To be sad I wasted my youth

[friendlyfoxes]

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

I relate to some of this. Sometimes I think it's a good thing I didn't have a lot of partners or go clubbing but I think when I left the church it made me aware of how different my life had been.

I can't now travel, or do adventures as we don't have a high income or people to have the kids. We dream of a night in a hotel without the kids!

Oh career wise! I was in a church environment which wasn't explicitly anti women but in which women mainly looked after kids etc. I had plans with my ex and so so wish I'd trained in the field I want to work before I had kids.

So, what did the old you do that took you out of your comfort zone and made an effort to achieve the life you wanted, friendlyfoxes? All you've told us is everything you have never done and how you went along with a group of religious people you didn't even agree with!! Have you ever known what you want from life, or just hooked onto random things in the hope of finding out? What are your interests?

So you wasted your youth, well you are 35 now. You don't want to be looking back in 10 years time saying you wasted your 30s too.

Hi Foxes. I'm abit like you apart from being 45. You havelock of time ahead of fulfil your dreams.
I lived in a children's home run by a religious group from 13 up and despite having me there due to a turbulent childhood, the stability it provided prevented me form experiencing life in the way I now wish it had.
My teenage years were spent tied to an evangelical church, and being an introvert I relied on it rather than spreading my wings. I could never fully embrace it as I didn't feel the 'passion for Jesus' they all felt.
I wish I'd had a more typical youth.
Back to your I think you needn't feel old and past it. 35 yeR o,d are and look youthful. Have some fun.x

All I know is that there's a sort of pattern to life and you do expect that pattern to follow a rough sort of plan.

Now I know I'll get piled on for saying that but the rough plan is - university, wild time, travel till mid twenties, meet future husband, work, buy starter home, marry late twenties/early thirties, along come the babies.

Now OK - you're all going to say 'that's not how my life look(ed)' and that's all fine but that rough outline is still there.

People used to say to me that hard work was the answer.

I worked hard. I still know the girls I went to school who didn't follow that plan celebrate their birthdays with their loved ones.

The majority of people would fail your plan, friendlyfoxes - what you have there is a fantasy, not a plan.

That's not quite what happened round

I've tried to explain several times now.

I am ugly. I was an unattractive child, a worse looking teenager and grew into an ugly adult.

Of course my looks made me a target for bullies and I went through added trauma at school when my mum died. As a result I had to pretty much bring myself up and I did as good a job as you can expect a 13 year old to - in other words I looked a mess, crumpled clothes, bad haircut, you know.

So I went away to university and next door to me was a lovely kind girl who was pretty and nicely spoken and clever and went out of her way to be nice. Obviously I was flattered and then I was surrounded by a group of attractive middle class well spoken clever people.

I wanted to be like them so I tried to follow their life - does that make any sense? Can you even try to understand?

Left university, long lonely years. Some friends. Lots of debt. No support. Try to meet someone - match.com, guardian soulmates, good old plenty of fish, some others I can't even remember the name of.

My twenties tick by and one friend after another marries and I change my life - move to London, move back, move somewhere else, move back. Twenties become thirties. Pattern continues. Join a dating website, talk to someone and if they reply it's 'hey! We don't look like we've much in common but best of luck in your search!'

Travel - tried it twice now. Both times didn't happen.

I think most people do meet someone and have children with them after university round!

That plan causes more misery- we feel shit because it's what we didn't attain. Or it's followed by PND/ infertility/ bereavement/ divorce. Even those who fit it don't have it as easy as it seems.

I did go out a lot in my 20s and travelled a wee bit- nowhere too exotic.
I didn't meet DH until almost 35, married him at 38. Since then I've found out I am infertile and have lost my father. Some really rough times- but you have to focus on the good things- it's all that gets you through. And discard the image of that life plan- it's not that simple.

Aw, foxes, nothing wrong with acknowledging regrets, but you do need to let the stuff you cannot change go if you want to live a happy life going forward.

