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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad I wasted my youth

229 replies

friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 06:58

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

OP posts:
Katenka · 06/03/2016 07:07

I didn't do any of that and don't feel I wasted my youth. I can't think of anything worse (for me) than shagging men I hardly know.

It's a matter of perspective.

I had an entirely catholic eduction until I was 18. Studied a level theology that revealed what a farce organised religion was and left the church. With the support of my priest. Who was impressed with my reasons.

I married at 20 to a very in religious dh. Had dd at 22 and ds at 29.

I don't feel anything was wasted. I have a pretty good life. If I had gone travelling or shagging men I might not have met dh, wouldn't have the kids etc

Is it more that you are unhappy with where you are now.

MartinaJ · 06/03/2016 07:11

When I was 20 I thought the same (except religion) and assumed at 40 it's too late to live your life to the full and enjoy it. I laugh about it now. Don't even miss not having memories of close encounters with Mary Jane and Mr. Ethanol. That's not what life's about.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:17

Not really following you Martina! I'm far from 20!

I am a bit unhappy with where I am now, but that's nothing to do with my youth so it is a bit silly really.

I hope my children have a better transition to adulthood than I did though!

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 06/03/2016 07:23

My teens until uni were really boring, I was depressed, clashed with my parents constantly & hated school. I had a brilliant best friend and read a lot though - glad I've got all the ''essential'' classics out of the way so I don't have to plod thru them now Grin the wildest thing I did was sneak wine out of the kitchen, smoke in my room, only got together with first boyfriend because all my friends were pairing off....I always felt very young & innocent compared to everyone else my age. And to be honest I didn't have the social skills they had, still am, so was immature, didn't understand a lot of the fine details of communication etc and was excluded through that.

OP you probably have an understanding of some things that many don't - every experience is worth something.
My dad made me go to church until I was 15 too! I didn't like going there on Sundays but looking back I realise what a lovely community there was there and how good it is for a child to see that.
plus, correct me if I'm wrong, but I doubt you're at death's door....you can start tomorrow, being wild, if you want! go for it! emigrate! OLD! Start a project, paint, make music, whatever. Mourn the past if you need to, make peace with it, but then concentrate on making things happen. And you never know what's round the corner (been true for me soo many times).

Deletetheheat · 06/03/2016 07:23

I really really don't see the point of regretting things from the past. Yes easier said than done -but surely only if you are unhappy in the present. Are you?

We are here, right now. There are so so many things people can do at any age - 40s, 60s, 80s even - to enhance, improve and shake up their lives.

Moreover to get a buzz out of life without (or with!) shagging hot men!

I am nearly 49 and I feel GREAT because I push myself to do new things, I take care of my appearance , keep fit, love my crazy busy job et etc.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:26

Hmm I was a bit past 15 velour!

I'm not talking about a difficult time at high school but a very difficult youth that has unfortunately led to a very difficult (and sad) adult life.

I could have lived quite happily without the shagging hot men part, but having reached the ripe old age of 35 as of last month without a relationship even, I am forced to conclude I have missed something.

OP posts:
PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 06/03/2016 07:27

How old are your DC now? Is it possible to introduce them to backpacking during holidays? There were families in oz when I was travelling doing it.
BTW, I partied a lot, went out a lot, had a lot of boyfriends but never had sex until uni as I just didn't want to go there although everyone thought I was having lots of sex (because clearly, promiscuity goes with drinking & partying & turning up to school hungover). I wasn't one of the popular, outgoing kids either, I was the punk one with attitude that kept quiet most of the time unless to argue a point. The one that always had homework done and scored A's & B's.
I did travel, because I had always wanted to and I'm glad that I did, but be grateful for the experiences that you had, the lessons you can pass onto your DC, be proud of the inner strength that you have.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:28

Unfortunately I don't have any Purple! It's in the 3 year plan. I don't really go away on holiday and have never actually been abroad as an adult.

I raise your didn't have sex until uni to age 25.

It's not 'I started youth late' it's more that I didn't actually have one at all.

OP posts:
Katenka · 06/03/2016 07:32

I am a similar age.

You have never had a relationship ? At all?

Going out shagging men won't have made that any different.

Can't you travel now? We travel with the kids.

Don't spend to much time dwelling on what you didn't do. Because before you know it you will 50, thinking you missed out having fun in your 30s and 40s. Then you will be 70 thinking you wasted you 50s and 60s. Break the pattern.

