Mother's Day cards for Step-mums

[Cutecat78]

I don't know if IABU or just hurt.

My older 2 DC came home from their dads early today with chocolates and flowers and cooked a roast dinner for me which was really really lovely.

DS2 has a different dad and was also at his this weekend - he asked me for a tenner to buy me a Mother's Day gift.

Today he has come back late because he's been out for a meal with his dad and stepmum and brother (DS2 is 14 - his dad and I split up when I was pg as he was shagging his now step mum - I am over this clearly but did not want to drip feed).

He gave me a box of chocolates I don't really like and said he also gave his step mum a card and gift.

This really really pisses me off. Firstly because she is not his mum, I am, I gave birth to him and bar EOW I have brought him up alone. Secondly It seems I have also bought her a fucking gift (my chocolates had the price tag on they were a fiver).

I feel really pissed off and unappreciated by his dad that he can't be arsed to organise something with DS2.

I am a step mum myself and we sent her flowers and I would think it really really weird and inappropriate if my step daughters gave me a Mother's Day card - because I am not their mother and there is no vacancy to fill here.

And there we have it the final tick on the AIBU bingo card! Don't start a thread unless you're prepared to blindly accept that you're being unreasonable because a load of Internet randoms tell you you are.

It's actually fine to start a thread and read all the responses and still say well actually seeing as I am the one living my life and there on the ground I still actually think I am NOT being unreasonable. Honestly it really is. Also the OP has had enough sympathetic responses to be able to judge that she's not being rabidly unreasonable at all.

I think people have been harsh, very cheeky to buy her a present from your money. Pps have assumed your son said he wanted to get her a card but I think it's more likely his dad gave him the money and told him what to buy/bought them himself which would understandably piss you off.

If he did ask to get her something then that's fine but it definitely shouldn't come out of your money!

I might have missed something but you haven't actually said which it is, have you? I remember my dad telling me to take my brothers and and get his partner (their mum) a present and I never really wanted to, he did this until I moved out at 17. Now I'm older I never buy her anything, others do and that's fine but it should be a personal choice. Your son will make his own mind up when he's older OP and hopefully not skimp on your gift as a result lol!

nicki I didn't say the op shouldn't have started a thread but if she didn't want to hear she's being unreasonable and just wanted a rant and some sympathy maybe chat or relationships would have been a better place to post.

So how long do you intend keep carrying around all this bitterness op? Its only harming you. I expect the ex and stepmum don't give a shit that after 14 years youre still hurt. You said earlier in the thread your ex probably did you favour and your happy now. So why still so bitter?

My kids had a Step Mum for about 3 years. She wasn't married to their Dad, but she lived with him. I encouraged them to get her something on Mothers Day. She didn't do loads for them, but she would do some washing, cook dinner etc, and I felt that needed acknowledging.

I think you are so bitter, because she was the OW. But, that was 14 years ago, and I think for your own sanity, you're going to have to try to let go of that anger.

Regards them dropping him home late, next year if I was you, I'd book a table somewhere nice and tell your Ex what time your DS has to be home for. "Please ensure DS is dropped home before Noon, as we have a table booked at X for 1pm, for Mothers Day".

Me being pissed off about the card is not connected in any way to her being the OW so I am not bitter.

I have brought my kids up on my own - I do not appreciate other people being brought Mother's Day cards by MY children.

I may be in a minority I accept but that it how I feel.

I get how you feel OP. I don't think your feelings are wrong. I never actually thought and still never do think to buy my stepparents a card on Mothers/Fathers day. I didn't realise it was a "thing" to do so.

I don't think you're wrong in how you feel either, Cutecat. I think the problem here is that some posters are not understanding your viewpoint as they're so entrenched in their own views.

'Stepmother' means different things to other people. It used to just be a term used to explain the marriage of the child's father to another woman AFTER his wife had died. It's not the case anymore as divorce and separation is so commonplace, the world has shifted.

You will always be your children's mother; nobody can take that place. The term 'stepmother' gets thrown about an awful lot and many people who call themselves this are nothing like a mother figure, it's just one of the terms that some like to apply to themselves. Other woman are taking a mothering role but they're still not the mothers of the children who have their birth mothers still present in their lives.

