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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad I wasted my youth

229 replies

friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 06:58

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

OP posts:
Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:56

Thanks, Kitty :) It is a bit.

OP posts:
Katenka · 06/03/2016 08:58

At the risk of sounding contentious Kat, you don't know that really.

Doesn't sound contentious. And you could be right. But just because you don't feel happy now, doesn't mean others in the same position all feel unhappy. It works both ways.

I get the impression you feel life happens to you, may be this is left over from your upbringing. You do sound like you could be depressed. I have suffered this in the past.

It can feel bleak like it will never get better. Maybe a chat with your GP may help start getting there?

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 09:03

What I mean is that I don't sit around saying 'oh boo boo I am single, no one loves me.'

But I don't have anything positive really.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
foffx · 06/03/2016 09:07

Same boat as you friendly. Missed my youth due to church. Did a few things before age 18 when I fell into it but 18-30 - I was as straight laced as you get

Can't travel now as have a DS
Can't shag hot men as can't get out of mindset of only in marriage - seperated from DH

Wish I had raved, travelled, partied...

KittyOShea · 06/03/2016 09:08

Sometimes it's hard- nearly impossible to see the positive. On other days you'll see it- grab those days and enjoy them- get out and about. Meet up with friends. Take a walk in the park. Do something you really enjoy. It'll help you continue feeling a bit more positive.

If you're not getting those positive days do consider talking to your GP.

sadsister4 · 06/03/2016 09:09

No, friendly, it is true. Really.

Same with anything. What's the saying? "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're probably right."

Think about it. Think about the vile, horrible people who have partners. People who get engaged while on death row for murder. People who abuse kids, steal, lie, cheat and rob.

Less extreme? People who are negative, grumpy, miserable...how many times have you thought "What does he/she see in him/her?"

Nobody is fundamentally unloveable. Nobody. I bet there are men (or women, I don't know your preference) that have fancied you or liked you, but just have had a 'back off' vibe from you that has stopped them making a move.

What attempts have you made to find a partner? Have you asked anyone out, ever?

lo0ol · 06/03/2016 09:11

Bloody hell in the opposite!

Travelled for years
Shagged lots of men
Partied hard

Generally had a wonderful time but wish I'd done everything by the book, studied hard, got a great career and settled down with a suitable partner.

I have security and wonderful children but do regret my youth.

foffx · 06/03/2016 09:12

I wonder if the religious group affected you more than you think in that you had the mindset to trust in God, put your life in god's hands, he has a plan ...etc.. and now you feel adrift because you have to take charge of your life.*

I feel overwhelmed actually about taking charge of my life, so much so I have driven it off the cliffs trying so hard to be in charge, unable to accept despite not feeling "God" is in control of my life - it's hard to accept that doesn't mean I am able to control everything.

lo0ol · 06/03/2016 09:13

*I'm the opposite

PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 06/03/2016 09:16

Don't give up. Please don't. Start making those travel plans now. Maybe backpacking around the Greek Islands for a couple of weeks then coming home and working towards somewhere else? Would you go to a yoga retreat or spa somewhere abroad?
The only way to get experience is to push the boundaries you create around yourself even if it makes you uncomfortable. Teens do it naturally by rebelling, it's part of growing up, channel your inner teen but please don't give up.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 09:18

Backpacking wouldn't change anything though - I'd still be ugly and hopeless. Just ugly and hopeless in Greece! Grin

And people would probably laugh.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 06/03/2016 09:18

The past is the past. But you don't want to be here again in ten years time thinking you wasted your 30s and didn't realise at the time that actually 35 is still young.

Do something about it. Save up for a holiday, go travelling. I know lots of people who are married to people they met while travelling.

Join a club, what do you like doing? Reading books, playing tennis, walking?

Try and smile, look like you are having a good time even if you're not really feeling it. It makes you more approachable.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 09:24

Honestly I don't think I can travel. If you knew you'd agree

OP posts:
hateflying1 · 06/03/2016 09:26

What job do you do friendly? Do you enjoy it?

Katenka · 06/03/2016 09:26

Backpacking wouldn't change anything though - I'd still be ugly and hopeless. Just ugly and hopeless in Greece!

Sounds better to me Wink

Dumbledoresgirl · 06/03/2016 09:32

I can relate to most of what you say friendlyfoxes. I look back on my youth as a wasted time. I had a religious period. I wasn't lovable to men. I certainly didn't shag anyone - until I was even older than when you first shagged! I didn't travel because I had no-one to travel with. At the risk of sounding a bit rude (not intended) I could easily have ended up in your situation now had it not been for one, totally out of character moment, when I booked a holiday to take alone. It was a holiday doing something fairly niche, something I had grown up doing with my parents, and - and I recognise this was a fluke which could so easily not have occurred - I met my future husband on that holiday. From that moment on, my life took a different path.

