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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad I wasted my youth

229 replies

friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 06:58

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

OP posts:
Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 18:11

Thank you and devilish - thanks, I sort of want to say I'm sorry but I don't think that's quite appropriate.

I want to change but I've lost any confidence I can.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 06/03/2016 18:11

I have friends. My friends think I am great. A loyal friend, very funny, kind and generous. But I just get used by guys and they take advntage of my forgiving nature and do what they want with me.

37 is not a whippersnapper. Head over to relationships forum.

Many women on here have kids in their 20s. I cant even get a long term bf.

I am so fucking lonely I could die.

SoThatHappened · 06/03/2016 18:18

It is possible to be depressed and not realise it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties I am very depressed. I wasnt like this before. I had a bout of it in 2013 and then recovered and relapsed in 2015.

I dont have these dark thoughts when I am not depressed.

Fatrascals · 06/03/2016 18:29

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ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2016 18:31

SoThat You sound in a lot of pain. Can you confide in your friends or go back to your doctor? Sorry I didn't mean to sound patronising.

kawliga · 06/03/2016 18:47

if you think I find anything about my life satisfying, then you are very wrong

No, OP, I wasn't referring to your life, I was referring to the chat on this thread. Sometimes it can be satisfying to have a rant/moan on the internet with some virtual friends, we all do, it can be therapeutic, where you completely disagree with all the advice being thrown your way, I think we all do that. MN is good for that. That's the satisfying bit. The life bit is when, after the rant/moan is over, we actually mull over what we've been hearing and absolutely give some of the things a try.

I do think sometimes it is helpful to just say life sucks and have people hear you say that, and you don't have to agree (on the thread) that life is merry. It's ok to stick to your guns about how sucky your life is, on here, and totally dismiss all the suggestions.

But then you go away and maybe have a try of some things. Not saying this works if you're depressed - I do realize depression is an illness and there's no way to logic oneself out of depression.

SoThatHappened · 06/03/2016 18:50

My GP reffered me to the local counselling service which wont help...it is just group therapy and I am not up for that.

I dont really want medication.

Ive tried yoga, swimming, etc. It just makes me feel worse.

Ive become wary of telling friends anymore. They are becoming distant. I pretend to be ok.

I was going to book a holiday on a group tour but I am wary of going alone.

Devilishpyjamas · 06/03/2016 18:53

Confidence is key I think, but that only grows really by getting out there. It is a cliche but I would start with something you enjoy or something you can see yourself volunteering for & sign up. If you have the money there are loads of weekend or week long courses that people tend to sign up to independently (without friends) & that can be a good way of meeting new people because everyone is alone.

Devilishpyjamas · 06/03/2016 18:55

You need a holiday group where lots of people go alone. Walking or horse riding, that sort of thing (whatever floats your boat).

foffx · 06/03/2016 18:57

Group therapy could be really good. I have one or two friends who understand me better than others who I actually made friends with from group therapy...Hmm

allowlsthinkalot · 06/03/2016 19:00

I wasted my youth. I didn't travel, I didn't make the most of being without responsibilities. I'be never been a party animal but boy, did I waste it not being true to myself. I also denied my sexuality for a long time and wish I'd been true to that and experienced fulfilling relationships.

SoThatHappened · 06/03/2016 19:02

I have one or two friends who understand me better than others who I actually made friends with from group therapy...

That is YOU foffx. One size doesnt fit all Hmm

I am not comfortable with it.

SoThatHappened · 06/03/2016 19:04

Confidence is key I think, but that only grows really by getting out there. It is a cliche but I would start with something you enjoy or something you can see yourself volunteering for & sign up.

For me it has been the other way around. I always had the confidence to be me and be happy until a few years ago.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2016 19:05

SoThat Some anti depressants are required to pull you out of a trough. It may be worth considering because you sound in a bad place at mo. Then the idea of group therapy, excersise or that group tour may be more appealing.

lougle · 06/03/2016 19:08

I had the youth you describe: Found faith at 16, celibate until marriage, didn't drink, do drugs, go clubbing, etc.

I got married at 22, first child at 26, 2 more by 29. Life changed again at 29, when DD1 was diagnosed with SN (goes to special school). I was depressed, I think, for a while. 3 children under 3.6, DD1 was very hard to manage. Many times I had to abandon DD2 with someone so I could run after DD1 who was escaping....it was awful. Once DD3 was here, I couldn't take them all out on my own. DD1 just needed so much supervision that I'd find myself having to choose between whether i protected her or DD2/DD3. I had to give up my career and lose my professional registration.

I know it may seem insensitive to be describing life with children, but I suppose what I'm saying is that no matter what your life looks like from the outside, it can be hard on the inside.