Mumsnet is difficult for step-parenting issues; many women who identify as being a step mother feel that they're being 'got at' so threads like this can prickle a bit.

Feel the way you feel, OP. Ask your son to send stepmother a plain card next year if that would make you feel better. You are his mum, just remind him of that. He'll be another year older by then.

Mother's Day has become quite commercial these days. There are cards for a wide pool of women who are mother figures and I think that's wonderful.

Though your DS didn't purposely buy the card out of your money to be cheeky and I think if his father was really trying to twist his arm he would have given him money to buy SM something. So I'm assuming DS did this out of his own free will, which is very lovely.

You've mentioned numerous times that you are his mother, to me it seems like you are insecure in your position and are almost trying to convince yourself. But surely you understand your DS buying a card for his SM doesn't make her his mother? Like I've said there's cards for aunts, step mothers, grandmothers and even great grandmothers. All of these women are mothers or mother figures to someone out there. I buy a card for my mother and my grandmother, it doesn't make her my mother or more important. The fact that your DS did something so thoughtful is so sweet.

I have mentioned that I am his mother numerous times not because I have any insecurities but because it's Mothers Day.

He only really loves his dad anyway - I just feed him - he is not one for false sentiment he's very direct, and literal.

I get the impression that it is expected by his SM. I suspect because years ago when he was little ex gave her a card from him (before they had kids) and I told him I thought it was off and I think she enjoyed that.

You're over thinking it. It's been 14 years - unless she's a total Nutjob, she won't get any pleasure out of thinking you are hurt.

It was the other way around for me. When I was a stepparent, it was me who didn't want me to get a card on Mother's Day.
On my first Mother's Day when I got a card from my baby DS, the mum of ex's child asked how come I haven't got one from their child as well. Like it was really unfair on their child or something.
I was just a bit errr, because I'm not her mum and you are?

Yanbu for feeling unhappy butyou do need to let it go and you have been very insulting towards others.
You say you are not angry and you have let it go, but you clearly haven't!
If it's all commercialized crap then why are you so pissed off that your son bought the sm something?
You should be pleased you have such a caring son!
He cares about his sm, she may be in his life by default, but he cares about her and it's been 14 years.
step parents are there in the abscense of real parents erm, what?
I buy a card for someone other than my mother.she has always been in my life ( better in some ways and there for me when she wasn't) and i get cards for both of them.
my auntie!
i have always been the daughter she never had. My mother knows, she is not offended. She does not replace my mother, but i still love her and appreciate the things she does.
I really don't understand why you are upset about your ex's mother not having photos of you in her house?
Why would she?! Ofcourse she is going to have photos of dad, son and sm, that's her son's family. You're not part of that anymore.

Your posts are incredibly contradictory. You say you are not jealous, not bitter, have moved on etc. etc.

And then you go on to say...

I have had to allow this woman into DS's life I have had to smile and be civil.

I have had to forgive her and forget what happened I speak well of her to DS I am interested and encouraging.

The final thing for me, the final frontier is him giving her a Mother's Day card. She isn't his mother she is someone who caused me a massive amount of pain and was totally insensitive to that.

How much more do I have to give her?

She is his stepmum, he bought her a card - he sounds like a lovely lad. Stop overthinking it, let go of the bitterness and feel proud that he is so kind.

I think you are completely right to expect that only you his mother gets a card. Yanbu in anyway.

user7755 yes

OP, you feel how you feel. Feelings aren't wrong, but what you do with them can be. You haven't said anything to your son or his SM so you have done nothing wrong. If you feel hurt then you feel hurt and it is ok to acknowledge that.

My children give their step dad a Father's Day card, but he has lived with them every day for ten years.

They also had a step mum for many years and I personally would have been fine if they had bought her a Mother's Day card, while she was never their mother she played a mothering role every weekend and sometimes during the week, so I thought she deserved some recognition. But that's just me, a lot of people didn't understand how I had no jealously or insecurity about their relationship with her, so in the real world I think most people would relate to your feelings more than they did mine.

I often think that on MN any feelings of insecurity/anger/ jealously and so on are looked down upon and you are expected to be super reasonable about everything, it doesn't really work that way. Feelings are complicated and unless you are acting on your feelings unreasonably I don't think anyone should attempt to make you feel bad for them.