Others have said it before me and you have said they are wrong in your instance, but they are not: you have to believe you are lovable before anyone will find you lovable. A gorgeous young man I was very attracted to told me that. Unfortunately, he was training for the priesthood otherwise I would have pursued him to the ends of the earth. I didn't know how to make myself believe I was lovable, but something must have been in place on the holiday I met my future husband, maybe because I was happy doing something I was very familiar with?

Anyway, you can't make finding a husband the be all and end all of your existence. Live for you (forgive me for being patronising but you are incredibly young still compared to some of us ancients!) What do you enjoy doing? Whatever it is, even if it is a solitary thing, do it with all your heart, and maybe the pleasure it gives you will transmit itself to those around you, or maybe it won't but at least you will get enjoyment from it.

My brother is single and in his 50s btw and I know he has accepted he will never marry and just gets on with his single life. He has loads of single friends, all of them older than you. Does it help to know you are not alone in that way?

RJnomore1 · 06/03/2016 09:35

Friendly never mind the big things for now - travel, relationship whatever - what little thing do you do regularly just for you and to make you feel good?

Do you play music, run, colour in, sew, have a favourite TV show? Do you have a pet? Who are you? What things make your heart sing?

TeaOnEverest · 06/03/2016 09:37

You sound a bit like I did, when I was quite depressed. I'm a realist, and when people said "it will get better, nothing stays the same, you're only young" I would give them honest examples of why, in fact,things WOULDN'T be able to change,because xyz.

We were both right, I think. You do have to have a little blind faith that things will get better, however you also have to accept that there are some things you really can't change. The two aren't mutually exclusive

Would you think about going on antidepressants for a while? I did, despite being very against them previously. The relief was wonderful. It was so good to get a mental break. I prided myself on my ability to stare the bad bits of life in the face, but good grief it's exhausting.

I've had no misspent youth either, and I probably won't ever have a glittering career, but I've worked out that I don't mind, as long as I feel I'm doing something useful. I know everyone says this, but voluntary work is really good for this.

I hope you feel better soon. If you asked people in RL who know you,I bet they wouldn't say you are ugly and unloveable.

Dumbledoresgirl · 06/03/2016 09:38

Also meant to say, even though I have a husband and kids, I am still ugly and unlovable - I push my husband to the limits often, I know - and I still regret my life after the marriage and childbearing, in some ways. Some of us are just born that way, I do understand your negativity. (hugs)

MoonriseKingdom · 06/03/2016 09:43

I have some things in common with you OP. Not religious but I was very focused on studying in my late teens early 20s. I had friends who were similar and I guess we were a bit of a boring bunch. I was very shy and I assumed completely unattractive to men. I worked hard in my 20s and for a long time had pretty much zero social life.

At 30 I was feeling very broody and realised that if I didn't change things things wouldn't change. I did on line dating being careful about which website I used. I didn't have masses of interest but a few chatty conversations with men really boosted my confidence. I had 2 relationships with men that were not going to succeed but I had some fun for once. I then my now DH who is so very similar to me. We are both shy, introverted and geeky and both thought we would never meet someone who would love us.

I have had depression on and off throughout my adult life. It is so hard to see a better future and to motivate yourself. I honestly never believed I would be married with children's and happy. It happened but only because I decided something had to change.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 09:43

I never used to be negative. I always used to believe it would be okay one day and it's not.

OP posts:
sadsister4 · 06/03/2016 09:43

Not yet.

But it will be.

What can you change?

Catphrase · 06/03/2016 09:45

I was in a badly abusive relationship from 18-25.
I look back at the photos I was absolutely beautiful and intelliegent, I couldn't have friends or have fun. Career was limited as he was threatened by any man I might come across.

I was financially controlled also and left that relationship with huge debt that will stay with me for life.

I do feel so sad at the life I should have had. But I know it took enough of my life, I can't let it eat more up.

I'm looking forward to a fantastic midlife crisis.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 09:47

But I really can't sad. I get that you did and honestly I'm made up for you.

I could travel? No I couldn't :) I can't afford it and I just wouldn't know what I was doing and I'd be the same pathetic lunp in Melbourne as Manchester.

Meet a man? Won't happen.

Have a child anyway? Have thought of it but sense that's not the answer.

It's a bit shit I know

OP posts:
PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 06/03/2016 09:49

Your beliefs are giving you a self perpetuating negative message to your inner self. You say I can't, I say i can. You invent reasons not to, I invent reasons to...

If you won't consider talking to a gp or counselling try picking up some info on neuro linguistic therapy or finding a therapist in this area. Unlike counselling you don't have to reveal too much, they work to change thought processes.