To be sad I wasted my youth

[friendlyfoxes]

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

No you can't control the past. Of course you can't. Put you can be at peace with it. I really hope you find a way to do that

You seem to just want to wallow. That's fine - it can be good for the soul and sometimes we need to feel sad and allow ourselves time to grieve. We can't all be 'positive thinkers' American stylee all the time. Despite my posts on here I'm not always at all! (I think I've had too much coffee ).

But the wallowing has to stop sometime. When you see a little chink of sunlight through the clouds, grab it and do something to make your life more exciting and fulfilled. It really is up to you. And life is not a dress rehearsal! Life is happening right here and now and passing through your fingers.

I think I am, this is where the giving up has come from.

It's definitely not too late foxes! Book that holiday, or at least start saving for it, that's a good start.

I feel my life is on hold for a bit now at 32 as I'm pregnant and have a toddler, but I fully intend on fitting a few more wild nights in once DCs are bigger. Not with quite the same level of irresponsibility of course, the 3 day benders are over and tbh my body is thankful for that! But I've not fully written off my life to snot and tantrums just yet. DH is 44 and he's the same.

The church thing I can understand. We are atheist, but our family is all very heavily involved with the church. I went to a family member's 18th yesterday and it was so sad. The lad had one friend there, everyone else was someone his parents had invited. No craziness, no music, and a lot of speeches that were made out to be about him initially but just turned into congratulating God on what a good job He'd done... I asked him if he had a night out planned clubbing or down the pub. He said no but said his Dad was going to take him for a pint in the pub, but it hadn't happened as Dad had been too busy He seemed resigned to it all and pretty quiet. I was out with my mates for my 18th (with a small family celebration to mark it too of course), and it's sad he's being held back from being a normal teen.

Oh dear, it was going so well :) I was just thinking how supportive everyone was being.

I'm not wallowing. There's a difference between realism and wallowing. Someone with a terminal condition isn't wallowing when they say it can't get better - follow me?

Did you actually read my post? I am supportive.

Everyone is saying the same thing - we get it, things can feel hopeless, life can cruel, life can be tough. But it's just the truth to say that we, ourselves, are the only people that can change our mindsets or change the trajectory of our life.

Thanks, piglet, I'm grateful you can kind of see where I was coming from if you like. :)

Unfortunately I was not an attractive adolescent (not a particularly attractive adult either!) and lacked confidence and I was 'targeted' by a bunch of evangelical Christians when I went away to university.

I was happy to be part of something and have friends but of course what I couldn't see was that they took on a mentor role towards me not a friendship one.

That was the start - I'm not bothered by it now, just explaining why university was a washout and then things just got worse

I didn't travel, shag hot men, or shag any men either, and if you look back, probably not as men people did as you think. Just because you didn't do these things, it doesn't make,you life any less valid.

However, that was the past. The future you can change, and the way to do it is to make plans. It doesn't have to be grand or exciting. Join a local club, and see where that leads to. It can be anything - if you like the outdoors, join a rambling club, if you like the arts, join a painting class, if you like hooks, join a book club, or if you like music, join a choir.

If you want to travel, then travel. Join websites such as Groupon or wow her. They often have very good cheap deals, especially if you can travel off peak season.

The past you can't change, but the future you can. They say life begins at 40, so get into practice now at 35!

All the best to you.

what would you like to be doing right now ?

Delete, if you've always been able to change things I am genuinely so pleased for you.

But that doesn't mean everybody can.

So you aren't in a relationship and you have no kids? Most people on MN who you read about reminiscing about their "misspent youth" are doing so in contrast to their mundane lives with 2.4 children in the suburbs. It's escapism, nostalgia.

You are still only 35. Most mums I know around here had their first child around that age or older. My best friend had her first at 42. For many of them because they had not even met their partner yet at 35! Get out and do all the things you can do as you're not tied down! Travel, enjoy hobbies, meet friends for dinner, study something new. Find what makes you happy. In the course of it you will meet new people, maybe that future partner. But most importantly you'll be enjoying yourself.

I think you need to grieve for something you feel you lost, I.e, the chance to explore life in your 20s with a counsellor.

Perhaps if you better understand what made you choose/trapped you in that life then, you can get free now?

I have benefitted from long term counselling and now have a life I never thought could be mine.

Don't give up your dreams.

Bitta, I know what you're saying but the truth is it won't ever happen. The only way I will get to experience parenthood will be if I get an anonymous donor to give me sperm. No one is remotely interested in having a relationship with me, and I'm not trying as the rejection is cruel.

I am too hopeless to travel, my friends are busy and I am busy.

Thanks, everyone, you've been very kind. Don't be cross I can't follow advice.

I didn't really change from counselling. It helped me understand some things but I think something in me is just too entrenched.

Friendly I met my DH 2 weeks before my 35th birthday.
While I'd had plenty of nights out and a bit of travelling before then I hadn't had any serious relationships before then. A few dates and one 6 month long distance relationship (which wouldn't have lasted 6 days if it wasn't long distance!).
My life has changed immeasurably since then. Unfortunately we can't have children but you learn to live with it.
You have plenty of time left

Don't be cross I can't follow advice.

I am not cross. But this sentence is part of your problem.

It's not that you can't follow it. You won't follow it.

You are writing your life off because your friends are busy or you are hopeless. Well then get your act together (attempting tough love).

When it comes to travel dh does all the booking. He loves it and I am pretty rubbish at it. But he was very ill when we needed to boom the latest one. So I stepped up and sorted it.

You are stopping you enjoying your life now. No one else.

Reread what I said though OP - it doesn't matter if you meet someone and have kids, just get out of the rut and enjoy your young free and single life! The reminiscing posts you read on MN are from people who can no longer do that. You have the power to enjoy your life now, the time to find what you like and do it.

I'm with Katenka, but I can see that no matter how I put it, you feel attacked and judged by us. I wish you all the very best I really do! I'll leave you alone to the posters that you feel more connected to

Kat - I can't afford to travel. It was under a namechange but I got a right kicking on here over it once!

I am not writing my life off because my friends are busy and I have tried, oh, so many times, to 'get my act together.'

It doesn't work.

Why?

Because fundamentally I am not someone the opposite sex are attracted to, want to sleep with, spend their life with or spend time with.

When you don't have a partner, huge chunks of 'normal' life are denied to you. Especially when you're an age when your friends do, without exception.

Parenting isn't the be all and end all though. It's most definitely not the only way to have a fulfilling life. Just getting out and doing/seeing some of the things you've always wanted to (even if you start small) is the beginning. Then you meet people who like you for you despite outward appearances (although I doubt you're ugly. Definitely get some help with the self-esteem ). I'm solidly average-looking, but I still met a fab DH I'm punching above my weight tbh and have a small but lovely set of close friends. I find putting myself out there difficult too, although I found alcohol always helped with that...

I don't delete, it's just I've had some abuse on here before so am wary.

Please accept my apology - I will admit my eyes went straight to 'wallowing' and that prompted me going on the defensive a wee bit.

People do like me for me :) but they don't love me.

That's the difference.

Of course yanbu to feel sad about your wasted youth.

This will probably sound harsh but I have never known a thread like this go any way other than this - loads of people jump in to say they were the same, it's not too late, try this and this - and op simply doesn't want to.

Unless you change something, op, you will be mourning your wasted middle age.

I met my partner when I was 34, by the way. Don't know if that gives you heart?

Btw 35 is so young, honestly! So much time left.