I'd fail your plan too, I did not have a 'wild youth' and tbh sometimes I feel that what is described as a hedonistic and 'cool' youth actually smacks of desperation and of quite an empty life - not for everybody, but for some.

You are engaging in rather a lot of unhelpful thinking, concentrating on what you did NOT have or not have now, rather than on what you did/do.
If there are changes in your life you'd like to make, well, make them.

Of course there are things you cannot go back and redo, but your posts sound to fatalistic and have this air of 'too late' to them. There is very little you cannot do at 35 that you were able to do at 20.

CBT can be excellent for identifying and challenging thought processes that make you feel worse and don't get you anywhere. I wonder whether you've ever sought any RL help with how you are feeling about your upbringing?

Don't make the mistake of looking at other people and thinking that they have it all. I don't think anyone has followed your blueprint to life to a tee. It's certainly not a key to happiness.
A lot of us are bumbling along trying to make the best of things. I know I am.
It's ok not to be perfect.

That's exactly what I mean though. Even people who haven't followed it at all have somehow ended up OK and I haven't and it is shit. Anyway - sorry.

Oh and online dating can be very damaging to your self esteem. Most, not all, men on there are looking for casual sex and will lie to get it. I would give that a swerve for now.

Lots and lots of people who have and have not followed the 'plan' have NOT ended up OK though.
You are just seeing what confirms your POV.

Good things happen to bad people and bad things can happen to good people.
IME being negative about oneself is a surefire way to put other people off.

You need to learn to love yourself - not like every single aspect of you, but truly be accepting of who you are.

What are you good at?

Do you have anything you do that makes you happy?

I know nineties and I do now which is where the 'giving up' comment is coming from.

I am not going to marry or have children and I think I will go on to lead a lonely and unhappy existence but there's not a thing I can do about it.

I will go on to lead a lonely and unhappy existence but there's not a thing I can do about it.

You really need to seek some RL help if that is truly how you feel.

How do you know what your future holds??
None of know what's around the corner.

But people aren't always okay friendly.

My only friend who followed the plan is dealing with the diagnosis of her child with asd and diabetes. After spending 5 years having fertility treatment to have her. She's finding it all really hard.
People don't tell you about their struggles irl all the time but everyone is dealing with some shit. There is no 'happily ever after' there's just making the best of what you've got.
At 35 you still have the opportunity to change your life for the better. You've had a tough start and that's hard to get past but you must try to look forward rather than back.
Where would you like to be in 5 years? How can you get some of that?
From the small snapshot we've seen of you on here you seem thoughtful, intelligent and articulate. Those are great attributes to have- and we've only seen a tiny bit when you're feeling like shit. There's no doubt a whole lot more. You have a lot to offer any people in your life or who come into it. Try to see the good in yourself

Hey me again

A part of my wants to give you a slap...but a much MUCH bigger part of me wants to give you the world's biggest hug

It's so painful to hear you call yourself ugly and weird. I hate that you have absorbed every bit of negativity ever thrown at you and used it as a stick to beat yourself with.

You are so not worthless or unworthy of love, you are as valuable as every single other person on this thread and as every single person in this world.

I know ... Trust me I know it doesn't always go to plan but there's veering off course and never even starting the motor!

Forget about men or relationships or children.

Work on yourself, do stuff that makes YOU feel good and give you a sense of purpose. Volunteer, foster a pet, if you have a hobby join a class or a club - not 'to meet somebody', but to have fun.

Do you think you might be depressed? Or 'just' unhappy?

Thanks that's a nice thing to say but it won't happen ... It's not even something I think of how much.

There is no 'plan'!!

The most interesting people I know have not followed your 'plan'

There's some truth in saying that the harder you look for love, the less likely you are to find it.
Be patient my friend. Don't write yourself off. If you think there is no point in living then I suspect you are either depressed or having a very bad day.