What turned things around for me was that I decided that if this was going to be life, I'd make the most of it. I volunteered left, right and centre. Over the last 8 years I have been a preschool committee member/chair, chair of a children's centre partnership board, a governor and now chair of governors, I sat on admissions appeals panels, and was part of a special local authority committee as a special school representative.

You say you don't have time to volunteer. I don't believe you. You could choose to give some time to something.

My good friend was very, very single. She was heartbroken that she would never be a mother. She'd even had a prophecy given to her that she would be a mother to the motherless. One day, she went to a singles event at a church. She came away having had a nice day but knowing that nothing had happened. She was quite a lively character and I remember cringing when I heard that she'd done star jumps in the lunch break (I am an introvert!). But, a man was there who saw an energetic, fun loving, outgoing woman, who didn't take herself too seriously. He contacted her through a note given to a church leader who knew of someone from our church, who knew her. They met, we're completely bowled over with each other and she is a wonderful mother to his two children (bereaved). Life can change in an instant.

Fatrascals · 06/03/2016 19:09

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Fatrascals · 06/03/2016 19:10

This reply has been deleted

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dublingirl48653 · 06/03/2016 19:20

psychotherapy

please give it a go
can help massively

wish you all the best op
i have had these feelings and it is just so hard to listen to the advice from others at times

foffx · 06/03/2016 19:48

Funny thing is - the people suggesting stuff - suggest it because it's worked for them.

cornishglos · 06/03/2016 20:58

I did lots of crazy, stupid things in my youth. I had a ball, but now I have kids I really regret it. I put myself in lots of dangerous situations and wish I hadn't been so cavalier with my life. Stupid.

PacificDogwod · 06/03/2016 22:12

I think the question you and sothat and anybody else in a similar situation need to ask themselves is whether you are where you are and have made some kind of peace with your life as it is, or are you deeply unhappy?
If you have a wistful regret for things that did not happen, but are otherwise quite settled and content in your life as it is, then fine.

But neither one of you comes across as that.
There is nothing at all wrong with being single/not having children in itself.
There is also nothing wrong with regrets, but you sound defined by what you have NOT got which is really rather pernicious and soul-destroying.

Please seek RL help.
I was guilty of using the phrase 'counselling' upthread as a kind of lazy short-hand for 'talking therapy'. There is far more to what a good therapist can offer you than just an opportunity to air your feelings. Good psychotherapy can be life-changing and it is very much worth your while having another go at finding a therapist/a kind of therapy that suits you.

Do something positive, something/anything that makes you feel better.
Make ONE change, a good one.
Brew

dublingirl48653 · 06/03/2016 23:22

Yes Pacificdogwod
So teue

Vix194 · 07/03/2016 09:47

Can I ask why you chose Mumsnet to see if anyone was in the same boat as you? Most on here are likely to be parents, so immediately will have a different life to you. You're setting yourself up to being further isolated by comparing yourself to people with a family. If you want support to help you change your life, you need to find some people like yourself. If you don't want to change, then this is the perfect place to fuel your feelings of having missed out on life. Do remember everyone has had issues and sadness. It's universal.

Ohdearohdearme · 07/03/2016 10:35

OP, I too was indoctrinated in a church, but that was in my mid teens and I got the hell out of there, probably rebelled as knee jerk reaction to this.

I shagged plenty of hot men.

I took loads of recreational drugs and partied hard.

I did my share of travelling and blew a lot of money on transient pursuits.

Now I'm in my late 30s and to an extent feel as if I wasted many years as despite being very highly qualified on paper, I wasn't focused enough to do anything with my education, so even now I'm married to a wonderful man and own a modest house, a great career and the financial security that comes with that eludes me. I wish I'd worked harder and set myself up for life, like so many of my friends have done. Every month it's a struggle financially and I only have my recklessness to blame.

Tensixtysix · 07/03/2016 10:37

I never really had a 'teenagehood'. I was too bothered about working and bringing in money for my parents. Also my mum was bi-polar and was very strict on what I did. If I went out she would always be on my back wanting to know when I would return.
If I had fun and was happy, she'd be angry as it was 'not fair' that I got to be carefree. I was always walking on eggshells.
Yes, maybe I could have rebelled and run away. But she had a trick up her sleeve.
She'd attempt to kill herself every now and again. Always when I felt relaxed around her.
But I still managed to find a loving husband (moved out pronto) and we have two lovely girls.
But my mum never really got to know them as by then her bi-polar got very bad and she ended up in an almost vegetative state for five years.
Died in 2011 and I finally felt free!
Now I'm doing all the teenage stuff and I'm almost 50! It's never too late!