydownthestreammm · 06/03/2016 22:14

If my DSS got me a card on mother's day, I'd be so touched and pleased.

However I wouldn't for a second think that meant he thought of me as his mum. Just a mother-esque figure. We both know he only has one mum and although DSS and I have a nice relationship, it is not that of mother and son. Doesn't mean a mother's day card would feel weird. Not that he's ever got me one!

I think you are reading too much into it really, and definitely seeing way more in this action than he surely meant by it.

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 22:14

YANBU, at all. My ex is real dick but I know for a fact he would never let this happen and neither would I. I'm their Mum, he is their Dad. He turned up with two inexpensive bunches of flowers today and gave one each to my kids to give to me. I was more touched and happy than I can say. It's the gesture itself that means everything.

Here OP Thanks

SuperCee7 · 06/03/2016 22:14

You need to back off and calm down. Your son or his stepmum are not at fault regarding this situation. Your anger is wasted and it will do you no favours, it will just breed bitterness.