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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad I wasted my youth

229 replies

friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 06:58

TAAT of sorts.

I didn't travel.

I didn't shag hot men.

I didn't shag any men.

I was indoctrinated introduced to a church and was a reluctant Christian. It was very hard to break away from as I was reliant socially and emotionally on the church but it just made me hate myself for not being a good person.

Now when I read Mumsnetters looking back on their wild youths I feel sad.

Please come join me if you had a boring adolescence/twenties.

OP posts:
ScrumpyBetty · 06/03/2016 08:30

Everybody has regrets foxes

FWIW I was like you, very religious and quite shy and I had a very subdued adolescence. Then in my twenties I dropped out of the church and went 'off the rails' going out partying, experimenting with drugs and drink and sleeping around, making up for lost time. To be honest, I regret that part of my life more because I feel like I hurt people and was very self centred, and I got hurt too by lots of different men. I massively regret the way I acted when I was high/ drunk, I regret the way I didn't value my friendships then etc etc. It only lasted a few years and of course I straightened out again.

Anyway what I am trying to say is that even if you had had a hedonistic youth, you might still not be happy now and you might still have regrets about it. Sorry, I hope that doesn't come across as condescending.

whattheseithakasmean · 06/03/2016 08:30

I shagged hot men and took drugs and I really don't regret either of those activities - it makes me appreciate my happy stable marriage more, for having got all that out my system. I do sympathise OP, because running around town like a cat on heat is really a young girls game and you have pretty much missed that boat.

However, I didn't travel that much - although a reasonable amount - and their are lots of places I still want to see. This does not need to be a regret as it is perfectly possibly to enjoy travel when you are older and in an established couple. When the DDs finally leave home (and we are on the homeward straight with that) we are going to be able to go on some great adventures outside Europe that I wouldn't want to do with a child.

So all is not lost - there is still time Smile

skankingpiglet · 06/03/2016 08:31

The love part is a numbers game unfortunately foxes

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:31

I know Flossy and maybe it would be best to leave it there because trust me on this - I do NOT want the thread to go down the lines of 'you are not taking our advice, you are choosing to be as you are.'

I doubt I can articulate it because people just say oh, you need counselling, or therapy. Maybe I do but I can't afford it and anyway when I had it before it didn't really help. It helped me understand stuff but I didn't change.

OP posts:
Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:32

Oh I know everyone's got regrets. I think I'm just struggling to think of any positives or things to live for and I can't. And what I'm communicating I guess is not so much sadness at my youth but sadness it's now too late to change and to make things okay.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 06/03/2016 08:33

I too met DH early 30's and he was my first boyfriend. I too grew up in church environment but difference for me is that I still go and in fact at this moment should get off MN and get myself dressed before I miss the service!! All those things you did not do are not mistakes. Many regret what they did in their teens.
You need to take proactive steps to improve your situation. Join some groups that interest you. Book on a group holiday abroad if you want to travel I only know Oakhall and Mastersun which are both Christian companies so you might not want those ones but you need to be proactive and not give up.
I met DH aged 33 and was married with 3 kids by 38.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2016 08:34

Your self esteem seems to be on the floor.

Have you thought about some voluntary work? How about trying to give a talk to local unis about the dangers of religious sects and indoctrination? You could use your experience to help others.

Try not to compare yourself to everyone else.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:38

I don't really have time at the moment. My life is a car crash and I see no way of mending it. Sorry if that sounds negative at all it's just how I feel.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 06/03/2016 08:41

Frindlyfoxes- you sound so sad. Do you think you may be depressed? Is it worth going along to the dr and chatting to him/her about how you feel?

It's never too late to change. Please don't write yourself or our future of, you are worth more than that (cliche shampoo advert "because you're worth it!").

Katenka · 06/03/2016 08:43

Because fundamentally I am not someone the opposite sex are attracted to, want to sleep with, spend their life with or spend time with.