Make changes now to make your life what you want.

velourvoyageur · 06/03/2016 07:33

I'm sorry about your childhood, foxes Flowers

but, ok. So you missed something, like all the millions of other people who haven't done everything there is to do in life yet. What's the best thing to do now? 35 is young. Don't use the past to avoid your future (sorry that is SO cheesy Grin)

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:37

I don't think I really do velour, but just the same I am aware that circumstances and life as a whole has not gone in the direction I would have wanted it to, and as a result I am where I am now which is not that great, really.

Sorry - am whining.

OP posts:
Deletetheheat · 06/03/2016 07:41

35 really is young. In fact my mid 30s were the best age by far for me in many ways. I'm not rubbing it in, I'm saying try to feel positive and hopeful.

What do you want then out of life?
What would you like to achieve?
What makes you feel good?
What short or long term goals do you have?
What can you change?
What do you love about yourself, what do you dislike about yourself?
Who do you admire that you can emulate or ask for advice from?
What new venture can you join or do?

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:45

You won't like this, but to be honest I have given up. I don't think for a moment you're rubbing it in but I'm also guessing your life in your mid 30s looks very different to mine.

OP posts:
Flossyfloof · 06/03/2016 07:51

Ok so your youth is wasted and that is hard for you. Somehow you need to try to make sure the next year - next six months - next month - week - tomorrow - today aren't wasted today.Sit down now and make some plans.
And be aware that some ideas you might have now might just not work, for many reasons. You just have to keep on getting out there.

Katenka · 06/03/2016 07:52

So you have given up?

Time will pass anyway. Do you really want to be sat thinking you wasted even more time when you are older?

I don't want to be harsh. But at some point you have to accept the past happened. You can't change it. But you can change your life now.

Or you will feel like this for the rest of your life.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:53

Kat, cam you understand that after a certain point, you no longer have control?

OP posts:
Pollyputhtekettleon · 06/03/2016 07:55

I had an fantastic childhood, all animals and home grown food and fresh air. I regret wasting my college years as I didn't know how to join things. Then I had the most amazing time in my 20s living and working in Asia, where I met my dh. Now we are back and I have the life I dreamed of (lovely farmhouse home with land, healthy beautiful kids, easy well paid job) but I feel so desperate to LIVE again. However I know my kids need me so it will be a quiet few years focusing all effort on our gorgeous family. Once they are old enough DH and I will travel and do 'exciting' things again so OP, get stuck in! Make some plans, do some classes, study topics that interest you on the Internet. Life is short but there's no reason why you can't have what you think you missed in your 20"s later. Or at least a version of it.

Katenka · 06/03/2016 07:55

Why don't you have control over your own life?

Have you sought help for dealing with your past?

Deletetheheat · 06/03/2016 07:56

Ok I get that. You feel hopeless. Depressed?

I have had times of great unhappiness. Actually my teens were wild but very, very unhappy. Last year (first six months) were awful. My marriage was in trouble and something sad happened too. Honestly, let me tell you what I did - I did loads of stuff to make myself feel better, to pull myself out of a hole. It really worked! I identified what I wanted to change and I put plans in place. I totally appreciate I have some big pluses on my side - I am able bodied, financially comfortable and I have three children I love (but boy are they are a drain!).

Tell me why you have given up?

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:57

Don't get me wrong, I didn't go through anything hugely traumatic. I just didn't do the things you might expect a young adult to do.

I'll be ok. But when I do see threads where people talk about their wild youths I do feel sad.

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 06/03/2016 07:57

Well I agree with everyone else, 35 is very young, I would say that most women are in their prime in their 30's.

Don't assume that everyone had that mis spent youth you've been hearing about and shagging randoms even if they are 'hot' is not for everyone it certainly wasn't for me.

You say you've 'given up' but I suspect you haven't really or you wouldn't be on here looking for advice.

Do some work on yourself, ask your GP for some CBT, I'm not one of those who advocates CBT for every problem but in your case it sounds as though it could help you make some changes which could improve your outlook on life and how you see yourself.

Good luck.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 07:58

No, I'm not really looking for advice, more wondering if there's anyone like me.

OP posts:
Katenka · 06/03/2016 07:59

Being sad about the past isn't the same as having no control.

I am sad about things that happened. But I can control what I do now. I do hope you can find away to feel better Thanks

Pollyputhtekettleon · 06/03/2016 08:00

Just read everyone else's post. Hmmm, the upbeat 'go for it' response seems inappropriate now.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:01

I didn't say it was Kat - I mean, after a point you can't go back and sort things and that's when control is lost.

Polly I appreciate all the responses :)

OP posts:
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