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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

267 replies

Cutecat78 · 06/03/2016 18:50

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

OP posts:
SimpleSimonThePieMan · 07/03/2016 08:57

Sorry Nicki it's just something that's very close to home for me and something I feel very strongly about. I can only imagine the damage that would have been caused to my if any of my parents had the same attitude.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 08:59

Simon I am not your parent or anything to do with your situation so please do not treat me as such.

I love my son very much and he has healthy relationships with all the adults in his life.

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 07/03/2016 08:59

He wasn't adopted he is my son and I have brought him up on my own.

What does that even mean???

SimpleSimonThePieMan · 07/03/2016 09:05

OP there is lot more to being a parent than being biologically related to a child. There is no reason at all that a child should not view a step mother as an equal to their mother. One of my step mothers is much more recent but the original has been in my life for 30 years now. I would be truly heartbroken if she felt that I considered her not to be an equal of my mum. We don't have a limited amount of love to give, you should be celebrating the fact that your son has a good relationship with his step mum, at least you know that when he's there he's in a loving environment.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 09:05

I haven't handed him over to someone else to be his mother is what I mean.

He has one perfectly adequate mother in his life his step mother is there by default.

I do my job of being his mother very well I do not need a sub team.

OP posts:
SimpleSimonThePieMan · 07/03/2016 09:06

I am not your parent

Thank god for that!

NickiFury · 07/03/2016 09:09

simon that YOU view your SM as equal to your actual mother is fine and works for YOU. Personally it's not a feeling I can understand as my Mum is my Mum. I wouldn't dream of telling you that you're wrong or "abhorrent" for feeling that way even though I struggle to understand it. I think you're verging on bullying with how you're posting and sound very aggressive.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/03/2016 09:09

She doesn't do the school run, go to parents eves, sacrifice anything for him

School runs and parents eve no, but I'm sure she makes a lot of sacrifices to make sure he is happy and that he can have a good relationship with his dad.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 09:10

I don't know why you feel the need to be so nasty to a stranger o bathe internet simon

Your parents clearly did a wonderful job of raising a lovely person Hmm

OP posts:
JenEric · 07/03/2016 09:46

I've always sent my step mum a card. It doesn't say mum on it but it shows I'm thinking of her. Doesn't mean she replaces my mum. Doesn't mean I don't love my mum. My dad has never facilitated this as he felt it wrong to "force" me to buy her a card.

You are still his mum and it's ok. You have a kind and caring boy trying to be loving to ALL his family. Be proud, not sad. Thanks

JenEric · 07/03/2016 09:52

He won't even realise. He will just see it as him being kind to you both. There are likely no shades of gray to him. He is treating the women in his life with kindness and respect. YOU taught him that. Focus on that not on anything else.

SleepyBoBo · 07/03/2016 10:14

SimpleSimon - how great it is that you have a loving relationship with your step-mothers. I assume this step-parent did not help your father cheat behind your actual mother's back whilst she was pregnant with you? I also assume you'd be perfectly nice if someone ran off with your partner, and got to play happy families with your child for years after? The OP has already lost her partner to this woman, has to let her son go off to them 4 times a month and she gets to play 'mum' to him - what else should she give up to this woman? I think she's perfectly entitled to still feel hurt after after all these years. Actually, I think any normal person would feel the same in her position. She has said she's only ranting on here, not to her actual son, so why jump down her throat as if she's playing her son between herself and his father's wife?

Not every blended family can intergrate so nicely, that's life. Not every step-parent is an actual parent either - some are just going out of their way to find offense in this thread because they feel like they/their step are an 'equal parent' in their personal cirumstance. That's fair enough, but not always the case.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/03/2016 10:16

This whole thread is just awful.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 10:19

The whole thread?

Which aspect?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/03/2016 10:21

Your attitude and the attitudes of people towards you.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 10:23

My attitude?

I vented in here because I was hurt - I guess it's better that I vent to my son or his dad or his dad's wife - yes?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/03/2016 10:25

I understand that. It doesn't mean I like what you're saying though. You are correct though, far better on here than in real life.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 10:27

I have had to allow this woman into DS's life I have had to smile and be civil.

I have had to forgive her and forget what happened I speak well of her to DS I am interested and encouraging.

The final thing for me, the final frontier is him giving her a Mother's Day card. She isn't his mother she is someone who caused me a massive amount of pain and was totally insensitive to that.

How much more do I have to give her?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/03/2016 10:30

It's a card. That's all. She has been in his life for 14 years, caring for him when he's at their house. It's lovely that your son acknowledges that.

Fuzz01 · 07/03/2016 10:32

Cutecat ypu just got to let it go. Its a piece of card that will most likely be put in the bin.

NickiFury · 07/03/2016 10:34

The attitudes I see here on MN, I have never seen in RL. I think it's easy to harshly judge and demand perfection in all emotional dealings from the other side of a computer screen.

OP, I think you're handling it well. You posted it here and kept it from your son only to get jumped on. I have to say I would never post anything remotely sensitive on here anymore, certainly not in AIBU.

AliceThrewTheFookingGlass · 07/03/2016 10:43

I understand why you feel the way you do and I would too. So would DP if the situation was reversed. My children are my pride and joy and I love being a mum. I've saved each Mother's Day card from them so far and intend to keep the rest to come. I would be quite hurt if DP and I broke up and the kids sent a SM a Mother's Day card, especially if she was the reason my relationship with their father ended in the first place. I am their mum, their only mum and that makes me feel pretty damn special. I would like you have, keep this to myself though.

I do think it's nice that your son has a good relationship with her and likes her enough to think of her on Mother's Day but that doesn't stop it from hurting you. And you can't help the way you feel so no I do not think you are being U. And i also I don't think you're 'disgusting' or a 'disgrace' either Hmm

VoldysGoneMouldy · 07/03/2016 10:47

Whether you like it or not, though, she has been in his life for the same length of time you have been. Your son has known her all his life. He sees her as much as he sees his dad, and you can't resent that, you just can't, or it will destroy you.

She caused you massive amounts of stress and upset. To him, she has been a constant presence.

You should be pleased that he felt able to talk to you about this, rather than hide it from you.

Mooseygoose · 07/03/2016 10:56

I think the main point here is you see It that only mothers should be celebrated on Mother's Day while myself and many other people including your son obviously, see it as a day to celebrate the special women in our lives.

You're entitled to feel however you want but honestly there's no point in starting an aibu when you don't want to hear yabu.

SleepyBoBo · 07/03/2016 11:00

NickiFury - of what I've seen recently, Mumsnet is where compassion and sympathy comes to die. I don't expect the OP thinks she's fully in the right, I think she was just feeling hurt - a hurt she's been feeling for many years, watching the woman who helped destroy her relationship being seen on the same level as her. Of course her son doesn't see it that way, but it's not her son's point of view we're hearing here. The names she has been called by some posters are quite disgusting, I really hope they are never in her positionn- being told to suck it up and never feel any resentment, being forced to put on a happy face, even on an faceless internet forum.

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