To ask this mum why ds was not invited...

[Bookeatingboy]

My ds (nearly 8) has ASD. He is in ms school and has been friends with a group of around 7 boys since pre school.

He and his dtb have a birthday soon and I'm doing a party. I'm sat writing invites when I quickly go to one of his friends parents FB page to check the spelling of his name (not FB friends with her BTW) and I see a picture of this boys party from a couple of months ago. Every single one of the group were there... ds was not invited. This boy along with the others have always been to ds's parties and ds has been invited to others parties too... or so I thought.

I'm sat here in tears (which is really not like me) as it's the first time it's hit me that he has being excluded because he has ASD. Now clearly I don't know this for sure but why else would he be the only one of this group not invited.

I want to ask her directly why ds did not get an invite which I know makes me appear like a loon but I'm so fucking angry at the mum right now.

bigmouth lovely posts. I can relate and they brought tears to my eyes!

My DS with asd has never been invited anywhere.

I do not think you are over reacting.
Imagine if an adult at work invited everyone in a team out for a celebratory lunch but left 1 person out. Is this OK? No, it is unacceptable behaviour by isolating them AND is sanction able under bullying policies.
There are only a few girls in my DD's small class and she is left out of most of the boys parties. On one occasion I found out she was the only girl left out and I nicely queried with the mum who else wasn't going so DD so she could buddy up when the rest of the class were excited about it. The mum was horrid and declared DD had to learn this life lesson sometime - age 5!!!!!!!
Allowing individuals (kid or adult) to be isolated is saying it's OK to bully. Is this what we want to teach kids?????

So sorry to read of the pain you are experiencing. Know exactly how you feel my 8 year old dd has ADD possible ASD and only has two close friends and plays with them all the time. One of the two had a party and my ds wasn't invited. I found out from my other dd who asked the child why her sister wasn't invited and was told her mum had said was 'too difficult to handle'. I was heartbroken as everyone says my dd is very kind, polite and helpful. Eversince I have not been able to look at the mum - it affected me badly. All she had to do was talk to me about the party - if there were going to be any issues and how to handle them.

I woud try and forget what has happened as others have said it could have been for a number of reasons. Hold your head up high - your dd has other friends.

Would his ASD tend to make him quite definitive in his likes/dislikes ?

Is there a chance that your son said that he didn't want to attend / participate in whatever activity was planned for the birthday party and was taken at his word by his friend with no offence taken?

For example, does he have a regular scheduled weekend activity / or was there a family event or an activity planned with his DT.

I think it highly unlikely that it was kept quiet between a group of 7 x 8 year olds.

As much as it is hurtful I think you need to ignore it. If your son is happy and unaware I would leave it at that.

This mum isn't your facebook friend which seems strange as the boys seem to have been friends a long time, do you not get on with her? It could be that she had a limit so invited children of her close friends? Also, if you have twins she might have felt obligated to invite both which meant that too many places would have been used.

Just let your son carry on with his friendships as usual. If your son wants her son at his party just invite him. You will have the satisfaction of being the bigger person.

Parties are a nightmare, tried to organise one for my 9 year old but he couldn't keep the numbers down (ie we wanted to arrange activity party for 8 but he had 20 he wanted to invite which we couldn't afford!!). Ended up getting him to choose 2 friends and taking them out for food, activity and sleepover.

That's really tough and I would be upset top.

if you know the mum well you could ask her about it, but you're
Putting her in a lose lose situation.... So be prepared for the fall out. Or you may feel like you have nothing to lose so go for it!

Maybe something along the lines of...

DS saw the pictures of blah blah a party over my shoulder on my Facebook feed and was a bit upset. I told him that it was probably a numbers thing and you can't have everyone to everything, but I just wanted to check all is well?

You might be able to say that, but your putty the the mum in An awful situation.

I wasn't going to post anymore on this thread but wanted to clarify some of the points made. Incidentally this morning I took ds straight into class as I do on the first day back after a break. I was just about to leave when party boy came rushing over clearly happy at seeing ds, as was ds at seeing him. I spoke briefly with CT who confirmed that she was not aware of any issues with friendships and that the three of them play together all the time.

I am an older mum (41 when I had the boys after many years of fertility treatment) and all the other mums of this group of school friends are at the younger age range (late 20's/early 30's). The others are very friendly and as a group see each other socially. This is fine since I've more in common with other mums. We speak when we meet at parties etc. There has never been any hostility. This hopefully explains why I don't know about their dc birthdays etc.