I am sorry you feel this way. I know lots of single, childless people who have wonderful fulfilling lives. Having a partner doesn't have to the be all and end all.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:44

There's possibly a wee bit of depression talking, but I think it's more a realistic summing up of how my life is at the moment and how it always has been, on the whole.

OP posts:
sadsister4 · 06/03/2016 08:45

Hi OP. I was like you.

I had amazing opportunities when I was in my twenties. I suddenly came into a lot of money, and could have done literally anything; travelled the world, moved to London and had a great time, literally anything.

Instead, I married my first serious boyfriend (who I wasn't really in love with) and had two babies.

I think sometimes we are too young to appreciate our choices, and they seem too overwhelming to take advantage of when we don't have the maturity to make the most of them, iykwim.

So now, in my forties, I have two amazing sons, a new partner who makes me feel sixteen, and the maturity to enjoy all the opportunities that come my way.

The trick is not to believe it's too late. It never is.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:46

At the risk of sounding contentious Kat, you don't know that really.

I am sure most people would say the same about me.

Never experiencing love, sex, motherhood, being cared for or prioritised isn't fulfilling or happy, and before anyone says so yes I am aware it's better than a bad relationship.

OP posts:
sadsister4 · 06/03/2016 08:47

Ah, just RTFT.

I should mention that it took a whole lot of therapy and some anti-depressants to get me here, and the whole process started when I was 35.

You're not well at the moment, but you can get better. You can.

KittyOShea · 06/03/2016 08:47

Friendly you sound like you're in a bad place and can't see your way out at the minute. Perhaps you should see your GP to ask for help for possible depression.

Sometimes it's hard to find a way out but to use an old cliche- if you change nothing, nothing changes. It's a hard place to be and sometimes you can't find the wherewithal to do something different but take advantage of any good day that comes along to do something differently Flowers

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/03/2016 08:48

Well it's good that you're busy and not just lying about navel gazing!
Life changes unexpectedly. It's rarely what you think it will be so maybe just ride out this low part and stop beating yourself up.

I wonder if the religious group affected you more than you think in that you had the mindset to trust in God, put your life in god's hands, he has a plan ...etc.. and now you feel adrift because you have to take charge of your life.

Piratepete1 · 06/03/2016 08:48

I think you can also look at the other side of it. I had a wild teenage hood and 20s. No boundaries, out all night, with inappropriate men, drank, even stole a bus once! I wasn't happy and was actually very depressed. Now I am a pillar of society, married with children and love the quiet life. It's easy to regret what you didn't have but sometimes it's not as good as you think it might be.

sadsister4 · 06/03/2016 08:48

Because fundamentally I am not someone the opposite sex are attracted to, want to sleep with, spend their life with or spend time with

And they won't, for as long as you believe this about yourself. When that changes, so will this situation.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:50

I know Kitty but honestly I changed everything and yet it's still the same!

i haven't stepped in a church since 2003. I don't think it's affected me - I just wanted to provide some context. I don't think I ever properly 'believed.'

OP posts:
Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:50

That's what I used to believe too sad

OP posts:
sadsister4 · 06/03/2016 08:51

It's true, though, friendlyfoxes. It really is.

Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:52

But I am really sorry for whining and it was so nice of you all to talk to me, don't think for a second it doesn't help just to say 'you know what, this is my life, it's shit.' It does, in a weird way.

OP posts:
Original poster
friendlyfoxes · 06/03/2016 08:52

For you it's true.

OP posts:
Orangeanddemons · 06/03/2016 08:54

I didn't get the sleeping with lots of men. I was fairly wild, drink, drugs, parties, but somehow sleeping with someone you hardly knew just didn't float my boat.

So you probably haven't missed much

KittyOShea · 06/03/2016 08:55

I agree with sad.

My single friends and I in our 30s used to call it 'no one wants a bit of me' vibes. We all have them off at times- lack of self esteem, feeling unwanted etc. It makes you more unapproachable.
Some of us met people after that on a 'good' day. Some of us didn't and are still single in their 40s, making the most of it.
I know it's not easy- in fact it's a shit feeling.

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