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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sad I wasted my youth

229 replies

friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 06:58

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 07/03/2016 12:23

What an inspiring tale ten of your spirit triumphing over adversity. I can't imagine how traumatic and restricted your mother's illness made your earlier years.
Enjoy your new found youth. I admire your zest for life.

lavenderhoney · 09/03/2016 19:51

I remember watching a dating program years ago- the woman thought she was odd and ugly. She had a nice career and a home and not really financial worries. She never met anyone she clicked with. Ever. She was clever and mindful enough not to settle and always hoped it would be fine. I admired this.

She hit menopause. She was devastated. She met a chap - and they clicked - mid fifties. She said her only regret was not meeting him earlier, not having his DC and most tellingly - her DM had died thinking her dd would be alone for ever.

I don't think from what you say you are ugly etc. You have a beautiful mind and you sound clever and thoughtful. Many men are just the same and you possibly need to live somewhere where you can indulge your interests, meet people and have a good life - instead of dwelling on what might be. Don't hide yourself away.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 10/03/2016 14:06

Everybody who is urging me to do something misses the point that what my life lacks, critically, are other people. And you can't make people love you, like you, spend time with you or care about you

You can't make people do those things, but what you can do is make it so that they want to do them.

Looks and appearance, sense of humour etc. are all subjective. Not everyone who's coupled up is a raving beauty you know. Ugly people, disfigured people, unusual, unpleasant or difficult people find friends and partners who love them.

The one thing that puts people off, be it friends or potential partners, is unremitting negativity.

That said, living with such a negative attitude would bring anyone down.
I really do think you should pursue obtaining some kind of professional help OP.
Talk to your doctor in the first instance and see what they think they could do to help you.

For what it's worth, I had an unpleasant childhood and didn't go on to do any of the things that you think are the rough guide to how life should roll out.
Most people would think my life now is exceptionally boring and in truth, it is, but I choose not to perceive it that way and to find some satisfaction and some fun in something, however small, each day.

Unfortunately at the moment you're stuck in a self fulfilling prophecy and that's what needs to be sorted out.

Are you employed or self employed? do you have work colleagues? is your work satisfying or does it just pay the bills? What kind of home do you have, do you like it? You say you're busy as an explanation for not doing things that people have suggested, so what are you busy doing? or are you hiding behind a needless use of your free time?

People here can start talking over these kinds of things with you to see if there are any changes you could make to start leading a happier life, even really small changes, but in truth, you have to want to change things and be receptive to that kind of discussion.

One last thing. I say all that with the kindest of intentions and not least because from your early posts I assumed you were late fifties to sixties and not in your mid thirties. I'd just like to see you starting to enjoy something out of life rather than throwing in the towel.

PacificDogwod · 10/03/2016 16:04

Re 'unremitting negativity' - that is one of the many really unhelpful thinking patterns that can v successfully be challenged and changed with CBT.
Look at MoodScope (linked above), google Living Life or Living Life To The Full, some health board areas have access to a program called Beating The Blues, go to your local library, sign up to MoodGym - there are endless resources out there to improve things.

I get the impression from your posts that much as you are deeply unhappy with your situation, somehow you have developed a sense of safety being were you are and taking the leap of faith of addressing this is just too frightening for you just now. So it is more comfortable to just carry on saying 'ah well, there's nobody for me, this is my life, no point in hoping for anything else'. It is a self-protective mechanism but ultimately self-defeating.

You really DO have a choice, and by NOT making a choice you ARE in fact choosing the status quo.

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