It is entirely feasible for dc to be friends at school without their respective parents being close. DS goes to completely different out of school activities so doesn't see any of this group outside of school except for parties. This is quite normal in this group since most of the parents work and their dc go to after school clubs/child minders. Party boy has never (to my knowledge) had a party before although others in the group have which ds gets invited too.

I used the word loon in a tongue in cheek way since I presumed this would be a staple reply from some. It is not a word I would use and I guess my sarcasm didn't translate well.

Ds compartmentalises and this is due to his ASD so rarely talks about school at home and vice versa. So again if he was aware of the children talking about the party he wouldn't have mentioned it at home. I appreciate this my be difficult to understand for some though if you have no experience of ASD. I therefor rely upon his dtb and CT who keep me well informed.

Those who say I'm more affected by this than ds would be completely correct. DS has always been very popular even amongst the older dc in school. I can only assume this is because he has quite a unique look (he's one of only 4 mixed race children in this school) so they all thinks he's super cool. This isn't my assumption BTW, I'm told this often. Saying this ds is completely unaffected by the attention he gets again because of his ASD.

To conclude, I will never know the real reason for the lack of invite, I can only presume and even if I asked (which I'm still tempted too just to see how she reacts) she wouldn't give me an honest answer so no point really.
Party boy will get his invite and they'll all have a great time and ultimately that's all that matters really.

I suspect the real reason for lack of invite may be in your last post. All the other mums of the group meet up and socialise together. Party mum probably invited the kids whose mums she is friends with (maybe the mums went too).

Not saying this is ok but it does provide an explanation that isn't ASD related.

Book, it is probably just because the other mums get on. Lots of people have parent/child friendship overlaps (if that makes sense).

The parent relationships make sense as an explanation. I don't know if you saw my earlier post but I'm 99% sure it's why my DS was excluded when his friend told him he was going to be invited. Ended up being the mothers choice because of who she is closer friends with. Pisses me off, it should be down to the children given it is their party!

Lots of reasons why your ds may not have been invited. Clearly your ds isn't upset by it, though, as I still can't believe he would not have been made aware of it! It is also worth remembering that it isn't only children with diagnosed SN who don't get invited to their friends' parties and it isn't actually any less hurtful to find that your child without diagnosed SN is apparently not worthy of party invites. In fact, in some ways it would be nicer to tell yourself that it was just ignorant people not understanding what a SN means than thinking your child is viewed as an unsuitable friend by the parents concerned just because they don't like your child, or because they don't approve of you and the way you are bringing up your child. Sometimes it is just better not to assume the worst until a pattern emerges, and even then, you can't really do anything about it. But of course, it is always going to hurt.

I would imagine it's because the mums are good friends.

Hmm - I think 'nicer' is probably not the best choice of words - the feelings you get when trying to decide whether your child is excluded by personality, parental judgement or SN are not in any way more pleasant if you can pin that social exclusion on SN and anyway there may be all three at play in any given situation.

My youngest dc is without any SN and she is much more easy going and is invited to more parties but I am sure she is not invited to all the parties and that doesn't seem to bother her much either. Kids are pretty resilient and what bothers them is much more related to how happy they are at school, and at home generally. Us parental units get our knickers in a twist over a party invite, while they get on with the complex interplay of school friendships and who wants to play the game they want to play and what toy they can bring in on Friday. It all gets much more fraught in Secondary school and then we can't really get involved.

I think from your last post, is that those mums are friendly together and mabey those boys see each other outside school, and you don't.

Try to chill about it (I know it's hard). Very few parents haven't had this experience at some time or another - ASD or not, very few kids are entirely problem-free and top of everyone's party list. Enjoy your son's party, encourage his friendships and your own links with other parents. It seems like this little knock-back is affecting you more than it did DS. If he knows, perhaps he has already adopted a healthy indifference. I can't see that stirring it up with the other mum months later will achieve anything. It could even undo progress since.Try to treat her and her DS exactly as you would have otherwise. Be proud of your own and your DS's resilience in the face of this friendship bump. It's really the only sensible way to go. I think you know that, at heart.

Bookeatingboy

FFS, just go ask the parents.

This is ridiculous. You know, it's possible to lightly and skillfully navigate social relationships while occasionally broaching sensitive topics. Adults do it all the time. On MN, people act like you only have two choices: screaming at people in an incoherent rage OR letting things fester until every relationship is poisoned.

