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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this mum why ds was not invited...

201 replies

Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 15:52

My ds (nearly 8) has ASD. He is in ms school and has been friends with a group of around 7 boys since pre school.

He and his dtb have a birthday soon and I'm doing a party. I'm sat writing invites when I quickly go to one of his friends parents FB page to check the spelling of his name (not FB friends with her BTW) and I see a picture of this boys party from a couple of months ago. Every single one of the group were there... ds was not invited. This boy along with the others have always been to ds's parties and ds has been invited to others parties too... or so I thought.

I'm sat here in tears (which is really not like me) as it's the first time it's hit me that he has being excluded because he has ASD. Now clearly I don't know this for sure but why else would he be the only one of this group not invited.

I want to ask her directly why ds did not get an invite which I know makes me appear like a loon but I'm so fucking angry at the mum right now.

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 21/02/2016 15:57

I respond as a parent of 2 boys with ASD/ADHD /PDA.

Maybe your childs diagnosis of ASD isn't relevant & the other child just didn't want your child to go to the party...

Its difficult for all parents but especially parents of SN dc .Flowers

ohlittlepea · 21/02/2016 16:02

Perhaps you could just say..I saw the lovely photos of ds party...and wait and see how she responds? Flowers for you it's awful to feel he's been excluded xxx

Tiggeryoubastard · 21/02/2016 16:02

I get its shit, but you do realise they have the right to invite anybody they wish. You'd look a loon asking, and it could backfire.

SevenSeconds · 21/02/2016 16:03

My DD is the same age as your DS. At this age I'd ask her who she wanted to invite to her party and I wouldn't interfere with her choice, so in this situation I'd assume it was the child, not the parent, who didn't want to invite your DS?

Sorry, I know this must be painful for you.

RJnomore1 · 21/02/2016 16:04

Am I correct in reading your post as he has a twin? And neither were invited?

Sometimes there just isn't room to invite everyone. Please don't take it personally.

SavoyCabbage · 21/02/2016 16:05

You don't know that's why though. I found my dd's friendships shifted quite a lot at this age.

CaptainCrunch · 21/02/2016 16:05

Please don't, you're going to have to accept he won't get invited to everything you expect him to. It's just life

DonkeyOaty · 21/02/2016 16:05

I know how it stings Flowers

Please don't ask them why

Original poster
Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 16:07

Tigger of course I realise that Confused

OP posts:
Micah · 21/02/2016 16:07

He has a twin? Maybe they felt it was rude to invite one and not the other, and numbers were limited?

BackforGood · 21/02/2016 16:10

Another who is saying don't ask her - you will really look completely bonkers.
By this age, it's up to the dc who they invite. People are also usually restricted for numbers. It may be nothing to do with his ASD. It may even be that he was invited and the invitation never made it home (I've had that happen... I was thinking 'how rude of the other parent not to invite' and she was probably thinking 'how rude of BfG's dd not to invite my dd').
However, it's gone now, and there's nothing to be gained by you dragging it up.

CooPie10 · 21/02/2016 16:11

Please don't ask her why, that would be really rude to basically put someone on the spot. You can't assume that's the reason she didn't invite him. How do you know they were limited on spaces and couldn't leave your other son out. Or the boy isn't good friends with your ds. You just don't know.

gleekster · 21/02/2016 16:11

OP please don't do this. I promise you, you will just end up feeling worse.

Head high and plough on. In a few months you will have forgotten all about it.

MrsBobDylan · 21/02/2016 16:12

Don't ask why or even mention the party to this other mum-much as it hurts, it won't achieve anything.

It is hard to know that your DS might regard this boy as a friend, when the feeling isn't perhaps mutual. I have a son with ASD so I do understand but likewise, I get very fired up when I think my NT 8 yr old DS hasn't been invited to a classmates party. It's natural to feel that way, but IMO we should n't act on that feeling.

Original poster
Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 16:15

This boy, along with another one in this group get referred to as "the 3 musketeers". They have been friends since reception. His mum told me that her ds is always talking about bookeatingboy! I don't believe this boy would not say he didn't want to invite ds.

I know you're all right BTW... I will look like a loon if I ask her, but I so want to right now.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 21/02/2016 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 21/02/2016 16:16

do you know for sure he wasn't invited?

I know when I was chasing responses for Dds party that a couple of people who had been invited hadn't got the actual invite. even though I know full well I wrote the invites out and handed them to the teacher.

ot happens. they get lost and are you sure it's not in his drawer at school or he threw away by accident etc

you can't ask anyway. I mean all the parties I have done have always been limited on numbers/spaces amd I've had to explain to parents why siblings couldn't come etc

SauvignonBlanche · 21/02/2016 16:16

There were 8 boys in my DS' primary school class, we always invited them as a group to parties.

DS, who has ASD and was also at MS school, told me in a very matter of fact way that he wasn't invited to John's party as his Mum didn't know if DS would behave himself. I cried Sad

When it came to DS' next party I asked if he wanted to invite John, I was hoping he'd say no, DS was insistent that he was invited.

I couldn't forgive that bloody woman for missing my DS out just because of his ASD but it was a much bigger deal to me than it was for DS. It sounds as if your DS hasn't mentioned it to you so hopefully it didn't register with him that he'd been excluded.

Chinesealan · 21/02/2016 16:20

Don't ask. My DD is shy and goes for less sleepovers and parties than others do. It hurts but it's their right to choose who they want to invite.

Original poster
Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 16:21

His dtb is in a different class so has friends of his own. He often gets invited to parties that his dtb doesn't and vice versa, that's fine, they understand this and never complain.

OP posts:
catsinthecraddle · 21/02/2016 16:24

SauvignonBlanche

I realise it sounds harsh, and it's awful for a mother. Unfortunately, after a certain age, parents don't stay with their kids at parties but just dropped them. The other mum could have perfectly reasonably panicked, thinking she could not handle all the kids.

I don't think it's right, I would personally asked you to stay if I am worried and don't know anything about ASD. All I meant is that it's not done maliciously.

BrightBagLady · 21/02/2016 16:28

YY to it could be a number of things

  1. Lost invitation
  2. Limited numbers allowed at the venue
  3. His mum picked an arbitrary number of who her son could invite - and even at this age he listed the boys he played with that lunchtime/at Beavers that evening. I know my DS is much more fluid about his friends than DD (she has BFFFF - or what ever they are called) and it is far more static.

Or, it could be to be mean and exclude your ASD son.

Thinking it is the latter will not help you, or your son.

Let it go.

blankmind · 21/02/2016 16:30

It's not always the Mums. I've seen a child aged about 6 giving out whole class invites in a cloakroom and turning to dd who has SN and ripping hers up in front of her and and saying 'you're not coming to my party' then instigating conversations for ages beforehand with the whole class about what's going to happen at the party she's not invited to.

It makes me sick to my stomach. It wasn't the only instance either.

Headofthehive55 · 21/02/2016 16:31

Might not be anything to do with the ASd. My DD3 hasn't been invited to any birthday parties in three years or so. She's 11. I used to feel quite concerned that she clearly isn't liked, but she us quite hard work, and there really isn't much you can do.

Original poster
Bookeatingboy · 21/02/2016 16:32

All I know is that I would never exclude one of ds's friends because I was worried about his disability, I would talk to the child's mum about how to make sure their dc was included.

OP posts:
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