This is what I mean about being bitter. Your son has SN but is one of the most popular kids in school and has great relationships and friends. Plenty of NT kids don't even have that! I know exactly what you mean about mixed race boys being cool btw and I understand that it probably means the older boys acknowledge him and he is "known" in the school. Girls will likely be all over him as he gets older so get ready for that. So you have a kid who is cool, happy, has friends and is well liked - and will probably get tons of female attention.

Yet in this one instance, you immediately jump to him being SN as the problem and it's clearly completely poisoned your view of all of these parents that you don't know.

Most of the SN parents encouraging you are describing situations completely different to yours. They are talking about their kids experiences - who have no friends and have a terrible time at school. You are in a completely different situation to them. Honestly, if you go into this with a big chip on your shoulder and a barely concealed determination to see the worst in everyone, you will likely do more damage to your son's future.

It's obvious that you can't privately let this go, so just ask. Politely, respectfully and lightly. You can a lot tell from body language so watch it, get the info you need and move on. This is a perfectly socially acceptable action.

Whatever you do, don't NOT say anything because you are "bigger person" then try to "forget about it" but let the suppressed anger and hurt seep into every single future conversation then be shocked - SHOCKED - that these relationships now seem awkward and tense. Then run to MN and post about how other parents are so awkward and it's probably because they are so prejudiced about your son's SN.

my first

for what it's worth, I was in a similar situation in Jan with my ds, it stings - yes, however I didn't say anything at the time and now I'm glad I let it go.

Ok I am sorry op I can't help thinking you have got what you wanted from this thread but I can't ignore the post by Apple.

Apple You are projecting bitterness and suppressed anger onto posts that may seem that way to you but read very differently to me. I am not bitter and I don't get that vibe from the posts from other parents of sn children. I have children who struggle socially yes and one that is very nt and has loads of friends, but my experience has taught me that it doesn't really matter what other parents think, not suppressed rage and paranoia.

I see from the open last few posts that she doesn't socialise with the other parents from her ds group of friends, and that she fully intends to have all ds friends at the next party she organises ... I must have totally missed the simmering rage in that post?

As for screaming or simmering that is bollocks, the awkward fall out I have seen from my peers in real life are disagreements over how their nt dc have stopped being friends, or stopped walking together, or had a row. It always ends up being about parental over investment and projection of their own insecurities turning molehills into mountains. Nowt to do with an inability to broach sensitive subjects a lot to do with subjects that don't need to be broached in the first place!

I try to keep relationships with my children's friends parents on a open and friendly basis, approachable without being overbearing. I would never question a party invite as it is up to the person holding the party who goes not my business and nothing to do with who I will or will not extend an invite to either. I would hate to be questioned on my decisions about a party and so I extend the same courtesy to others.

Apple can I just say you write really well!

I know I'm not coming across well but in real life I am usually very assertive and very able to handle a conversation tactfully without raising my voice. I am skilful in that I can usually get my point across in a calm respectful way, which I'm clearly not doing well on this thread. I'm better with the spoken word than I am the written one. I'm not going in all guns blazing... not my style.

I couldn't understand why everyone on the thread was telling me to let it go when every part of me what screaming fuck that, why shouldn't I ask this parent why my son was excluded, what is so very wrong in that. This is what I have done all my life so why stop now. I have always questioned because if you don't seek answers then then this festers and that's no good for anyone. Why should I keep quiet.

It now appears that the party was hosted by both of ds's best friends mums, which is even worse than I first thought, this other boy has been to our house on a number of occasions.

It is of course possible that these two boys don't really see ds as a friend at all and the relationship is very one sided. The fact remains that ds sees these two boys as his best friends and these parents know that yet still chose to exclude him in favour of some other boys who aren't even in their little group. There has to be a reason for that and I would rather be told that there is in fact an issue with ds than not know and keep second guessing. I can then address this with ds.

That is exceptionally shitty of them and I can't blame you for wanting to find out the reason tbh. I'd want to but I'm too much of a wuss and will do literally anything to avoid confrontation.

Well I would talk to them about it for sure. Good luck!

It does seem strange. I'd be hurt too.

My dd had a sn bf from the age of four who got invited to all parties when younger, less so as they got older as although they were still friends, the gap in their interests widened, and the friend would have altered the dynamic of the older parties. They are still friends, still like some of the same things, still have their growing up years in common but now have more not in common than in.

It does upset the child's mum that she gets invited to less and less but they are growing up differently. All friendships shift over time sn or not, so I didn't force the friendship, and it has survived at its own levell.

Party boy will get his invite and they'll all have a great time and ultimately that's all that matters really

This is the best conclusion I think you could have come to.